Ever since I can remember I never felt right in my own body. I didn’t know what it was. But when I started to go through puberty, then I realized that I hated what I was becoming. During middle school I use to dress up in my moms/sisters cloths, and pretend to be a girl, when my family was away. I would shave my legs, and arms all the time, having hairy legs/ arms was just gross to me, and still as. I loved make-up, my sister had only a little, but I loved putting it on. Looking back i probably looked like a prostitute. I remember wishing every night that I would just magically wake-up a girl, and this nightmare would finally be over. One day my parents caught me in the act, of cross-dressing, my mother seemed really worried, my dad, and brother began to hate me for doing it. I felt like I was some kind of freak. So i stopped for a long time, believe that being how i am is something I should be ashamed of. They later thought that it was just a phase like I was just trying to figure out who I was. I really just wanted to tell them the truth, but I didn’t I guess I was just too scared. As time went on I learned to suppress the feeling, which led me to get more, and more depressed. I got into Online Role-playing games, in these games I would always play as a girl, character, and pretend to be one online. These games allowed me to create a world where I could be who I am without having to be judged, or deal with my parents. It allowed to cope with my feelings for a time, but I was just in denial. I use to try and convince myself that I could cope with it, like I would be making everyone else in my life happy if I stayed a man. I had a couple of girlfriend’s throughout high school. I ended up breaking up with all of hem because I couldn’t keep lying to them, and to myself. During my junior, and senior year in high school, I became more, and more addicted to playing online role-playing games, and stopped talking to people. I stopped talking to people, figuring I wouldn’t have to lie to them, which caused me to become more, and more depressed. As well as, being 6 foot 4 making me feel like I could never really be a woman due to my height. My depression got to the point where I thought it would be easier to just end my life. I still have these thoughts today, but I know that if I keep going I could at least figure-out who I am. Lucky I came out to a close friend who was, and still is extremely supportive of me, and has helped me realize that it is ok to be who I am. She is why I am writing to you today. Now I am currently in college, getting a degree in Engineering. Going to a school that I hate. Still pretending to be a man, completely terrified/ depressed to come out to my parents about it. As well as feeling confused like, maybe I’m just wrong in the head, or making it up. Is it normal to feel this way? Also, is normal for feelings to come and go? For me I know in the morning and at night, I get really depressed. Like all the feelings I had been suppressing throughout the day, comes crushing down on me.
Greetings from a fellow tall girl (6'3"!) I think you would be suprised how many people come here with a story that sounds exactly like that, especially the part about the role playing games. I myself noticed that over the last few years you can see my characters going from an over-compensating strong male, to the female characters that resembled how I felt inside, so before I say anything else, just know that you're not alone in that regard! Now you've asked a question that doesn't make sense to me. Is it "normal for feelings to come and go?" The reason this doesn't make sense to me is that from what you've said, it doesn't sound like the feelings have gone anywhere EVER. I mean the way you describe your actual living life it sounds like everything is still there all the time and you just force yourself to focus on other things. Plus you keep saying you've been 'suppressing' them, so I would like to know WHEN these feelings actually DO go away, and if they really do go away of their own accord, how do you feel? The second thing is that you aren't wrong in the head. You might be wrong in the body, but not in the head. The head, or the mind at least, is who you are. Your body is just a vessel to move the mind around. You just sound like you got given the wrong one
They really don't go away, they just are lessened in a way. Like i can distract myself, by concentrating on one thing, and i suddenly don't feel as depressed. Then when i'm not focused I get confused, and begin to doubt myself.
I totally understand what you mean when you say I would be making everyone else in my life happy if I stayed a man" (except in the opposite sense). It's like you don't want to disappoint them, and have them start acting differently around you when you tell them the truth. I feel like if I transitioned, no one else would understand, and would judge me constantly. But how could anyone that hasn't dealt with it understand anyways? It's like anything (eating disorders, OCD, being a teenage parent, or any other affiliation people deal with). How would anyone know what it's like if they've never been in the exact same position? I think talking about it with your parents, or even a councillor at school if you don't want to approach them about it yet, would do you good. There are ALWAYS options. Even if your parents can't accept your feelings yet, then you always have the option of moving away to progress in your transition/meet new people/attend a school that you DO like (and have some fun with your education!). Don't feel backed into a corner of unhappiness. Talk to someone, just to get the ball rolling! (posting here is a good way to start, too)
I used to feel guilty about everything you said... But then I realized that I do have this transgender side of me and I realized that I wasn't lying to them when I passed it off I was a female when I was online. It was a fantasy where you can live your life without restrictions. That is part of me and I came to realize it. You aren't alone. However I can also speak to the addictions aspect of MMOs. I was addicted too and was shutting myself off from the real world to the detriment of my friendships. I didn't lose friends but they do remember when I was a shut in and I don't want to be like that again. You'll find your way, you already accepted yourself, and that's one of the hardest things to do.
