I was really looking forward to getting a binder I had ordered. I thought once I had a binder I could start clothes shopping properly because I wouldn't be getting dysphoric over my chest. It arrived today. I tried it on. It fitted. Great. But I looked in the mirror and it all went downhill. I felt really conscious of a slight bulge where my chest had been forced upwards, I noticed how fat my arms looked even though I have actually lost weight and then noticed my flabby stomach and hips and basically just got all dysphoric about my body shape. Now only yesterday I was feeling so much better because I have managed to lose some of the weight I have put on over winter. If I was much thinner, AS A WOMAN I would look start to look anorexic again. I lifted my arms away from my body which made them look thinner and then thought how much better I'd feel about them if they were as thin as that again. I put a t-shirt on over my binder and it just didn't look right. My chest was flat, yes (apart from a slight bulge a little higher up) but the t-shirt clung to my chest and hung too baggy on my body, drawing attention to how slight I am but still I feel fat. Does anyone else find this is a symptom of dysphoria or do I still have weight issues :tears:
I'm inclined to say both... Obviously I've never done binding before, however what you have described is very similar to how I felt the first time I used my breast forms. Things look out of place, nothing fits quite right, and you don't look as good as someone who doesn't need it. So for me, one of my biggest problems was that none of my clothes actually fit like they should. I couldn't wear anything too small because I wouldn't be able to move, and I couldn't wear anything bigger because I have no cleavage to show off (and my chest is stubbly :'( ) and most clothes seem to be designed to show it off! It felt shitty for a long time! It's worst when I wear a dress 'cause I just look...well like a tube. It sucks! Anyway long story short, it does start to feel better once you get used to it. You learn how to get around the stupid things, like my breasts would rotate sometimes so my chest looks really lopsided so you learn how to notice that and fix it so it doesn't happen! As for weight issues...I mean you have at least noticed that you are actually not that big, you just feel like you are...so I think that's a good thing? I mean it's hard to judge that one without knowing what you look like!
Yeah, once you get used to how it feels, it'll be easier to wear/go about day in it. I guess I can kind of see where you're coming from. I'm a bigger guy but even guy clothing's not cut for my body type. So with a binder, I'd have shirts finally wearing properly around my chest but they'd hang weird off the shoulder. Definitely felt loads better not having a chest- probably one of the first times I felt close to normal/happy but it seemed to emphasize my hips/curves. Same with packing. I had a nice bulge but then it was like "oh god my ass is huge" So yeah. When you do present as, hell, you, it's easy to notice what's not up to expectation or what's 'female'. I do this all the time. I think the key is to focus on what you do like. I have a flat chest and a packer- which makes me feel more masculine and at home. On a good day, I look masculine androgynous and feel like hot stuff. And sometimes, especially if I'm wearing clothes I like and aren't feeling too dysphoric, then I can go out and feel good about myself. You've probably got things you like about yourself- focusing on that will make all the difference. It won't make dysphoria go away but instead a little easier to manage.
I know I'm not overweight when I'm 5ft 3 and 8 stone at the most (I don't dare weigh myself - another sign that it is probably weight related as well as dysphoria) but still... It's weird because trying on that binder has made me have a really bad day. I guess my ultimate fear is that transition will make me hate the way I look because I will never look right as a guy. I am scared that one day having been taking t for some time I might look in the mirror and think what have I done, I have created a monster of myself and won't be able to live with it. I mean some ftms look good before hormones/surgery and there are others that have great results from t and surgery but me...I just don't see it. I definitely don't feel right with a female body but I am scared that transitioning won't make me feel better so I am kind of stuck. I can't live as I am but afraid of the solution I can't even imagine a life I would want. I don't know what I want to do for work. I don't have any hobbies. My depression has lessened but I can't make myself take in interest in anything. I do want to live and find happiness in life but I can't make that happen if I don't know what I am aiming for and the things I know I do want just feel unreachable at the moment. I honestly just feel like there's no hope for me and I should just give up ---------- Post added 12th Mar 2014 at 03:51 PM ---------- Thanks. I don't have anything about my appearance that lends itself to being a guy so not much to like really
Hmmm... That's strange... Either maybe try a different type of binder(I like hard binders) or try giving for binder a little more time. Also I know some people lay back when the put on their binder to get the shape they want. Laying back helps prevent the uniboob and similar problems.
For me it helps to wear a t-shirt under the binder, I'm not sure if it would make a difference for you though. Sorry you're feeling dysphoric
I hear through everything you are saying that you feel fat. At 112lbs and 5 3 you are really not overweight at all. In fact I would not think it a good idea to loose any significant amount of weight. I can't imagine the dual struggle of not being satisfied with your weight and the dysphoria.
Wearing a binder is a bit of an art. I know that it took me a bit to find the right placement for mine. One thing that I have found that has helped me is to wear an undershirt. That helps a bit with the clinging issue. You'll also have to get used to how the binder makes your shirts fit differently. It took me forever to get used to not having to buy shirts that fit my chest. It takes time to get used to the difference in appearance, but it's something that over time I have gotten used to..
I'm sure it'll be fine once you get used to it. Just give it a good run in. But I'm sure you look great. <3 <3
When in doubt wear layers! I know it'll be warm (especially in the summer), but it will help. Also, don't look down while binding...that'll make the dysphoria way worse.
