hi! so i recently came out as trans; first to my parents, and then publicly on facebook. i'm also a high school junior. currently, however, i'm in cyber school due to anxiety. although, i really want to return to school for my senior year. (in part so i can attend prom and graduate with friends and that sort of thing!!) but i'm also experiencing major stress over being misgendered by teachers, and being called by my birth name. i mean i'm not quite as worried about students, because i feel like they'll be a little bit more accepting i guess? but anyway! to other trans students: how did you go about confronting teachers about your preferred pronouns and name? i was thinking about e-mailing each of my teachers individually, or asking my guidance counselor to speak to them. or both! also, has anyone been misgendered even after informing their teachers that they are trans? pretty much, what should i do to let my teachers know, and how successful have you guys been at getting teachers to refer to you by your preferred name/pronouns? thanks!!
I'm not trans, but I have a few trans friends who have dealt with similar decisions. The most successful approach I've seen is a sort of form email sent out to teachers, counselors, administrators, etc. (basically every adult at school) explaining in absolutely clear terms what you're to be called and the appropriate pronoun with which to address you.
Here is something I have previously written on this subject. I hope it helps: Even though I haven’t had a great deal of luck with my peers, I decided to ask my professors this semester to use my preferred pronouns. I think the reason I am telling my profs is because I respect them more than my peers. I have four profs – one I told last year. One professor I’ve already had a class from so I decided that I would do it in person, instead of e-mailing. I hung around after class and asked a benign but necessary question about the class. Then I asked about the preferred pronouns. She said “yeah, I will… well, I can try.” I voiced my appreciation and said that know know it’s a bit difficult. Then she said, or I could just use your name. I couldn’t really talk right, I was stuttering over my words and was like, “yeah, that’s what some people do, it sounds good.” Basically, she said she would and walked out. I dunno if I expected her to ask me any questions. I guess I just didn’t expect it to be that nervewracking and I don’t know why I had to make it so awkward. I don’t know why I have to be such an awkward person, but I guess that’s just who I am. I regret not telling her sooner (I almost did last year) but I don’t even know how it would’ve gone. I trust her and look up to her, and I think when I don’t tell people sooner it tells them I don’t trust them offending them. That seems to happen a lot but it feels too vulnerable and obnoxious coming out to everyone that I know. Anyway, to my other two professors, I sent e-mails. One I’d met briefly a few times before, and the other I hadn’t met at all. I sent them this: Hello Dr. ______, I hope your holidays were wonderful and this year is starting off well for you. I’m excited to be in your ________ class this semester! I am writing to ask if you wouldn’t mind using male pronouns while referring to me in class and outside of class. I identify as male, rather than the female designation that shows on my records. It would meant a lot to me if you were willing to do this, and if you have any questions or want to talk further I’d be happy to. Take care, suninthesky My given name is gender neutral, so that’s why I didn’t make any mention of it. I was nervous, but I sent them. The next day I got two replies! Absolutely, and I think the whole class should be on board with this as well. What you are asking is right and good. See you in class. and Absolutely! I am pleased to honor your request. I’ll see you tomorrow – have a great day! I’m relieved. Sometimes it’s hard to deal with people messing up or not knowing the right pronouns, but if I have my professors on my side, things will be just that much better. In retrospect, this has worked out well. If you haven't had your teacher before, I really recommend this method. I would do it ahead of the semester, especially if you have a preferred name. That was they can be prepared, and not feel uncomfortable in front of the class. It also lets them set a standard (which hopefully is good) for the class to follow. The two professors I have had before have struggled with the pronouns more than the ones I had not had before. One of the previously known one knew I was trans about 6 months before I came out to everyone else, so she was well aware. She misgendered me a few time, but I don't mind so much. She tends now to just not use pronouns. The other professor misgendered me in class a couple times, but now just uses my name instead. The story have been completely different for the professors that didn't know me before. One of them used "he" once with no trouble at all! Like it was nothing. And the other, I honestly don't think I've heard a pronoun from him all semester, but that class was public speaking and I asserted my pronoun stuff to the whole class (of 12 people) on the first day. My story is a little odd because my whole first year at college I didn't come out. So pronouns have been a bit of an issue. But I think you'll have a much easier time. I think e-mailing (or maybe speaking, if you get the chance before school starts) with your teachers directly would show that you are mature and that you trust them to take it well. If you have you guidance counselor tell them, I'm sure that's fine too, but as long as you feel comfortable with it I think you should opt for the former. I don't think you necessarily need to tell every adult at your school - I personally just told the ones I'm around most of the time.
Yeah. All I did was send emails to whoever needed to know (professors, counselors, etc). I let them know my preferred name was different than the one I'd registered under, that I preferred male pronouns, yadayada. In practice, I'd like to think it went pretty well. I had no issues with my name. My professors updated it on the log, on email mailing lists, and I never heard my legal name once (except for when I'd have to use my ID at, say, the library or when registering for counseling). Pronouns were the biggest issue. By the time school began, I wasn't passing as well as I used to be able to (before my hair grew and I gained weight). My first term, most of my professors slipped up. I didn't make a huge production out of it, just said something like "I'm sorry- it's he". Second term, most of my professors are really good about the pronouns/name. Only misgendering's come on part of classmates. My french professor (who I had last term) uses male gendered terms for me, monsieur, etc. Once everyone else in french class caught on to the fact that the ambigiously gendered kid sitting next to them was a monsieur, I wasn't misgendered in that class again. Other classes, professors have been good about the name. Students, not so much. Yesterday, my writing class was divided up to do group work. Professor wrote our names on the board. One woman in my group stands around, looking for someone. Turns out, she'd seen my name on the board and assumed it belonged to "a guy". So she sees me and is all "Oh, I didn't know it was a gender neutral name!"
I asked my psychologist to talk to them and I came out in person to two of them. Everything went well at first but the psychologist came up with an excuse to ''play it safe'' and asked the entire school personnel to call me by my birth name. Most teachers who cared about me tried to avoid referring to me by a name at all if they could but I had to endure the birth name everyday until my doctor told me that they had no right to do that and that she was saying a load of crap. If they try to do this to you, please make them know it is not okay. Bring a doctor in the discussion if you need to. I never tried email but I might do it for college to make sure everything is in order.
