I'm Concerned About my Transgender Friend...

Your friend is lucky to have such a concerned friend in you. That said, i would say let him be. What permanent changes could he make in a short time? Part of his earlier flakey-ness may have been related to him not understanding himself. Ultimately his identity is his responsibility so hopefully he'll choose the right path for himself. Good luck to you both!

 

I agree with what Windclover has said. I have gone through so many labels over the years.. I was looking at the wrong thing. I was thinking that my confusion was because of my sexuality, when it was really about my gender. A lot of trans people first look at their sexuality as the cause of their feelings.

I'm glad that you are concerned about your friend, because that means that you are a good friend. The best thing that you can do is be there for him, and talk to him if he wants to talk .

 

As previously stated, his flaky nature could've been caused by looking into the wrong area. Being transgender can be real tough until you're able to pass, or are comfortable enough to be the opposite gender in public, stick by his side, he'll need a staunch friend to depend on

 

Regarding physical changes, the more permanent ones - hormone treatments, surgery, etc - all need to be done with the consent of a therapist. Presumably they'll notice if he's not serious about it.

Now, if he's planning on ordering hormones illegally online, then you have more to worry about.

 

There's also the option of informed consent for HRT.

 

Which is true, but informed consent still involves a screening and a doctor who is likely to notice if there are problems. You are going to be under a doctor's care no matter what you do, because you need a special kind of doctor to monitor your blood hormone levels. There is not much difference any more between the informed consent and "standard" models. They both borrowed from each other's successes. Either way, if you start developing problems, a doctor will know fairly early on.

I don't want to derail the thread too much though. Even without the doctor, the patient will probably know fairly soon whether hormones are right for them. The wrong hormones will make a person feel like absolute crap a few weeks in, long before there are any visible changes. So yeah, it's not just that the doctor is going to notice if something is wrong. The patient will too.

When someone goes all the way through the process for the wrong reasons, there is almost always another reason driving it. Things like that tragedy in central Europe when a trans man transitioned to make their mother happy. There usually has to be something pushing a person through the pain and dysphoria because it sucks a lot. It's important to be sure but most people that actually think about hormones and permanently changing their physical sex to begin with are pretty sure.

So yeah I am going to side with everyone else. The best thing to do is to just let them know that you are there for them no matter what, and give your friend room to figure your friend out.

Also if your friend ever does get partway through and realizes it is a mistake, it's even more important to be supportive. It does happen. And if it does they need to know that you don't view it as a mistake. That's everyone's biggest fear, "if I'm wrong I not only lose all the cis support, I lose all the trans support too". When I'm talking to people who detransition, I talk about it as a second transition. They learned things that they could never have known without transitioning, so it was not a waste.

If you think about it, when you take hormones, you're obligating yourself to at least one surgery. You basically can't fight the hormones your body is naturally producing with medicine forever. Eventually you have to get rid of what the body is making for health reasons.

So whether that surgery happens to be breast removal, or "bottom surgery" for people going the MtF direction, or hair electrolysis, voice therapy, and female hormones, or "taking the plumbing out" and continuing transition for people going the FtM direction, that's the risk we are talking about here.

No matter what you do, there are costs and benefits. Just like any other difficult decision.

The real risk is the one someone poses to themselves. This is a well known and unfortunate side effect of the wrong hormones. It's one I like to downplay, because I think the association between trans and suicidal in and of itself makes people feel like they have to "prove" they are trans by being suicidal sometimes, and gets the thought in some people's heads at a time when they're vulnerable. And even though a lot of us get suicidally depressed, not all of us are suicidal and we have different triggers. But it is there. Transsexual people have this risk before transitioning; people who transition for the wrong reasons have it after.

But that effect - the one that matters most in my opinion - is reversible, if they can admit the new hormones are wrong for them, and stop taking them. Which is easier to do when you know it won't cost you friends.

So the best way to fight against the real problem, is to just be a good friend. The more supportive you are, the better off your friend is. It's really that simple.

 

Yeah I know all that, I was just adding in that it's not just the therapist route.

 

This, though I never actually came out as anything.