Well I've been thinking that my attraction to girls could be because I might be pushing myself to feel attracted to them to an extent. I've been depressed for about 2 years and the first time I felt an relieved from it was when I discovered rediscovered kpop boy bands. I would fangirl over them and I felt my obsession with them helped me cope. A big part of the depression first started because my now ex bf went out of his way to treat me like shit. He thought he should act horrible toward me so I could hate him and forget about him. He was good to me till he decided to dump me. That is why he started that. He thought it would be better to make me hate him than go through with a broken heart...well idea what kind of idea is that cus its hard to hate someone you love no matter how hard you try. I was just extremely emotionally hurt and damage from that and on top of that extremely heart broken at the same time. A year later I started to question myself after I started watching youtubers who talked about their gay sexualities. I first started out with a gay guy. I have always been attracted to gay guy pairings. Then I discovered some lesbian youtubers out of curiousity. I think it opened my eyes to lesbian interactions more. I've always had to problem with gay guys but I wasn't exposed to gay girls much at all till youtube. I always thought the idea of two girls are a big no to me. I was thinking maybe it was because I was possibly bisexual because the idea of me interacting or watching lesbian related things grossed. I pretty much was opposed to the idea if it was related to me. Not lesbians in general (just clairifying). I opened up to the idea and I kinda liked the idea of having a gf more than a bf sometimes. In some ways I thought we would connect way better because we are girls and emotionally I would feel really attached. I just pushed it aside because I thought I could be just curious. One day I saw this extremely pretty girl and I was starstuck by her and stare at all while walking...bumped into people. It was kinda embarassing. I started questioning myself again. I remember I fancyed this one girl from my highschool and I never could put my finger on why I was always curious about what she was doing in her life. I think I took an interest in her when she lied on my stomach while I was lying on the floor. I liked it but didn't really cross my mind at the time. I'm oblivious to everything. I thought about why I liked it now that I wondered if I was bisexual. I always was jealous of the bf she was with. I also have a close friend that I notice "like". When she was dating her bf I was jealous too. I thought it might be because we didn't hang out much anymore. So I never questioned it. My mind start wandering when I hang out with her sometimes. I sometimes think I wish we could cuddle on my bed or hug or something.... The thing is it is never really sexual. There is emotional and romance I can picture but thats it. I don't really get that same feeling when I see a guy. I don't really get the nervous excitment feeling when I see a hot guy compared to when I see a girl I fancy. There are so many reasons to believe I am bisexual but at the some time I lack reasons that I could jst be straight. I also might think my traumatizing experience with my ex boyfriend might be why I have these attractions to girls. Maybe I'm secretly started to be with guys now? My other thread I made a while ago. People thought I was most likely bisexual but I didn't include these details. So what are your thoughts? If you read this all thank you for reading this long post.
