Just want to put this "out there" so it's not inside anymore

Hi,

I'm a 28yr happily married man, but for most of my life I've shifted between wanting to be a woman and being happy as a man. In my early years I thought that my fascination was hyper-sexuality and curiosity. I became confused because the only time I would allow myself to indulge in the fantasy of being a woman was when I pleasured myself. In that sense I very much came to believe that my feelings were just perversions used to "excite", but now that I am older and a little more comfortable asking the hard questions, I think that it was a mistake to classify them as such.

At a guess, I'd say 70% of the time I want to be woman, but I can't help but feel that I'm too old now to pass. I know "passing" shouldn't really be the goal, but I think it would play a massive role in making my life easier/harder if I were to make the change.

I also feel great regret that it has taken me this long to be comfortable even thinking about these things. I know we shouldn't dwell on the past, but I can't help but feel that, if I'd made these discoveries before puberty, I could have made different choices and lived life as a woman.

The rest of the time I brush of my desire to be a woman as male curiosity. Surely most men have wondered "what if?".

All these feelings are compounded by the fact that (as a male) I'm very much a heterosexual (and married) and any choice to live as a woman would make me a gay woman, which seems like too much to bare.

I guess these are the things I struggle with and I just wanted to put it out there so that I wasn't bottling it up inside.

Thanks for listening.
Yet Another "Other"

 

Thanks Nick07,

I understand what you're saying about how I feel "the other times" and I know I have a lot more self-exploration ahead of me. I feel like just expressing what I'm feeling is a step in the right direction though and speaking up about what I feel will allow me to continue my journey.

I have been reading threads non-stop and I just want to say that EC is a beautiful community, full of wonderful people and my heart warms to know that there is love here.

YAO