Hey everybody. It's been a while since I last posted. I'm most probably going to be ranting and venting my frustrations but I'd be nice if you guys can continue reading you know what I'm really annoyed about this thing called "expectations". Being the only boy in the family and being smart(which they all say. Freaking annoying!!) my parents have high expectations of me. So today I had a math test and I kinda screwed it up(so far I've discovered a FEW mistakes). I've gotta admit that I'm kinda sad that I'm not gonna get full marks but what makes me annoyed about myself is that I think too much about other's expectations of me. Parents,teachers, friends and relatives. It's really frustrating because I always feel this sense of GUILT. I don't know why. It's probably wired into my head since young that "I have to meet their expectations. I have to meet their expectations". It's really tiring for me. To be honest I don't think I'm THAT SMART compared to geniuses in the world. It's probably because I know my stuff. I don't know. Why can't people just view my like my female siblings. This is really unhealthy. I feel nauseous and this guilt makes me want to literally kill myself. I can't seem to escape this abyss of guilt. No matter how much I tell myself that I shouldn't be so tensed, it can't seem to get out of my head. Oh my gosh I just wanna stay as a shut in for the rest of my life. I don't even mind being euthanized. Someone get me out of this world. Im so tired and mentally distressed.
Hey man. Your experience is totally valid; I can really relate actually. Back in high school I would frequently lash out at my parents when they showed disappointment about my grades. I just threw my hands up and said "What do you want from me!?" They thought I was a straight-A student, but in reality I always got a mixture of As and Bs; the kind of pressure they put on me did not improve grades. But it did wonders for eroding my self-esteem. I lost it when I didn't actually get into any colleges; my self esteem was shot and I have spent years rebuilding it. What they don't tell you when you are in high school is that it's a time for exploration and fun-having and personal growth. Be exploratory, just don't be stupid about it. I spent my whole high school experience focused on grades and avoiding social situations in which I didn't feel 100% comfortable; I wish I'd branched out more. It would have done wonders for my self-esteem to have that balance. Take a deep, deep, deep breath. Take several. Know that you are capable of so much more than churning out grades. That's not what life is about. School is very important, yes, and I believe in getting a good education, but I also believe in personal exploration and growth. This bit is important: find some hobbies you like, whether it's an organized activity or a solitary pursuit. Do something because YOU love to do it, not because others want you to excel in it. Be outside, interact with others, think creatively, create. It could even be academic: maybe you LOVE solving equations or translating ancient foreign literature or whatever the hell it is. But do it because you love it. And it'll also be a great excuse to get away from your parents for a bit. This last bit is really important: know that your parents, deep down, really love and care for you. They mean well. They want you to succeed because they do see in you untapped potential. Geniuses are not always born; sometimes they are made. It just takes some passion and hard work. So maybe start listening to the people around you who tell you you are smart, because the people who love you often see the best in you when you can't.
