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Passing

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by HarryPotterFan, Feb 26, 2014.

  1. HarryPotterFan

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    Hey guys, sorry for another question, but hey, where would we be without questions?

    Alright, so I want to start 'living as a guy,' for lack of a better phrase. Just to see how it feels, see how I feel about it, if it fits me, if it feels more like me, etc. The downside is, I will not be able to pass at all.

    I've never seen myself as feminine in any sense of the word. In my life, I've mistaken for a guy like three times, and I was always under the impression that I don't look feminine. But recently because I've been more aware of the less obvious differences between males and females, it's come to my attention that my features are actually pretty feminine, even if not stereotypically. So even without speaking, I have no chance at being able to pass.

    I know it's not about passing. I'm doing this for myself, not for others. But I don't know how you'd go about things. Like, if you say, "Hey, my name's (insert male name here)," and they point out that's a man's name or whatever, what are you meant to say? Do you just assert that you are a guy and watch them act like you're crazy, or do you explain that you identify as a guy? I mean, how do you handle it if you're not the kind of person that can pass at all?
     
  2. BookDragon

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    There are two things worth pointing out here that will either help or enrage you depending on how well you feel able to act on them.

    The first concerns your comment about how you are noticing your features are feminine. To which, I find myself highlighting the fact that YOU are the one noticing them. That's not to say other people don't, I won't lie however the difference between you and random person on the street is that currently you are going out of your way to find feminine traits whether you know it or not. We all do. You look abnormally hard at yourself and are extremely critical of things that other people wouldn't think about unless they had a reason. Take, for example, my eyebrows. Yes, they are big, and my mum decided that she was going to make them thinner to look more feminine. She was looking really hard for things that made me look like a man. REALLY hard. Because at the time, in her eyes I was just a man in women's clothes and she didn't want to be me to embarrass her her being seen outside like that. As it turns out, plenty of women have eyebrows like mine.

    I won't lie, people might notice, but as you said yourself you've been mistaken for a guy before and you weren't even trying which should give you some confidence.

    Secondly, you are right. It's NOT about passing, nor can it be. Passing is a consequence not an action. You do things and if you do them right you pass. You can't just 'pass'. One MASSIVE component of that is confidence. Another is stubbornness.

    You asked "if you say, "Hey, my name's (insert male name here)," and they point out that's a man's name or whatever, what are you meant to say?" You look them dead in the eye and just say 'and?' or 'yeah?' or 'your point being...?'

    If you're finding the need to introduce yourself, this is a person you've JUST MET. You don't owe them an explanation of your gender identity and they probably don't want to hear about it anyway. You've told them what you want them to call you, just as they will do to you. It's part of social convention that when someone says 'Call me ****' you call them ****. If a guy comes up and says 'Hi my names Steve' you don't go around calling him Wayne.

    If they argue about it then there are two ways to go about it. One, you can try and explain to them about gender identity. Two, you can leave them and talk to somebody else because who needs that kind of crap the first time you go out!
     
  3. HarryPotterFan

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    Well yeah, in a perfect world, people would accept whatever you say your name is, but it's not a perfect world. I mean, there are certain things in society that you can't just ask random people or it's rude. Unless it's a question of your sexuality or gender, then it's like they think it's cool to ask as many personal questions as they want. So I guess I'd be nervous about that because I have pretty bad social anxiety, so the less bother about it I get, the better.

    Thanks for your reply though, I think you're right, a lot of it is about confidence and I need to get more of that and focus on it being about me and no-one else, and take things as they come. Thanks :slight_smile:
     
  4. abandonedsocks

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    Honestly, somebody could come up to me in a dress and heels. If they say their name is David and they are a boy and like boy pronouns, then that is how I will refer to them! However, I understand I'm not a typical case of person. What are your "feminine" features you're worried about? There are usually ways to get around them. Some guys are very feminine, so I think if you just introduce yourself with a masculine name, people usually won't question it. If they do say something, just do the same to them! I think Ellia brought up some great points, but I do think there aren't a whole lot of people that will bother you about it. When I was younger, despite having the obvious curves of a woman, I could pass very well for a guy. Mostly because I just said, "Hey, my name is ____." and gave them a look that dared them to question me. ;D I don't think I ever once got someone that asked if I was really a girl, but I did get some looks occasionally. You don't need to explain a whole bunch about yourself to random people. But if you're worried about certain 'features' that you think are feminine, perhaps work on googling ways to 'man' those parts up a bit!
     
  5. Sarah257

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    You just go out and do it. A lot of people can't pass, especially at first, but if you become so obsessed about passing, you'll never be able to get out there and start. Sure it's a bit stressful to go out and not pass. That's why it's important to do it anyways. As Elia said, it's about confidence and stubborness. If you are stubborn enough to keep on trying even when you don't pass, you'll eventually gain confidence. Once that happens, it will manifest itself in your body language and people will pick up on it.

    There are two kinds of people who may ask you about your name or other personal details. Those you know and trust, and those you don't. Don't pay attention to the second group. Just give them some sort of brush off like Elia suggested. Those who you are close to may warrant an explanation though.
     
  6. HarryPotterFan

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    Ah, I can't really be specific. It's like...women tend to hold fat on their face more than guys, right? Like, I have a pretty round, chubby face lol and I know guys can too, but I saw this trans guy who did a face comparison from pre-testosterone to after two years, and his face is quite a bit different. I also have really long eyelashes, but that's not so bad, I guess. Besides that, I can't really be specific, I just know that if you look at me, you'll know I'm female.
     
  7. abandonedsocks

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    Hm, well makeup sometimes can help with face contouring, just... try not to make it look like you're wearing makeup. Or facial hair, that'll help you out. You can create fake facial hair really cheaply and easily, and there's a bunch of youtube tutorials. Other than that, I'd say google might help you. :slight_smile: