Admittedly there is no real point to this post other than me dumping a load of anger and fear so I apologize in advance. If anyone takes the time to read this and has any advice/support it would be much appreciated But most importantly I just need to get these thoughts out of my head before I explode :tantrum: I feel like I am stuck in a trap. I need to get out but I don't know how. I'm scared. Most days I am stuck at home with my sister who is currently unemployed and my mum who only works part time. I am looking for work as well at the moment but I haven't found anything I am qualified/experienced to do. Plus I will admit, I am terrified of working in my local area and being out as trans so I am hoping to find something further afield. For now, I spend my days searching for work and trying to find things to do to keep me busy around the house. My sister rarely speaks to me as time has gone on since my mum outed me as trans. We exchange a few words but never have conversations like we used to Mostly it's just awkward silences. She bites my head off over the tiniest things and although anything remotely related to me being trans is not a welcome topic of conversation, I can't help thinking that's the reason behind it. I also feel like I've been cut out of the family since my mum and sister seem closer than before and don't care to make me feel included. It almost feels like they have their own exclusive club, 'members only' which I suppose is understandable since I am no longer thought of as female and in all honesty, I wouldn't want to be in that clique talking about clothes, make up, going for afternoon tea and gossiping about work. It wouldn't feel right for obvious reasons but what I don't like is how I'm made to feel left out and automatically grouped with my dad when my mum and sister know I dislike him for very good reason. Now that they group me with him (and men in general), I have become aware of how they constantly make unfair and sometimes hurtful assumptions about me based on how they think I should feel and behave and the things they think I should enjoy and want to pursue as a career. For example, my mum thought I should want to apply for a job as a post man because that's 'what blokes would do', never mind the fact that I'm small and petite and so wouldn't be able to carry 6-8 16kg bags for a 3 1/2 hours a day, or the fact that it's not something I am even interested in doing. I am also supposed to want to grow a mustache and beard. Most cis guys I see don't choose to have a mustache and beard so why should I have to? :tantrum: I'm not saying I would never experiment but I don't think it would suit me and that's good enough reason for me not to. Basically, my mum just bad mouths men in every way and I'm now becoming aware of why I probably get dysphoric about things that aren't super masculine and never wanted to accept I was a trans guy in the first place because I have been brought up to believe that all men are stupid, chauvinistic and don't have any emotions. I know society also plays a part in the messages we get about how women and men should behave etc but my family are so traditional when it comes to stereotypes. My sister's boyfriend can't cook, wash, clean etc and my sister said she wouldn't want him to because that would be taking her role and he wouldn't be a proper man. I'm just so angry that my mum and sister are pinning all these stereotypes on me because I am scared and need their support but instead, I am expected not to have any emotional needs because I'm a man. I feel like I am being forced into a gender role that feels better than being a woman (the meek obedient housewife), but doesn't exactly make me happy. As a guy, in my mum and sister's eyes I feel worthless. The fact that my mum has brought up the subject of 'grandchildren' this week makes me feel even more worthless because I obviously won't be giving her any biological grandchildren or even adopted grandchildren for that matter. To be honest I never have been any good with children and years before I realized I was trans, I knew I hadn't any maternal instinct so I never at any point saw myself having children. Plus there is little chance of me ever having a partner any way. Even though I am living with my family I feel totally alone. I'm never allowed to say how I feel which I guess comes with being a man. I'm just expected to suck it up and get on with my life. Last week my mum went to a support center to find out more about what it means to be transsexual and get answers to some questions she said she had. I was hopeful that after that she might be a little more supportive but I was wrong. I don't know what the questions were that she wanted answers to but when I tried to make conversation about her visit, all I got was 'I suppose it was helpful' and that was it. I don't know what I expected really but I guess more than that. We just never talk about anything in our family and it's always been that way. I don't know if it's me expecting too much support or if my family are just generally useless when it comes to the emotional stuff.
That sounds like a really tough situation. I don't know what I can really give for advice, but I will say that if they are totally unsupporting it might be time to start taking steps to support yourself independently of them. I know a lot of people that have moved to another more accepting area because of this. If you can land a job, try and build up a nest egg and explore what options are out there. My family was fairly supportive, but I still choose to live far away from them because of the difficulties I had with them growing up. If you start doing little things to gain some independence from them, hopefully you will be able to feel a little more in control of the situation.
Wow, this is completely opposite to what I'm experiencing. My dad was in the army so no matter what I was told to 'just get on with it'. That was the message drilled into me since i can remember. As a result I'm a pretty detached person. So when my parents are trying to talk to me about my decision to transition and get emotional, I have no clue what to do. Suddenly my dad's worried because I'm not looking upset and he's telling me to talk to him and all sorts. It's really surreal. Of course it'd be easier to open up if they were accepting. At the moment they refuse to use the pronouns/names i asked because they're certain when I see the doctor they''ll tell me I'm going mad rather than agree I'm trans. Luckily I currently live with a best friend so I only have to deal with them in small doses. But when the tenancy here finishes, there's a big chance I might have to move back into my parents. Since the flat we're in now is terrible so we won't stay here. We were originally planning to get another place with other friends but now that might not be possible. At least my parents have until September to adjust in theory. I really hope they manage too, and I hope you find a solution to your problems. I hope you get a job soon so you can become more independent. Maybe you could try temporarily staying with a close friend?
Your family's idea of "what it means to be a man" sounds awfully like my husband's family's version. Since he was the oldest son he was the one who had to "man up" but he also had to do all the jobs his mom did not want to do or was working when they needed done, etc. He actually broke up with me once because I saw him cry when he saw his grandmother in the hospital after her stroke. He did not think I would still respect him as a man because he cried. He thought for sure I would break up with him for being unmanly so he broke up with me before I could do it. It took my husband a lot of years to break the yoke of his parent's expectations of masculinity. One thing that he came to realize over time is that there is no "right way" to be someone else's version of you. You have to be your own best self. Right now you are trying to find out who you are and how your life is going to go from here on. It would be enough of a struggle if your family was supportive. I am so sorry you have to go through all of this with your mom and sister being part of the problem instead of part of the solution. Hang in there and be strong. Try to make clear-headed plans for your own future and lay out steps to get you there. Unfortunately it sounds like you will have to work on it all on your own. Even working on it alone it will give you something to focus on when you are having rough days. Good luck to you.
@Calix, I don't have any friends unfortunately I never have had any really. Was bullied throughout secondary school and sixth form college which made me a loner, not because I was trans or anything. I wasn't even presenting in a masculine way intentionally or unintentionally. I just never fitted in. I worked hard in school, achieved good grades but unfortunately this and my reserved personality made me the target of bullies. When I started university, I was at a complete loss of how to make friends and trust people and once again found myself the target of bullies because I was a 1st class student Having had very few friendships in my life and none that have lasted (many of my so called friends became bullies) I am clueless when it comes to forming friendships with other people. I understand not knowing what to do when people get emotional. I can be like that too. In fact I think the years of isolation and bullying at school and poor relationships with my family have turned me into a very hardened person. I can be very detached and I am only just realizing that I have any emotional needs or that I have any need other people in my life. @katwat and @Calix thank you both for your support
I apologize in advance for all of this but the past week and now this week too, I'm just kind of giving up hope of anything getting better in my life and I just need to tell somebody about it (that is assuming anyone reads this!) It seems to be becoming the norm now that I am excluded from the rest of my family, which means I am basically getting the same treatment as my dad who everybody dislikes. I have no one to talk to at all apart from venting on here and my weekly counselling. I try to make conversation with my mum, brother or sister but it's clear they don't want to talk to me. They respond with a few words or a short answer before moving onto something else or starting a conversation among themselves. I don't really expect anything else from them really. I mean I know my place being trans. I'm not going to be giving my parents any grandchildren or a son/daughter-in-law and they're definitely not going to be proud of me as they are of my straight cis siblings. It just gets me that their opinion matters to me when I wish I didn't care about any of it - the fact that my family are shutting me out, me being trans and at best will be a short, ugly, half-woman-half-man creature, and the loneliness that I will have to suffer as a result of it all. I want to be able to be in a position where I am entirely self reliant and prove to my family and everyone else that I don't need them or their approval. I guess that ultimately I want to be untouchable but as much as I try, I always fail. I want to be able to walk into the supermarket to buy my groceries and not give a damn about people's reactions towards me, to live alone but not care that I am lonely, to leave home and not care if my sister never contacts me again. If I see couples out walking or shopping, I want to be able to think :eusa_sick 'what's that all about?' When I think back to my younger self who put up with school bullying, never really felt part of the family growing up, managed to keep closeted about my sexual orientation, studied harder than I ever could now, had no friends or relationships and actually believed these were things that weren't for me, and in spite of it all, was only mildly depressed...I wish I still had that strength. Instead I wonder how the hell I got through it because that surely couldn't have happened to me :confused2: Back then I didn't really have any support but somehow I managed and now I can't Why can't I?
Sounds like you need to get a job and move out! Go and don't look back. Things will get better! And are there any other LGBT meetings where you could make friends?
