Hi everyone, I'm new here and I came here because like many before me, I started to question my gender identidy. I'm still in the very beginning of questionning since it started a few weeks ago. So a bit of backstory. I'm a 23 years old guy. I don't remember a lot of my childhood and teenage years, mainly because I have bad memory. Besides, anything I remember can have some sort of bias so I won't elaborate on it, unless it can help solve a few questions. The main part is I started cross-dressing around 15-16 (not sure when). At the beginning, it was out of curiosity, taking my mom's tights, then gradually over the years going to skirts, dresses and the whole kit. Then it kind of became sexual for a while. Then maybe a year or two back, I started to buy my own clothes and it became less sexual and more normal. I felt more like myself. But at the same time, everytime I was dressing up, I felt ashamed because guys aren't supposed to do so. This winter, my parents found out my clothing stash and I had some explaining to do. In the whole confusion I told them I would stop, which I did. But during this time, I felt like I was lying to myself. After a month and a half, I started again and, even though I felt good, I was also filled with guilt, thinking of my parents. Also, in January, I stumbled upon an article about transgender children and it peeked my curiosity. I can remember that I always felt a bit curious about trans* people in general. I also saw a movie about a transwoman and her relationship with her wife ("Laurence anyways" if you want to know). I think the sudden awareness of the trans* community made me think that maybe I wasn't just a cross-dresser, but maybe transgender. So I began to think about it, read a lot of stories from trans* and non-binary people and questionning people looking for advices. While thinking about all of this, I came to ask myself many questions. I don't think I am transsexual because I don't feel body dysphoria. I never questionned myself before so my body feels like me, even though I often thought about wishing to be a girl or wanting to be a girl in another life. But I think they were more like fleeting thoughts and not something serious. Also, I identified as male, even though I didn't always feel like a "real" guy, but back then I didn't know about gender identity so it was a guy is a guy. Now I don't know where to identify (hence the questionning) and one of the many questions that keeps me up at night is what does it means for me to be a man/woman? I still haven't found the answer to that one. Also, when I look at myself in the mirror, there are times when I'm ok in seeing a guy and other times where I wish to see a girl. And when I walk in the streets, when I look at other girls, I feel envious about them. I tried experimenting a bit, wearing women underwears and socks all day, shaving my legs and arms (bad idea since spring and t-shirts are coming soon and I will not be able to hide). I did not try female pronouns because I'm not out yet, although sometimes at my job, I just want customers to mistake me for a girl (with my long metal hair) just to know how it feels. So the questions I'm asking myself right now is am I transsexual, transgender, cross-dresser or is it just me fantasizing over this. I put this there because I haven't got a relationship with a girl in over five years and I am still a virin, so it might just be my sexual desires at maximum speed. I know I am the only one that can find th answer to these questions and that labls are just what they are, but when lost at sea, any log can help. I know I don't have to rush things and take it at my own pace, but I believe there is one question above all the others that I want to answer quickly and that is, am I just overthinking all of this and I'm finally just a cismale. I probably forgot a lot of things but it'll probably come if it needs. Thanks for all your advices.
First you must understand that there are big differences in these terms, so lemme break it down for you: Transsexual is when your physically alter your body in order to be another sex. This could be through hormones, surgery, etc. This is usually when people are unsatisfied with the body they are born with and will change it to get rid of it. Transgender is when you do not identify as the sex you were born with. You could alter your clothes, behavior, anything really. You could be just fine with your body but just not want to be that gender. I was born female but I don't FEEL female. I'm perfectly comfortable with my body and don't want to change it. I just don't feel like a girl. Cross-dressing is simply wearing clothes of the opposite sex. You do not have to be transgender to be a cross-dresser. There are cis men and women that like to dress up as the opposite sex. Some people go to the extreme and go full-on acting to be like the opposite sex, but that's not necessary. Think of it this way: cross-dressing is more of a hobby, while transgender/transsexual is a lifestyle. And that's where you have to decide whether you just like wearing women's clothing or if you genuinely don't want to be strictly male and want to identify as genderqueer. I'm in the same boat as you. I'm a virgin with hardly any experience. I question my sexuality and gender all the time like "am I really queer or am I straight but just really horny?" It takes a very long time to figure it out. From what I've read, you might be genderfluid! That means you don't have a set gender and shift. One day you could feel like a boy. The next, a girl. Then the next, not identify as any gender. I've been feeling more like this recently. Dysporia can be torture because it's so confusing and there's really no proven way to figure it out. It's all about what makes you happy and how you want to live your life. Best of luck!
Sounds very similar to me, ahah. No one can answer what you are, that's all on you I'm afraid (As you said). It sounds like you might need to spend more time thinking on it. If you don't feel a great urge to switch, then don't. When you think of yourself as an old person, how do you see yourself? Do you feel insulted or saddened when someone refers to you as 'male' 'boy' 'handsome' 'strong'? There were always signs or clues for me since I can remember, but for the most part is seemed to just be an obsession, an impulse, that I hoped went away with time. Crossdress for a bit, then maybe forget about it for a month or so. Hearing male pronouns always bothered me, and even though I would get complimented and I felt flattered, I always felt heldback. Being called handsome to me was nice, but felt wrong. I felt alright as a guy for the most part, but there were a few issues, when I looked in the mirror I just saw ME, not even necessarily male or female. My body felt like mine, because it is mine, but even when I was popular or attractive to many I felt off and insecure. Like, when it comes to my... lower areas, I did not mind having male parts, I felt indifferent, but I DO feel embarrassed of the bulge, the dent, the uh.. idk the fact that there's something there. I always felt a phantom chest, covering myself up to the Nth degree. Always envying or being jealous of women, almost to the point of being 'better' or 'luckier' than men. Whatever you do, don't get sucked in, don't obsess (You said you won't rush, I'm just stating as an extra reminder). I still obsess here and there, at the end of the day a person should just be themselves. Do you see yourself being a parent one day? Would you rather be called daddy or mommy? Does your gender properly reflect being with your partner? This doesn't even touch the after subject of passing, or 'fitting in' or 'being accepted' or having to go through trial and tribulation. It's good that you're taking it slow, maybe you just like a few feminine things. Paint your nails and go in public, shave your legs/arms, see how you feel. Liking certain things do not define you, it's about self image,
Thanks for the clarifications. I'm still new to all the LGBT community so I can mix things up. Forgive me about that. I will have to think about this and maybe experiment to see what makes me feel comfortable. I forgot about that one. It might explain a couple of things. Thanks for the advices. I don't really have issues with pronouns because I've referred to male pronouns all my life. Maybe now, I'm more aware of them, but I don't really think they bother me. I don't know about female pronouns. I don't think I'm ready to come out to a friend and tell them to refer to me as her. It scares me a lot and I also wouldn't know what to come out as. What I could try is, since my first language is French, and it is a gendered language, maybe I could try to refer to myself as a girl, just to see how it fells like. I could try subtly projetting a more feminine image of myself, going at my pace and experiment things to see if I'm comfortable. Maybe I'm just a feminine guy after all. And yes, maybe I could try to stop thinking about that stuff for a while, maybe it is just a phase... Also, since last summer I think, I though about crossplaying at a anime convention this August. I know it's in a while, but maybe it will answer some questions that are still unanswered then. I won't say I was obsessing, but it was constantly on my mind lately to the point I was neglecting my studies to wander on Internet searching for infos. Just talking, well more like writing, to someone really removed a weight on my shoulder. Last thing, I think my mom found my neglected panties laundry. She didn't talk to me about it and I certainly won't mention her about it, but if she talks to me about it, I don't know what I could say.
