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Gender Fluid and its confusing

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by UmeboshiisJimmy, Mar 9, 2014.

  1. UmeboshiisJimmy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Everywhere
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I am Gender Fluid as far as i know. when i was say 1-6 years old it was all big poofy Victorian dresses for me i loved being girly and cute but also wanted to climb the tree and would get in trouble at school for beating up boys, playing with race cars, asking to do things with only the boys in my class. My best friend was a very large boy who lived on a farm his parents and mine actually arranged the first playdate for me and his sister. I informed his sister that she was weak and girly and i hated princesses and whent into his room to raid his star wars action figures. at about 7 that changed i was no longer a girly girl on the outside a "tom boy" on the inside. i started requireing that my dayly wordrobe was from the "boys" section of the store. i wanted nothing to do with most feminen stuff. by age 10 i was convinced i was a boy. my mum hated it by 12 she was litteraly begging me to ware "girls" cloths which i would only ware when i was forced too such as at church on sunday and for school photos. from 12-14 my life was like a living hell. at 13 my best friend came out as Bi i didnt even know what that ment i just knew it was not accepted in my school as an ok thing so i found a guy to pretend to date. but people kept calling me butch. i had no clue what that was just that somehow it made me less in there eyes and i was already a awquerd kid. by 14 i was compleatly confused my mum asked if i thought i was a boy , i said No, thats when i got really confused i kept wondering if i was lieing to my mum or what. i had no boobs at all so i didnt bind my chest puberty didnt hit me till i was 15-16ish. but i wore boxers and everything i would not wair girls cloths i walked like a guy talked like one shot bb guns with the boys but i also felt that i was a girl sometimes at the same time sometimes random times. when i got into highschool i moved and in my move desided i was going to try something new, i wore skinny jeans for the first time in my life at 15 years old. I liked them my dress started to get weird one day i would feel like a girl so i would ware a skirt fishnets choped up band T and my vest and so on the next i would feel the farthest thing from a girl i would feel masculine and my dress would go tords camo pants beaters boxers and band T's. i am a very fashion driven person my cloths directly corrolate with how i feel. i would find pride in makeing myself look as male as posible every costume party i would try to convince everyone i was a guy i started being called Jimmy by my friends who likened my male personality to that of Saint Jimmy from the green day song's music video. sudenly i was Jimmy but i was also My female name. ever sence then thats just how ive been. but then i got married. and sudenly its like im haveing some identity crisis. my male side has been mostly just wareing my husbands cloths and he has informed me he does not want me to get a new binder cause "thats creepy" and that hes happy ive been acting "more feminine" i have found that yes i have goten into lots of cute girly things ive never been so into before but i still feel like i switch its just when im feeling male i rarely go all out anymore insted i just ware his cloths or pjs. im worried i am loseing part of me. then today something happend... my best friend who usto call me "just one of the guys" and make coments about how masculine i can be told me that i was just like his cheerleader peppy girly girl girlfriend. It hurt but should it hurt this bad? i mean i do identify as female and was feeling very feminine today but i feel like my heart was wriped out. and i feel like no one gets it im not ether but i am both but im not its so hard to explain and my own husband does not get it at all. but that coment iwas like all the times my mum says "im so glad your not into that grungy boy fashion any more" it hurts she doesnt even see me day to day little does she know how wrong she is just one day i feel like i am male the next i feel like the girlyest princess in the world the next i feel like both and sometimes all 3 happen in one day then i feel like none. well sorry for my spelling (cant help it its like dyslexia but with writeing)and if any one has any coments that would be nice.
     
  2. Music Soul

    Regular Member

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    First of all, I LOVE Green Day! Thats awesome that they thought of you as Jimmy. Anyway, I can kind of understand where you're coming from. I know that I'm not cisgender, but I don't really know anything else. I'm sorry that so many people in your life don't understand the way you feel. And there is nothing wrong with the way you feel! Just remember that the only person who can decide who you are is you. I'm not an expert on relationships, but I would suggest at least trying to talk to your husband about the way you feel. I know, it can be frustrating when people don't understand, just remember that you're not alone! (*hug*)