Hey all, I hope this isn't TOO long winded, but it's been building up inside of me so please have a read. So this is my VERY FIRST post here. I really have nowhere else to vent my feelings, so I figured it's better here than let it keep brooding inside. Basically, ever since I could begin expressing myself (4 or 5), I've been very masculine. I have been wearing male clothes ever since I could dress myself. Wore a dress on maybe 3 forced occasions throughout my life (but not without a fight). I had a 2 year obsession with skateboarding around junior high, and had no interest in any "female" activities (dance, dolls, make-up). To this day I feel detached from all of that stuff. I've always enjoyed comics, video games, working outside, and building things. Anyways, ever since I can remember I've often been mistaken as male. Even when my hair was REALLY long, people would refer to me as my mother's "son". I've never minded it, aside from the awkward situation it would bring about when someone would say "oh no, she's a girl" and then they'd have to apologize. The thing is, I'm almost 20 now and I haven't been called "mam" or "she" in public in over a year. It's always "sir" or "he". I'm not even making a deliberate effort to appear male. I wear and present myself how I feel comfortable. I LOVE the feeling, when someone refers to me as "he". However, I have to be alone when someone calls me this. Otherwise whoever's with me will say "oh, you mean HER?", and it's absolutely horrible. :icon_redf So aside from this, I have to make sure my new professors KNOW I'm a girl so they don't refer to me as "he" in front of the whole class. It basically feels like I'm living a lie. I'm living between the two genders. I've always FELT male, and the joy it brings me when people mistake me is crazy. I watch FtM videos constantly, and am envious of the guys growing beards and muscles. When I first discovered being trans* was a thing, I was dumbfounded. I watched a documentary and had NO idea this sort of thing was possible. The thing is, how would I ever deal with the hardship it brings? All of my acquaintances and family friends, even my FAMILY, would have to get the news and deal with it somehow. I don't know if I could deal with the knowledge that these people were talking about me, and judging me when I'm not there to hear it. The thing is, I haven't even come out as gay to ANYONE yet. I mean, it probably wouldn't be that much of a surprise to my family if I told them, but still… I don't feel like I have the courage to bring up my sexual orientation in a casual discussion. Let alone throwing around the idea that I might be trans… Any help/tips from anyone that has went through this kind of experience? I feel like I'll be trapped here forever, without the courage to be truly myself. Thanks, Tetra :help:
Welcome to EC Tetra. In your post you asked this question: " how would I ever deal with the hardship it brings? " I suppose what I want to ask you most in the world is the following: How do you deal with the hardship you have at the moment? How do you deal with people saying "what, you mean HER?" all the time? How do you deal with the pain of somebody 'correcting' people when they think you're a man? (please note I only use the word 'correcting' to describe what they think their actions are, please don't think for a moment that I think they are right!)
Hi and welcome to EC You can start with your EC's profile. Does it feel comfortable to have the "female" gender there? Do you feel like discussing your gender with your family, OR the orientation? Because if you are a man, you are straight. Don't let i overwhelm you
I guess I deal with it because I have to. I've been told by friends that I should dress much more femininely, because people who THEY know have seen me around and were confused when my friends introduced me as "she". I just wouldn't feel comfortable dressing femininely at all. Most of the time I can avoid confrontations as long as I go places alone (hair cutter's, going out to stores, etc). Last time, I told them my name very clearly at the hair place, and the woman said "Evan?" to which I had to, unfortunately, correct her. Dealing with this is awful, but I wonder if it would be as bad as having everyone deal with me transitioning, and being awkward about it because they don't understand. And in reply to Nick, it doesn't feel comfortable. I struggled with selecting the gender when I first made my account. However, I didn't want to go by any false pretences. I figured that having "female" there would work until/if I ever decided to transition. Also, I was thinking that if I WAS to come out, I'd do it AFTER my degree when it's ends in three years. Whenever I think of top surgery/having a beard, it's really exciting. I just don't want to make a decision, and then regret it later on because no one will hire me, or a loss of friends, or because no one would love me.
I asked how, and you gave me why I know you deal with it because you have to, but HOW do you do that. What do you tell yourself every time someone says 'She's not a guy!'. What do you tell yourself during those times when beards and top surgery come in to your head. What do you tell yourself? HOW do you make yourself OK with it? This next question might be a bit upsetting to answer, and I apologise for that (alternatively it might not be, depends if your emotions are screwy like mine are! ) We have two things to look at; Your life now, and The Life That Could Be. We know your life now. You are happy to let everyone know you are a guy and you hate it when someone corrects them. You've told us how bad you feel when someone points out your birth sex to people. You've told us how good you feel when people refer to you as HE. So now tell me this. When you think of how your life COULD be if you decided to tell people, do you sit there and think about how you could be happy, or do you tell yourself that everything will be worse?
How do I deal with it? Well… I guess I don't. I just shrug it off and try to get out of there as soon as possible. I then begin wishing I was just born male, and almost every guy I see, I envy them (including my brother). When I think about it, I get mixed feelings. One one hand, I imagine people seeing my for who I really am, the excitement of getting chest surgery, and not having to live a lie. The excitement of getting facial hair, and being a son and a brother. I also get excited (and this is probably going to sound stupid) about being able to go outside and do whatever without a shirt on, just like any other dude. On the other hand, I think of how my mom and dad will take it, how my extended family will take it (whether that's denial or disappointment), and then I think of all the criticism from my friend's parents, my school acquaintances, and even my close friends. I have no doubt some will distance themselves from me, and I hear some of them talk about trans* in a negative manner around me. I also think about everyone from my mom's work hearing about it and being so surprised, and awkward around me… I've never gave 2 shits about others judging me, but at this point, I don't want them to still see me as a "woman" (I hate using that word to describe myself) if I transition to be a man. I feel like I'd be known as "that guy that used to be a girl". I don't want to be that. I want to be "that guy". Also, I talked to my brother about trans* people once (he's under 10), and he got excited when I said "imagine if I took that medication and it turned me into a guy". He replied with, and this made me incredibly happy, "you pretty much ARE one now, but I've always wanted a brother. That'd be so cool".
". I also get excited (and this is probably going to sound stupid) about being able to go outside and do whatever without a shirt on," Do you want to know one of the things that makes me happy every day? When I open my drawer for underwear and instead of boxer shorts I see cute underwear I've wanted for so very very long. What you've said there is not stupid, it is something that other people can take for granted and you can't. It's one of the most honest feelings you can express. __________________________________________ Please answer this question as honestly as you can. Are you, Tetra, a man (albeit stuck in a female body)?
Sorry to "mingle". I have been part of EC for some time, but I admit I still don't understand this question. As I see it, you are you. With all your dreams and beliefs and things you love and hate. I understand questions like Do different pronouns or a name make you feel better? But if we have agreed that gender is nonbinary, then even many trans people here can't answer your question "Yes, I am." And if coming out to yourself is a long process full of doubts and gradual discovery... I am just surprised how direct your question is, Holly Or maybe I am in shock how short your post was :lol: :icon_wink
Okie doke. Explanation time. Subject: Are you, Tetra, a man (albeit stuck in a female body)? Issue: "But if we have agreed that gender is nonbinary, then even many trans people here can't answer your question "Yes, I am." " Explanation: Nick, you are completely right, I significant amount of trans people could not give me a yes or no answer to that question. HOWEVER, does it need one? I can think of a few answers that would fit that question perfectly: -Yes. -No I'm *gender* -I don't know / no Nick, you have asked me about why my question is so direct, and Tetra you may also be asking yourself why some random person is asking you something like this. So I will explain. You may have seen me ask the following question to people before: "What are you not?" This question has many possible answers and can be quite effective in many situations. It is a very open question. You may choose to see "Are you *gender* as the logical next step to "What are you not". I have a list of things I am not. "I am not male", "I am not straight" for example. The next step in this process is to think about what I AM. So in this case (Tetra, I hope you are still reading this and don't think I've started to ignore your existence just to talk to Nick!!) we have many things that can go on the "I am not" list. I am (Tetra is) not: Comfortable in women's clothes Comfortable when someone identifies me as 'female' Living how I should be (See - living a lie) Happy with my body (See beard and top surgery) Happy going to places in a group because they correct my gender So as I say, the next logical step is to consider what I am (or rather, what Tetra is). The reason I asked directly "Are you a man" is because there are answers I can expect from it, having ruled out the possibility of being happily female. 1. Yes 2. I don't know / no If the answer is a yes, then we have a solid answer and can start dealing with moving on. If the answer is 'I don't know' then we know where we need to look. Does that help at all Nick?
I completely agree with the list of *things I am not* that you've made. And as for your previous comment about boxers vs cute underwear, it's funny because I've been wearing boxer shorts for a good while now. They just make me feel more masculine, even though others can't see it. My mom knows, but I told her it's because they're more "comfortable", which is true, but it's not the real reason. But I don't know that if I DO manage to tell my mother I want to transition, if she'll ever really see me as a man. Like, I do all the snow blowing, lawn mowing, and building (i.e. putting up trampoline for siblings, fixing broken beds, etc) around the house now. And I really enjoy doing it, because she's giving me all the more "masculine" roles around the house. However, I know it still seems to her that it's her "daughter" doing these things. I want it to be her "son", and without any questions asked. Not even her "trans* son" or her "son that was her daughter". However, I don't know that people will really see me as how I want to be seen, just because of the sex I was born. I also don't know if any FtMs have dealt with the whole "girl" vs "woman" dilemma, but I can handle someone calling me a "girl", but when they say "young woman" or "woman" (especially when my parents say it), it just makes me want to yell at them, or leave. The word just seems to exemplify everything that I'm not, but yet I feel as if I'm stuck with it.
" I want it to be her "son", and without any questions asked. Not even her "trans* son" or her "son that was her daughter". However, I don't know that people will really see me as how I want to be seen, just because of the sex I was born." This could be the trans* motto you hear it so often. It is horrible. I've been full time since October and I'm still worried my dad thinks of me as his son. Mum has slipped up once or twice and said "you're my son". But that happens. They ARE getting better. The problem is that right now getting that without any questions is next to impossible! At the moment, being trans is a MASSIVE thing. Hopefully one day it won't be, but if that day ever comes we will be long dead. BUT and this is really important, there is only one thing you can say for certain. ONE SINGLE THING. The only thing you can be certain of is that is you DON'T tell anyone, you will never be seen as their son. Ever. It might take months, years even for your family and friends to think of you as a man. I'm not going to lie, it is PAINFUL sometimes. But if people understand how much it means to you, sometimes they really suprise you.
Thanks, I really appreciate that! I really wish there was a diagnosis for this, where someone could take a blood test and say "yes, you're transgender". That way people wouldn't question it's validity. Either way, how did you find family friends/extended family dealt with it? Were they weird around you at first? Or were friends awkward about it?
"I really wish there was a diagnosis for this, where someone could take a blood test and say "yes, you're transgender". That way people wouldn't question it's validity." True, but they would then call it a disease. Trust me, it may be crap how it is but it could be much much worse! I have a handful of friends and there was never any doubt they would accept me. They have been my best friends for over 10 years and I am actually proud that I have such amazing people in my life. This is probably not the typical view, but I don't exactly have a 'typical' approach to people, and the chances of becoming a close and trusted friend for me are slim for a lot of people! My family...hmm. Mum and I argued for months. She said some truly awful things during that time. It took a LONG time to win her over. Dad was shocked but basically fine. My dad's parents decided that they both think it's a really REALLY bad idea. They told me they think it will just cause more problems. My grandad won't even try to understand it, and by the looks of things either won't bother or is finding it really difficult to call me Holly and refer to me as a girl. My mums mum, said that as long as I'm happy it's OK. She cried a lot. She really didn't think she would ever be able to call me by my new name. But I'm really, REALLY good at talking to people and that lasted maybe a week. My mums dad and step mum basically said they don't get it but they want me to be happy. My aunt (mums sister) and uncle support me, even if my uncle can't understand it. My aunt and uncle (dads brother)...well they just plain don't give a shit about what I'm doing so they just let that go. I told them before christmas, saw them boxing day and I don't think they actually spoke to me (but that's not unusual for them). I've found that one of the best things you can do is just tell people if they have any questions, they should ask you, even if it sounds stupid. (Obviously I only told this to people who knew me before - I'm not about to justify my gender to strangers!) Most of them haven't bothered, but every so often someone will come to me and ask me something... So not long back my Granny (dads mum) asked me something to the effect of. "Women wear trousers and things all the time, so why can't you wear trousers and just think (you're female) in your head?" Now I told her she could ask me anything and I wouldn't get cross with her, because I would rather she asked and listened to my response than made up her own mind and thought I was bad forever. So I simply asked her how she would feel if she had to pretend to be a man all the time. She said she would hate it. I told her that is how I feel when I have to pretend I'm a man. She accepted that. Don't know what she did with that information but I think it helped.
Woah, thanks for taking the time to answer that! I really do appreciate it! Maybe after this semester is over and summer hits, I'll have more time to think of a plan of attack, and come up with an idea of how to tell some people (i.e. my mom). I really hope she handles it well, considering I've heard some trans-phobic remarks from her in the past… Gotta think of a nice way to put it gently. Maybe an e-mail or something.
One thing worth considering. Transphobic remarks. As it turns out, those are REALLY easy for people to make. Consider the exposure the average person has to trans people. The media likes bad cross dressers and drag acts. People they can basically present as they are and know that enough people will think it's a joke that they don't need to set anything up. Almost everyone has a story about that time they saw "Some bloke around town in a dress". The problem is that most people have so little idea what trans people are that they literally think that they seem themselves as just wearing the opposite sex's clothes! Even the most accepting people will mess up and say something horrific if they don't know any better! Take my mum for example, she's always said she would be accepting if one of her children turned out to be gay. I told her I'm bisexual (like I was going to bother explaining the concept of pansexual to her at the time) and her immediate reaction was "It's a shame you'll never ever have a long term relationship". That's hugely offensive but she really didn't know a damn thing about bisexuality. Point is, just because you've heard someone say something transphobic in the past doesn't necessarily mean they won't accept you, just that they are massively uninformed!
Yeah, I do some sports, and a lot of the kids in one of the sports I teach called me "he" for a good while (they're really young). Another instructor corrected them, and they didn't seem to get the message, and still referred to me as "he". Then, at the end of class, one of the other instructors said "yes, you're a transvestite". He was joking, but I was kind of taken aback by the comment. I totally understand what you're saying about people not understanding/ not being aware. I remember when Chaz Bono first transitioned, and we were watching him on TV at my house. My family kind of approached the situation with disgust and disbelief. It was weird, because at that time I didn't even KNOW what the word "transgender" meant. I was wondering, before you transitioned, when you saw females (like out in public or whatever), did you get this feeling of jealousy, or envy? I find that I'm doing this 24/7 now, whenever I'm on campus and see a male.
Oh absolutely, but in my case I found myself jealous of anime characters more than real people! Basically they embodied a lot of the things I wanted people to see in me, cuteness, happiness, fun, energy, all that stuff!
