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Don't know what I am.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Aurora63368, Mar 4, 2014.

  1. Aurora63368

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2014
    Messages:
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    Location:
    Missouri
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I've got a huge conflict inside that I'm trying to figure out. I appreciate opinions and any advice anyone may have.

    Back story:
    I live my day to day as a guy, I have friends, a not so supportive family, and a wonderful socially awkward girlfriend. For the most part I'm a solitary person I spend large amounts of time alone. All of my life I've wondered what it would be like to be a girl, I've crossdressed in secret; (minus being caught once when 13, was taken to a therapist that tried to Cure me) at first it was for the thrill, slowly that went away. I never got that aw moment that some many described, it wasn't a stress re-leaver it made me feel I was wrong for wanting to. I had a normal mans life for the most part, football wrestling, joined the army and was a firefighter for a while. I never seemed to fit in with the "norm" I've always been picked on. Never having more than one or two friends. I've known of trans* people since I was little and from the time I found out, the wonder about the other side grew. So I think I might be trans* I was seeing a gender therapist and I even started hormones. I was excited but due to conflicts with the girlfriend, family, loosing my job and insurance I had to stop.

    Problem:
    I'm a big person 5'9 235 lbs and hairy. The issue is even though I've always wondered what it is like to be a woman and if there was a way to make me an attractive woman I'd do it without a second thought. I don't feel that I'd be an attractive woman. I know there are things I can do ie; surgeries, ect... Those things all cost money that I have little hope of earning. I don't hate being male or act feminine in anyway, I don't know if transitioning would make me happier. I'm worried that it'll make life significantly harder. I wish I was woman, is wishing I was a woman enough? Crossdressing alone doesn't do it for me, if I do transition I want to be seen as a woman, not some halfway rocky horror gnome. I know this is long winded but I want to transition. I am scared I'm not going to like the results
    and this decision will cause me live a lonely existence till death.

    Is any one else similar? How did you deal with this? Any advise on how to proceed? Was it worth it?