Perhaps this is just a normal part of transition (?) but I feel like I have either forgotten how to interact with other people or that maybe I never knew how to in the first place. I have a poor history when it comes to friendships and never had a relationship but when I look back, I can't say I didn't know how to interact with other people. I perhaps wasn't particularly good at it but I guess I learned how to. Though I have always had social anxiety, in more recent years before I realized I was trans I was learning to overcome it and realized that actually socializing didn't have to mean feeling awkward and being afraid of people getting to know me but that I could actually enjoy talking to people, going out at the weekend for drinks, trying new hobbies and the most surprising part, that people actually liked me. But since realizing I'm trans I've become a recluse I just feel like I don't even know how to communicate with people anymore...it feels like I need to learn all over again how to be a part of society because everything I had become revolved around my identity as female. I literally feel like I am faced with a blank sheet of paper and don't know where to begin, what to write, how to write. In fact, I feel like I am the blank sheet of paper. It's like wiping the slate clean and somehow at the age of 26 I have to learn how to 'be' all over again. Is this a normal way to feel?
Eventually you're going to hate me because I keep telling you to look at things another way, BUT I'm going to do it anyway! First, I want to say that as far as I know, it's normal. At the very least I can say I experienced something similar. I spent a LONG time not speaking to anybody unless they came to me first once I realised I am trans. I quit all sorts of things, I've told you before how I had all sorts of hobbies that I'm only just starting to do again. So to start with, you're not alone with that feeling!! Second, let's consider this 'blank sheet of paper' thing. Consider this. You want to write a description of yourself, which is easier to work with; a blank sheet of paper, or a bit of paper covered in chalk and paint with only a couple of bits of white showing through? I hope you said the blank sheet. Imagine now, that the chalk are 'female behaviours' and the paint represents 'male behaviours'. The paper is you, or specifically the part of your brain that deals with behaviour. Your brain is (or rather WAS) full of all these ideas. You've got lots of female behaviours you've learned and used since birth, and a bunch of male ones you've learned by observation. You CAN cover one with the other but it's going to look totally shitty! What you have now is a clean page. Now you can go out and fill that page with whatever the hell you like. YOUR behaviours. Not necessarily male, not necessarily female, just whatever works for you. All those behaviours you've learned and observed aren't GONE you still know what they are, they just don't all feel how the did before. Your chalk and paint are all organised in little pots waiting for you to make art. (WOO METAPHORS). Find people that will respond positively to you. If that means you burn through a bunch of people almost immediately, fine. But find someone that works for you as a friend and build your behaviours up that way. You'll be a functioning member of society in no time
Hi, I just want to say that what you're experiencing is perfectly normal, especially when you've spent your entire life up until now raised with certain rules and expectations. Once you break free from that paradigm, life can seem pretty overwhelming, with no one around to hold your hand. The good news is that you have more power to decide how you wish to live from here on out, as an adult. Instead of living how society says you should, you get to choose the way that works best for you. Also, the fact that you've gone through some seriously lengthy periods of severe depression can also play a part in your isolation, and feeling more disconnected from others. It was my psychologist who pointed out to me that it was I, in fact, who had pushed the rest of my friends away while going through my coming out process, when I remarked how surprised I was that they were still around, since in my mind, they all wanted nothing to do with me any longer. Perhaps you're afraid you'll be rejected, or met with confusion, discrimination, or harassment? It's true: most people aren't transgender, and what little information they have seems to come primarily from inaccurate sources and unjust stereotypes. Instead, see this as an opportunity to educate those who are willing to learn what a trans person is really like. You'd be helping to overcome the wide gap that seems to exist between trans and cis populations, while learning more about yourself and those around you as well.
Thanks, I'm glad it's not just me. I know I have deliberately isolated myself from everyone and quit a whole load of things as I realised I was trans. It felt necessary because I also had it in my mind that everyone would reject me and hate me for being trans. I even felt guilty for being in the same room as other people who didn't know I was trans when I knew that on the inside I was not who I appeared to be. I thought if they knew, they wouldn't want to be anywhere near me. I suppose it was this that led me to quit things as well as the dysphoria that presenting as female caused me, particularly when out in public. Even using the women's toilets I thought how awful I must be, a man disguised as a woman. It made me feel like some huge pervert when really I only wanted to use the bathroom. I know that being trans is supposed to be about getting to choose how you want to live your life but at this point, I feel restricted by being trans. I almost feel like it is a disability that prevents me from leading a normal life. The worst thing is I don't even know who I want to be. If I hope for too much, it will only end in disappointment.
You ARE restricted at the moment, because how many people that you know in real life have supported you through this? People need other people, and currently as far as I can recall, all you have is us, and we can't do a whole lot. We can talk you down and make you feel a bit better, we can give you things to think about but we can't walk you around town and help you back in to the real world. Which means you need to find someone who can. As for knowing who you want to be, forget it. It's not about who you want to be, you want to be YOU, and the only way you can be you is if you stop thinking 'how can I be this person in the future' and start thinking about what you want NOW. Take me for example, I know, or at least I think, I want to be a mum, but my goal right now isn't to marry the first person I find and adopt, it will come in time. There are plenty of other things about my future I don't know about, and since I don't know about them they don't matter right now. Once you discover the things you want now, you can build an idea of a future, until then you won't find anything!
I do question if I do need other people since I have lived a a relatively isolated life. I mean yes I've always lived with my family but I have never felt truly part of it and I have had very few real friends. It's only in the last 3 years that I got stuck with depression and during which time I realised I was trans. When I am seriously depressed I do need other people but at the same time, I resent the fact that I do. I seem to have real issues with allowing people to get close to me so how I can find someone to help me get a life back, I don't know. I think this is something I have to do on my own, even though I'm told that's not possible. I know that I want to move out of my parent's house. I've been attempting to get somewhere with this for YEARS even before I knew I was trans! But to do that I need a full time job, for which I need to be if not confident then at least comfortable with my gender identity. I don't even know what I want to do for work I've just been searching for jobs that say they welcome transgender applicants but to be honest I'm not really in a position to apply for work and attend interviews. I'm still relatively depressed and my social anxiety has increased. I don't feel great about my appearance because I'm not what I present as but feel totally unconvincing as a guy. I think I need a while to get accustomed to presenting as male at home and possibly in a voluntary job but I can't do this because my family are critical of my appearance and just take the piss about my gender :-(
