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How to cope?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Minnie, Mar 3, 2014.

  1. Minnie

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    I've been gender-questioning for a good few months now and now have absolutely no idea who I am. Sometimes I think I'm trans, other times I'll say, "Hm, maybe bigender," or try androgynous. I'm just so confused and think I've talked myself out of the idea so much that I've confused myself about being confused. Yet I met up with a group of transgenders from my uni and didn't feel right after a while... maybe that's just social anxieties.
    For the days when I think, "Yep, I'm trans," how can I cope knowing I've the body I have, the memories I have, and the confused identity I have? I'm used to detaching myself so that I'll behave as I think others expect of me from my birth sex.
    I also need to cope when I feel somewhat cis and don't wanna change.
    I just wish I didn't have to worry about this... I've enough to deal with...
    :frowning2: :goodevil: :eusa_snoo :help::eusa_liar:angry::angry::tantrum::confused2::cry::dead::icon_eek::shrug:
     
  2. BookDragon

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    You could start by clearing up in your head a couple of things you seem to be unclear about! They might seem minor, and actually they probably are, but never underestimate the power of little things in your head!!

    First, you say "Sometimes I think I'm trans, other times..." then you list a whole bunch of trans identities! Trans is a contraction of transgender, as in not the same as your birth gender, as opposed to trans-sexual meaning the opposite of your birth gender. As I say, small thing but the impact can be big in your head!

    Second, "I met up with a group of transgenders... and it didn't feel right". Now ask yourself the following:

    Imagine you are going to meet a group of people. You've never met them, and you only know one thing about them. They all like *insert common theme*. Besides that, they all have different interests and personalities.

    How 'right' does it feel to be part of that group for the first time? Someone on EC pointed out to me once the dangers of thinking that other trans people have some inherent 'shared experience' that must make us feel more comfortable or 'right' around each other. Sometimes we do. Often we don't.

    Third and finally, you can't really cope with those things until you figure out what the problem is. Since it's damn near impossible to say what you 'are', try figuring out what you 'are not'. Don't try and find a label, you will never find one that fits perfectly if you look for it. Figure out what you are, and the label will find you if it needs to. Until then, be happy knowing you can figure out what you 'are not'.
     
  3. Minnie

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    The figuring out what I'm not is something a trans woman I spoke to last week mentioned. She's a bit like me in that she's still exploring. My problem with this method is sometimes I think, "I'm not a girl," and then feeling a bit more like one... but not completely one. *lightbulb while typing* That last statement there is something which I think I've always known and never had an issue with. Cool!
    But yeah, I'm battling things like:
    What does is mean to be male/female?
    Am I just an autoandrophile?
    Am I lying to myself?

    Etc etc. I think I avoid things by asking questions... which gets me more confused (the first is an example).
     
  4. BookDragon

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    Well you're off to a good start..." sometimes I think, "I'm not a girl," and then feeling a bit more like one... but not completely one. "

    Or in more succinct terms.

    I am not:
    "100% female"

    So there is one thing you know you are not. Now you have something to work with.

    What does is mean to be male/female?
    This is one of the hardest questions to answer because other people exist. If I say that being 'male' involves being strong, about a million other people will say "so and so isn't strong and he's male" or "what about strong women!" It means something different to everyone.

    Just ignore what everyone else thinks and just write down these headings somewhere:

    "Male" "Female" "Both" "Neither"

    Now fill things in. They can be personality traits, hobbies, activites, jobs, clothes, body stuff. ANYTHING.

    Am I just an autoandrophile?
    What makes you think that?

    Am I lying to myself?
    Perhaps you are, I don't know. BUT, WHY would you be lying to yourself?
     
  5. Minnie

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    Just autoandrophile - autoandrophilic thoughts and feelings are what made me question my gender in the first place.
    Lying - because I'm not wholly comfortable with it and sticking to what I've known is "easier", plus opinions I think my family and friends have.
     
  6. Capriccio Life

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    This sounds so much like me - I've been questioning my gender for a few months, and just when I think I've got there and accepted it for myself, I start having all these doubts/second thoughts, like "what if I'm wrong?" "What if I'm *insert other genders* instead?" and it's maddening.

    I think I need to break it down for myself, and work out what I'm not, like ElliaOtaku said. Because right now I'm making it into such a big "thing" in my head that I'm not actually making any headway with figuring it out.