sorry for another thread but this again...

I am finding it really difficult to understand how I got to where I am now. I'm actually frustrated by it.

How did I get from being a child and then a teenager who loved reading fiction, drawing, painting and making things and enjoyed studying to being a depressed young adult and now trans guy who won't go near art, fiction and gets anxious if I have to pick up a pen ? My CV turns me into an anxious wreck because there are so many A - C grades on there and I find myself wishing that I had D - F grades instead. What is this?

 

That's what happens when your world falls apart.

Right now, you feel terrible. You feel terrible about your situation. Your brain tries to rationalise this by making you feel like you are living a life you don't deserve.

I got A-C grades, but I feel like a terrible person, the world treats me like a terrible person, therefore I must BE a terrible person. Why should a terrible person have good grades? If I had just failed I wouldn't feel so bad because at least I would KNOW I would have proof I'm a terrible person.

I had all these hobbies that I loved. But the world tells me I don't deserve to be happy. I am a terrible person, do terrible people deserve to be happy? Perhaps not. So why should I be happy? That's not right. I'm terrible, I shouldn't be happy. I should never have been happy because I am TERRIBLE.

How much of the above sounds right to you?

You are surrounded by negativity in your life. Horrible things happen and you look for reasons for them happening. We all do it and we all decide it's because we were bad, because that's what people tell us. This is true for basically every human being.

Find your way out of the negativity (aka your home), and you will be able to look for positivity. Find positivity and you will find yourself. Find yourself and you will find your happiness.

Don't give up.

 

Hi.Commented on you other thread,and commenting here as well(just because I care and want to).As a teenager I loved reading as well.As a preteen I even did a University course.The depression started hitting me,but properly at 14.Grades fluctuated.That changed at 17 when I got rather impressive grades again.And then everything went downhill.It sometimes feels like intelligence causes more problems.It seems more of a curse than a blessing at times.Also sometimes I would just like to feel more ''normal''.Or I feel like I do not deserve to be the way I am,feel like I should be different,feel like I can not relate to anyone.So I play dumb at times hehe (thats just my subjective experience though).I could go on evaluating myself,but in my experience its good not too self-reflect too much.I still struggle at times though.Instead of focussing on what is wrong in your life,how did I get here,etc etc realize that you are where you are.Try to think of what is right in your life.If that seems like a hard task,then you know that changes need to be made.If you can think of a few positives in your life,focus on them and use them to your advantage.

---------- Post added 19th Mar 2014 at 05:47 AM ----------

PS I know the feeling of how it feels when everything falls apart.It sucks.Big time.Do not focus on the past too much though.Focus on the now and that things will get better(seems like an absurd idea maybe,but hold on to that thought).Hopefully both you and I can make some decent progress along the way.

 

I'm not sure it has to do with me feeling a terrible person. I just can't believe that I ever enjoyed art or fiction or even wanted to study when I should have been wanting to pursue more masculine things. Does society really have that much of an influence over our gender identity that I now want to learn a trade and discard my intellectual and artistic skills, pretending that I never was that person?

 

Ah.Society has an influence in some way or another.The amount of influence it has on you is your decision though.I myself am proud to not be of the norm,since the norm can be rather unhealthy at times,and normal is ultimately a subjective experience.One of the things I am learning on my journey is: Screw society.As long as you abide by the basic rules to some extent then all is cool.Should have been...know those words so well...in the end you are the only person who can decide what you want to do about this situation.Pretending-know that pretty well.In the end its not worth it though in my opinions.Being true to yourself is though.

---------- Post added 19th Mar 2014 at 06:19 AM ----------

In any case,just taking a short break.The plural form of opinion convinced me to hehe.

 

It sounds like this is in part stemming from your depression. I know, for myself at least, that it can really kill your self-worth, I have trouble even saying I'm worth it most of the time when my girlfriend tries to get me to say it. I had trouble getting any work done at college to the point that my last year there I failed due to the fact I couldn't manage to get anything done even in the subjects I enjoy. Since then I had to work hard to even get back to reading books again and even then I have trouble deciding which book to pick up. I'm at the point that most games I play I have trouble to do for anywhere near how long I used to but at the moment those are the only things I can even do while waiting for my next appointment and waiting for a referral to go through for gender stuff. Just going into the centre of town causes my anxiety to go way up and I come back sweating as if I'd run it even if it's a cold day.

I know how it is for me and hope that at least some of this helps let you know you aren't alone like this.

 

Grades never had anything to do with it for me. I had straight A's and still was unhappy. Sometimes, you're going to get depressed by this whole situation; but hopefully there's someone who can help pull you out of this funk.

 

Is it really depression though?

The way I feel at the moment, I don't care about my family. I've even had thoughts of wanting to harm them and actually feeling happy about it. I have nothing to say to them any more. I have literally become another person and we share nothing in common. I don't care about my dog either. In fact the other day I almost kicked him which I would never have thought was me

I'm searching for work but all jobs apart from mechanical and engineering work gives me dysphoria because only such jobs I see as proper men's work so I'm thinking of retraining.

I'm also thinking of quitting therapy since that gives me dysphoria too. I mean it's hardly a manly thing to do to go and talk about your 'feelings'.

If this is the happiness that transition is supposed to bring then I really don't see what I have achieved because I don't feel happy. I don't feel anything, other than dysphoria so avoiding dysphoria is the closest to happy I am going to get.

 

Hi.I know too much about mental health categories (have done plenty research myself)but 1)I am not a doctor and 2)I do not want to overstep.I'm sorry.Willing to keep an open mind if you feel like talking but I do not want to overstep by giving you any ''answers''.I feel I have no right to do that so hope you understand.

---------- Post added 20th Mar 2014 at 07:20 AM ----------

That being said I am willing to offer support if life gets a bit wobbly...Hang in there.

 

Of course. I really wish I knew what was going on with me at the moment

 

Your not alone in that feeling.

---------- Post added 20th Mar 2014 at 07:30 AM ----------

My situation is completely different.But I do not know what is going on with me either.We are not alone.It feels that way but we are not.I want to help you more so badly...but I get too emotionally involved.Its just the way I am...I try to make others happy before making myself happy.I do it all the time.But somewhere along the line I get hurt.But then I am right back at trying to make others happy.Makes my issues seem less significant.I forget about them for awhile...But I cant do it anymore...I have to look after myself...

---------- Post added 20th Mar 2014 at 07:35 AM ----------

If you had to give 5 adjectives of the most predominant feelings in your life what would they be?

---------- Post added 20th Mar 2014 at 07:40 AM ----------

Throughout your life so far.Is that a hard question?

 

You dont have to answer if you do not want to.Just know that I am here for you.Support without overstepping the boundaries.

 

Thanks aspie musician. I just don't like the way I'm feeling at the moment. I have been happier in the past and I hoped that after the horror I went through coming to terms with being trans, that transitioning would put me on the right track to fixing my problems but now when I look back, I was happier before I knew I was trans. I wasn't altogether happy but I was in a better place than I am now and a better place than the best I can hope to achieve in this life.

If you want 5 adjectives, anxious, lonely and worthless would probably describe the majority of my life. And over the past couple of years, depressed and numb can be added to those.

 

Hi.''I have been happier in the past''- same.But its the past right?What about focussiong on being happy in the now?I was happier before I knew that concepts such as homosexuality,bisexuality,asexuality etc existed as well.But thats still in the past.Focus on the now.Not the potential past and the potential future.You are a beautiful person right now,even if it may not seem that way. My 5 adjectives:anxious,lonely,guilty and worthless most of my life.However there is one that I still feel at times: ''hopeful''.Depressed and numb ,know those well.Suicidal-can probably write a book about it hehe. Question is: does it get better??The answer is: yes it DOES.I WOULD KNOW.Yeah,sure,it goes through phases,but does it get better?YES.

---------- Post added 20th Mar 2014 at 09:42 AM ----------

PS Numbness often means that emotions have just become too intense to handle.But is numb always necessarily bad?

 

I suppose you're right. I was happier in the past but I didn't know I was trans then so I've got to find a way of being happier now that I do know. Thinking about the future and physically transitioning doesn't really make me happy, even though I'm unhappy with the body I have. Maybe it will come out that transition isn't right for me, as in perhaps I'm non-op. Who knows.

 

Baby steps.Complete change of topic:when last did you watch a film?

---------- Post added 20th Mar 2014 at 10:03 AM ----------

I cant really remember the last time I did to be honest....

---------- Post added 20th Mar 2014 at 10:11 AM ----------

Not saying you have to watch a film hehe and not saying its a quick fix either.Curious though...If you can remember a few can you give me some names?I'll do the same if you will...

---------- Post added 20th Mar 2014 at 10:18 AM ----------

I'll do something wickedly crazy...I will give a more blunt description of myself on the site(you by no means have to do the same)...seriously...it will provide some kind of relief either way.Are you up for that??!

 

Perhaps I am moving a bit fast...In any case think of possibly doing only one of the following(and then I should go offline).I shall attempt the same.There is a 2 week deadline if this is agreed to(this is all only suggestions though). Choose at least 1 of the following to do over a two week period: 1)Write a description of yourself that is humorous(yeah...dead serious here...it can be serious and humorous at the same time or lighthearted,or even dark 2)Watch a film (anything that takes your fancy),e.g. Tarantino films,Tim Burton films,Stanley Kubrik films(have no clue what you like) 3)Do something unexpected 4)Read at least 50 pages out of a book 6)Take a walk in nature 7)Help a friend in need 8)draw something 9)Write a poem. Thats enough options for now...So yeah is it Yay or Nay??!9 options and 1 of those achieved over a two week period.Up to you.It would be interesting to see which tasks we complete and how many.Bye for now.

---------- Post added 20th Mar 2014 at 10:40 AM ----------

Oops 8 options... lemme know if you want to give it a try.Ciao

 

This quote stood out a lot to me. I've been there, and I've had those thoughts before. I wished that I had never discovered that I was transgender, and that things would go back to the way that they were before. Then I realized that was never going to happen, and I had to learn to live with my new reality.

Now, how do you do this? Well, that's different for every person. I tried to stop thinking negativity about being transgender. When I thought something negative about being transgender, I would then try to think of something positive. Even if it is just something small, it's still something positive. It can be hard to think of things sometimes, but with time it becomes easier.

Also, from your previous posts, you seem to be playing a lot into gender stereotypes. I'm a trans* guy. I love reading, writing, music and many other things that in the eyes of society are more feminine. And you know what? There's nothing wrong with that. Liking things that society may see as feminine does not make you any less male. I know cis-men that have the hobbies of art, writing and reading as well.

 

ok aspie musician. How about in the next two weeks I will go for a run? I have just been kind of told off by my GP because I am not doing anything to help my depression...


Bradthecat - yes I am stuck in stereotype male behaviour because things that aren't at the really masculine end of the gender expression/identity spectrum give me dypshoria. This pretty much gives me unease about absolutely everything. Perhaps it's the way I've been brought up, I don't know. My parents (mum in particular) are VERY traditional when it comes to gender roles. For example, my mum struggles to use a computer because she's not very good with technology. However she says 'it's because I'm a woman, women aren't meant to be on computers, that's a man's thing.' Same with decorating. She has to do it because my dad isn't interested but sees it as a masculine thing and says 'ugh I shouldn't be doing all this manly stuff, I want to be feminine wearing nice feminine clothes!'. Is painting a room a manly thing? Of course not. Even TV adverts shows men AND women decorating together. I'm just trying to show you how gender stereotypical my mum is.

I have pretty much struggled with this my whole life because even before I knew I was trans, I didn't want to be the type of woman my mum wanted me to be. I perhaps should have realised that this meant I was trans but there's no point worrying about that now. I never wanted to be a mum, I didn't want to be a stay at home house-wife married to a man who gave me a weekly allowance in exchange for cooking his meals every day and generally cleaning up after him and I hated the way that my mum expected me to care for my appearance and dress, not for myself but for men to look at. I literally felt like nothing.

If ever I state my opinion that there is nothing wrong with a woman wanting a career and children, my mum jumps to defend her views straight away, saying that 'women who choose a career over their kids aren't proper mothers, they shouldn't have children, they aren't proper women.' Even now she can't understand the difference between a lesbian and ftm so doesn't understand my dysphoria because in her opinion, 'lesbians aren't women, they're men in women's bodies and that's what you are isn't it?' No I'm trans but I have given up trying to defend myself.

Is there any way of overcoming the stereotypes so I can just be me and not get dysphoric over my lack of masculinity?

 

Hehe.Sorry I came on a bit strong.I suppose that was partly me attempting to avoid my own issues my focusing on something else.I am going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment just like you though,so am willing to offer support.I can always modify my advice a little later and then we can come to an agreement.I would like it if we can help each other out,but do not by any means feel obligated.I care ,thats all.

---------- Post added 21st Mar 2014 at 03:13 AM ----------

oops typos.who cares...apparently I do.I will attempt to not correct myself all the time in the future.Yay!One can learn something new everyday if willing to keep on discovering.

---------- Post added 21st Mar 2014 at 03:16 AM ----------

Basically the point I was attempting to make: sometimes it is a positive to externalize things.Helps one to not fall into the trap of self-reflection.We all do it,but it can be worked on.

---------- Post added 21st Mar 2014 at 03:26 AM ----------

As for feeling numb: is it ALWAYS a bad thing?People take meds to ''numb'' the pain,people have a drink now and then to ''numb'' the pain.And is it not in fact more that previous feelings were just too intense to handle?Kind of if one cries a lot,eventually no tears want to come anymore.We all cry inside in our own way...All of us,even the people that appear ''normal''(whatever that is).To make matters even more complicated there are various ''numb'' feelings.Some we experience more positively,others more negatively.BUT...Sometimes positive turn into negatives and vice versa.All about perception.