Anyone else have issues with feeling insecure about transitioning? I mean, I've known pretty much all my life that something was wrong about my gender and physical sex (like why can't I pee standing up or take my shirt off kind of things). It's always been a struggle and I feel like parts of me died when puberty hit and another part of me died when I came under the impression that transition wasn't possible when I was younger. And now that I know that transition IS possible, a part of me lit up again. But then come the hail of questions like "Was it from your childhood abuse" or "It's probably coming from that other thing" etc and suddenly "what if they're right..." Do you know what I mean? I feel like I'm under another kind of battle. Now I question whether transition is right for me even though really I know it is. I'm just getting cold feet, getting scared. Anyone else get this way?
There was an anon thread not long ago about the very same thing. It doesn't matter why it had started. What matters is - will you feel better with different body? Have you tried everything you can do without the hormonal therapy? Like clothes, a name, pronouns? Does it feel right? If it does and you have those doubts just because of the other people, try to battle with the feeling by telling yourself that you will try X, and you see how it feels. Like: I will try to see a gender therapist. Or I will try to take hormones for one month and I will see (well, after a month you probably won't "see" yet, but you can feel if what you are doing is the right thing - if it makes you happy)
Thanks for the response. I just hate being trans right now. I thought "Well how would you feel wearing women's clothes right now?" and the thought felt awful and wrong. I'm just so conflicted right now and feeling really dysphoric. Don't have anyone to talk with outside here, I'm afraid that voicing any of this would make my therapist or nurse suddenly think "OH he's really not trans" or something. So I'm venting on here >< Hope that's ok... I just wish so much that I was just born the right way and not have to go through all this. I risk ostracization from my family (so far the ones I've told think it's of the devil) and this is only the beginning. Feeling really crappy right now about all this.
come on (*hug*) You are simply you. Maybe the therapist needs to put a stamp with a big TRANS sign on your papers for your to be allowed to start hormonal therapy, but you don't need the label. You know how you feel and what makes you feel better or worse. That's it. If the right clothes is what makes you happy and you don't need more, great. If you feel like clothes are not enough, then try to make one step further.
Nick - thanks man I really appreciate it. I think realizing that what I truly want to do is such a big step it's just freaking me out right now. Just everything it entails is making me spin out. I should probably slow down a bit and just take things one step at a time, though this really is the next step lol. I think not having any real support IRL is making things a bit rough. Maybe I should connect with the trans community after all here.
Yeah, break it into smaller tasks. Remember, that every trans person here feels a bit differently. What works for one, won't work for the other. You have unique background, unique upbringing, different dreams. Don't feel pressured into anything. What I witnessed often was that those insecurities got bigger after meeting trans people who were dead set to start the hormonal therapy. Many people who didn't feel as strong then started to say, Oh, does it mean I am not trans enough? Don't fall for that trap
Connecting with the trans community sounds like a good idea. I'm glad I did it. It's normal to feel that insecurity. Sometimes I wonder if I really want to go through with everything. It's not the easiest and sometimes seems like it could cause even more problems. I think maybe I could be happy without it. And then like you said, I think about wearing women's clothes, or the idea of never going through with it and it feels just wrong. When you're making a big change, whatever that change is, you're going to feel insecure. Change is weird, and hard. But it's the end result we're looking for, and if you think in the end you'll be happier and more functional than you are now (even if along the way it becomes temporarily harder.) If I were seeing a therapist and were ont he verge of getting a letter, but didn't feel comfortable voicing my worries, I would find someone else to voice the worries too. (EC is good, but RL is better.) Personally, I would take a visit to my college counselor, or someone who wasn't involved in the letter-writing process (or however you guys do it up there) so I could say my worries. You could also ask to start T in a smaller dose, so the changes happen slower. That way you have more time to see if it feels right or wrong. Sorry that ^ was rambly. In short, you're not alone, it's a very common feeling for someone about to make a big change. I'd actually be worried if you didn't feel like that. Good luck.
Although I hate to see other people struggling, it's in a way kind of reassuring that I'm not the only one feeling conflicted/confused about gender/transitioning. I hope things work out for you, in the end.
