I've been thinking alot about my childhood lately, and the thing that i remember the most is me, being six at the time wishing i was a girl. I remember crying when i was alone because i wasn't one. I also remember playing pretend alot too. One time my dad brought home a box of stuffed animals that one his friends got out of a digger machine, and one of them was a pink dog which was the one i wanted most. Starting around my seventh birthday when i would blow out the candles i aways wished the same thing, which never came true. When i got older around 12 or 13 i pushed all that as far down as i could. But every time i did, the thoughts came back stronger. Moving on to the present, there are days i'm fine being male. But then there are days i get depressed because i am. I hate getting showers, because feel my body isn't right. I hate looking in the mirror because the face looking back is a man. This is all i've been thinking about the past week, and i don't know what it means. There are days i'm really happy being male, but somedays i hate my body, likes its not right. I guess what i'm asking is, what does it mean? I keep trying to find the answer but i can't find it anywhere.
Since you say that some days you are fine being male, but other days you feel like you should be female, do you think that it's possible that you are genderfluid or genderqueer (or any of the other non-binary gender identities)?
I could be, but i only kinda know what genderqueer means. And if i am, how do i deal with the days i'm not comfortable in my own skin? It sucked when i was a kid and now it feels kinda of worse.
Genderqueer usually just means that you are somewhere in the middle of the gender binary. So, it's like you are in between male and female. Some people's gender shifts along the binary, and some people choose to identify as genderfluid because of this. As for dealing with it, you just have to find what works best for you. Some people wear bra's and women's underwear underneath their male clothing throughout the day because that makes them feel more comfortable. Some present as a more femme guy. There's not really one cut and dry answer that works for everybody.
I do feel stuck in the middle somedays. Its just been getting stronger lately. I have worn mascara before and it make me feel more like "me". I guess i'll have to find someway to deal with it.
