Hi there, I'll try to be as clear and concise as possible because I know there are a lot of threads like the one I'm about to write and I don't want to provoke a "not another one, can't any of you gender questioning peeps read?" kind of response. And just another quick thing: if I use the word "normal" at all please take it to mean something along the lines of "as traditionally defined" and isn't in anyway an attempt by me to connote someone is abnormal if they fall outside this limited definition. Did I mention that I was going to be concise? I think I've already failed ha ha. So.... I'm white, I'm in my mid 30's and I was born biologically male and have presented as such for all my life. This is a lie (I think - not the part about being white though, I am hurt-your-eyes-with-my-shirt-off-in-the-sun kind of white ha ha). I have also presented as straight. This is almost certainly untrue as well (although I am predominantly attracted more to women than I am to men). (Look at all this concision:icon_wink) I've never really seriously questioned my gender until recently. That is to say I've never really felt like a man I just kind of assumed that I am one because of my genitalia. Having said that since puberty I have never felt entirely comfortable in my body (I'm aware this is not uncommon regardless of gender or sexual orientation). I've always been very thin - I'm about 5ft,10inches (177cm) and weigh about 125 pounds (58kg or 9 stone) - with almost no naturally occurring body muscularity and a severe lack of facial and body hair and a higher voice and intonation than most men (my facial features are far smaller than most males too - nose, mouth, even head size [women's sunglasses are a better fit for instance]). That is to say I probably have far more female attributes, physically speaking, than male ones (I realise this is mostly irrelevant to which gender I might identify with). Internally though it feels like I've been engaged in a cold war with myself since puberty. I have fought my desire, almost need, to dress in clothes normally ascribed to females/women. It has made me feel ashamed so I block it out for long periods only for it to surge back in greater force time after time. Occasionally I have succumbed to the need - going so far as to secretly buy a dress and make-up online and "dress-up" late at night when I'm all alone. At first there was a sexual element to this feeling but more and more it just makes me feel content and at ease with myself just by thinking about it, just by imagining myself this way in my mind. I love women's clothes. Love them. I don't hate men's clothing but I just love the colours and styles and intricacies of traditionally designated women's clothing - jumpsuits, dresses, heels, even jeans and tees, whatever, they make me feel happy when I think about them (and not in a sexual way anymore). So far, so cross-dresser. I have never hated having a penis and testicles. In fact during sex (a rarity for me) they fulfill the brief of attaining sexual sensation and release but I remember the first time I watched Silence of the Lambs the serial killer in it, Buffalo Bill (and no, I'm not just about to confess to murderous serial killing feelings ha ha) has gender dysphoria and is planning on having SRS. One scene shows him tucking his genitals between his legs. This I could relate to. I've tried it myself and I like how I look but it is only superficial dealing as it is with appearance rather than both the physical feeling of what having a vagina might be like, but more importantly, the emotional and psychological differences that would be involved. More and more lately I have been imagining myself as a woman. My sexual fantasies especially are about being with other women as a woman with a vagina and boobs and long hair and all of that. I know these aren't "normal" thoughts for a straight male to be having and in my cold war it seems that the feminine part of me is winning. I took the Bem Sex Role Inventory test recently and as traditionally focussed and inexacting as it is, when I answered completely honestly my results were: 54/100 - Masculine 79/100 - Feminine 60/100 - Androgynous As I said the test is pretty hetero-normative in its approach and inexact because of this but these results surely indicate something. In a perfect world, a world in which I could be guaranteed that sex re-assignment surgery would be successful (including some kind of sexual fulfilment at some stage post-healing), where my loved ones wouldn't blink an eyelid, where the wider world just thought it was rather boring, then I can't say that I wouldn't transition. In fact if post-op sexual function could be guaranteed and that there was a small chance that I could meet and fall in love with the right woman (or man), someone who would fully accept me, then I would probably start transitioning tomorrow. At the very least I now know that I need to find a psychiatrist/therapist who deals with these issues specifically and start to be brutally honest with myself going forward. That was about as concise as an elephant in a room is invisible. So, what are your thoughts: am I a transwoman, just genderqueer, or just odd? Thank you so much for reading (and in all likelihood, particularly if you are a long time member and choose to respond, repeating yourself for the millionty-billionth time). (*hug*)
I would say Transgender... Your story... sounds a lot like mine! I am 5 foot 10, 155 pounds... my two brothers & Father are both over 6 foot 2 inches and are easily over 240 pounds. I recently found out that I was never a "Male" but Intersex, as I have both genitalia (Female was hiding inside me) I started dressing in clothes at night in private too, in my very early tween/teen years. As for SRS... Sexual fulfillment is quite possible... I don't want to get to graphic... but they use your penis skin to make your vagina... the skin on the tip becomes your clitoris... so you get sexual enjoyment. If you need any help or guidance, Let me know ^^ I was in your shoes about 7 months ago... but you're already ahead of where I was because you are here =)
Thank you Plenilune. It's a good feeling to know I'm not alone. I think I might be trans as well but I can be emotionally extreme at times so I'm not sure if I'm trans or just genderqueer and travelling through a more female phase. I guess some hardcore therapy will help me find out. And you can totally count on me badgering you for knowledge . It must have been traumatic finding out you were Intersex. Or at the very least shocking. If you don't mind me asking, did your parents know or was it just something that was missed by everyone until recently? If you haven't already had SRS would the internal vagina be able to be used if you do undergo SRS? Sorry for all the personal questions.
I actually found out i was intersex while getting my stomach looked at via ultrasound. no body knew before hand, not even me. I was actually happy about it as my doctor says when I undergo SRS they can hook up my uterus. I haven't gone through SRS, as there are per-requisites you need to fulfill to do so 1 year minimum Hormones therapy, real life experience & 1-2 therapist notes saying this is the best option. From my research your Vagina will be usable for sex, the depth of it depends on the size of your member as a guy, but the average depth is 6 inches. They do alot of work on the plumbing down there, but with today's science, it will look like a real Vagina on the outside after surgery. Hormones will do alot of work for you, as taking Estrogen feminizes you slowly, and depending where you sit on the physical gender scale(how masculine or feminine you look) will determine how quickly you will take on a female appearance. You'll grow breasts, have softer skin, begin to take on an hourglass figure, etc etc As for the acceptance, there are actually alot of men and women who will date trans people even before surgery, as the acceptance that (even before surgery) as Trans is their displayed gender (I.E. most men and women would consider me a female because I live and present as one) so if I date a guy now, he is still straight, and if I date a woman now she is lesbian or bi
1. That's kind of amazing isn't it? So you have a uterus as well. Wow. My anatomical knowledge is pretty shit but I would have thought that your uterus might have been aborbed by your body somehow (shows how much I know ha ha). Obviously not. Does that mean you have ovaries too? That can't be can it? Surely you would have felt some kind of internal menstruation happening. I'm so ignorant. 2. Thanks for the info. I've done a little bit of research on this and witch current medical technology and knowledge it all sounds completely doable. I have read some disturbing side effects relating to hormone therapy. Obviously depending on how much testosterone and estrogen that is already naturally occurring side efeects will effect different people differently (if at all). As I made clear in my initial post though I'm not completely certain I'm trans so I'll be trying to get a referral to a therapist this week to try to truly understand my nature. But I really appreciate the info.
