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My case

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Chess, Mar 20, 2014.

  1. Chess

    Chess Guest

    Alright >_> Time to stop putting this off I guess. I've been stressing out for days now and the sooner I get this out the sooner I can start getting help, right?
    I don't even know where to begin. I am new to this and have no idea what is going on.
    I am biologically male, psychologically... confused. My mind is not a stable place to begin with. Diagnosed autistic, bouts of depression, insomnia, severe anxiety, claustrophobic, acrophobic, insecure about everything and I suspect I might be a bit bipolar >_> Add in that I live in a very stressful environment, am shit at communicating (due to the autism), and currently transitioning into adulthood... yeah. It's not fun. The past few weeks have been especially rough, my sleeping patterns are all out of whack, I'm barely able to eat and I'm an emotional mess. But hopefully opening up a bit might help ease some of this distress.
    So I think I might be transgender, but honestly, I don't know for certain. I mean, yeah, I would love to be female, but- Well, sometimes I think it's more of a desire and less of a need, if that makes sense >_> I hear people talking about believing they were born in the wrong body and all that, and I'm just not entirely sure I feel that way. Perhaps I'm just overthinking it. I do feel that I want to be be a woman one day. Except when I don't. But the don'ts usually come from imagining social scenarios. >_> And of course there are times I wish I could just discard gender entirely and be neither. It sucks that I look so masculine, I really really wish I were more androgynous so I could pass for either if I so chose <_<
    I'm not a psychologist (though I am starting to seriously consider studying that field, might help me work things out), but I think a lot of what I feel might have to do with a lack of positive male role models <_< I hate my father. No reservations about that. And over the years he has become a sort of anti-model for me: The pinnacle of exactly what I DON'T want to be. It's not just him either- I've gotten a negative sort of vibe from any older male. They just- make me uncomfortable, I guess. I don't have this issue with guys my age, or younger, or even older ones that I consider equals. Just that ones who are 'above' me, that ones I would normally look up to.... .-.
    One last thing, I have a slight obsession with Futanari. Not like a total obsession, I hardly look at porn of any kind ever. But when i do, it is always, without question, futanari >_> Thought that might be relevant.

    <_<
     
  2. BookDragon

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    For someone who claims to be bad at communicating, you made what could have been a really difficult post very clear (I know it's different on the internet, but still, what you've written is easy to understand and that's really hard to do for most people trying to express stuff like that).

    Anyway. I'm going to pull out some of the key points I've picked out of what you've written. Might do something with them, might not. Haven't quite decided.

    -"I would love to be female"
    -"sometimes I think it's more of a desire and less of a need"
    -"I wish I could just discard gender entirely"
    -"I were more androgynous"

    I've selected these four quotes because they relate specifically to your feelings about your gender. I'll now do a couple that relate to your feelings about the CAUSE of those feelings:

    -"lack of positive male role models"
    -"My mind is not a stable place to begin with..."

    Now you mention futanari at the bottom, but unless you are imagining yourself as the girl, I would say that isn't particularly relevant to this particular part of your brain! (Although interestingly, it does play a large role in how I got to where I am so perhaps it is important, we'll find out.)

    Anyway. The reason I pointed out the two things you said about causes is because I want you to try and imagine that those things were no longer true...admittedly that is a heck of a lot easier said than done, but we will try with the easier one.

    Can you think of ANY male you look up to and respect? Doesn't have to be someone you know personally, hell they don't even have to be real! Just think, is there anyone like that you can think of.

    If so, how would you feel if you grew up to be like them?
     
  3. Chess

    Chess Guest

    Well I was hoping for more than one reply. Did I do something wrong? <_< But whatever, I'll take what I get.

    I didn't mention it took me a week to type this up >_> It is very different on the internet, when I can rearrange and edit and make sure everything is exactly how I want it before posting. and even then... I'm not sure everything I wrote here is entirely how I would have liked it to come out. That said, I would consider myself a decent writer, and that helps a lot. It's one of my few talents (I'm okay at drawing, I drew my avatar).

    In addition, I've been agonizing over THIS post all day as well. It's not quite as well thought out as the OP <_<

    I'm not quite sure what you are trying to get at here, but okay...

    I wish i could just get on here say say "I'm trans." But I can't, because I don't know. And I do't know how to know if I know >_> Which is why I signed up in the first place, to try and figure it out. I wanted to avoid stating anything for certain, but i might have gone too far the other way and gave off a big 'I don't think I am' vibe <_<

    I've talked to MentalAccel about it some more, she suggested I might be Gender Fluid and/or Androphobic. I'm not entirely sure what gender fluid means but I'm willing to consider it. Androphobic seems to fit me though <_<

    This is a very hard question to answer <_< Very very hard.

    First of all, yeah, i do find it very difficult to imagine having a stable mind. Never had one, don't know what it's like, don't know what I'd do with it if I had one. Except that's I'd probably be more productive and spend less time whining on the internet <_<

    On to the second part... what would it be like to have positive male role models? I dunno. I kind of said already, there have been men I've gotten along with, but I've always seen them more as equals and less as mentors. Even the ones who should have been in that position, like teachers and such <_<

    When it comes to men that I do respect, well, I'd never really thought about that much. >_> I don't want to name any names, but I would think most of them I admire more for their accomplishments or their actions than who they actually are, the fact that they are male is kind of irrelevant. In the case of fictional characters, it's about what the character represents, or how well written they are. <_< And if I were like them? Honestly I don't think I would mind, as if I would not be as confused about who I am. I'm probably missing the point though. I would absolutely hate growing up to be a stereotypical 'man's man' though, and at the rate I am going that's what it looks like I'm heading towards <_< Yeah there are some manly men I do respect, but I don't think I would be very pleased to turn out that way regardless.

    The thing is, I do. >_> I do fantasize about being those girls. Something i forgot to mention and wanted to, I've always been into gender-bender stuff. Though people tended to think it was weird so it became more of a guilty please over time <_< And now this.

    >_>

    I definitely don't think I worded any of this as well as I could have, but i hope it makes sense anyway. in fact i might have to retract a couple things down the line that I didn't really mean exactly the way i said them >_> Sorry. Bleh.

    Well thanks for the reply Ellie.

    Not quite sure where to go from here.
     
  4. Kasey

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    Gender fluid means you can adapt to whatever gender you feel like presenting as. It is one category of the transgender umbrella. Maybe you feel more male than female at sometime maybe more female than male at others. People that have not basically forsaken their biological gender (sex) for the other can maybe consider themselves under this category.

    If you're purely male to female or female to male that seems to be pretty obvious which gender you prefer. Transsexuals take the full step to not only be the other gender but the opposite sex from their birth.

    People are often quick to rush to label themselves. Some are quite sure. Some of us are always questioning or don't prefer to fit into a neat and tidy narrowly defined category.

    Also don't worry about competing for insightful posts, Holly (ElliaOtaku) is an all star here on EC and gives a lot of good advice and insight, puts most of us to shame in terms of sage advice.

    P.S. I have bipolar and anxiety. Don't let that hold you down or define you.
     
    #4 Kasey, Mar 21, 2014
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2014
  5. Chess

    Chess Guest

    Thanks. It's not necessarily about competing for posts, it's just... I'm already insecure about everything else, and if something I post doesn't get much of a response I feel like I must have done something wrong :/ Plus I prefer to have a few different takes, hence the whole point of posting in the first place >_>

    So anyway... that gender fluid thing doesn't sound too bad. I still think I have a preference towards female though <_< But I won't rush to label myself like you said.

    ...well I screwed that one up. I don't know how to go back and edit posts on this forum or i would >_>

    EDIT: ...I see an edit button now, but it's only on this post and none of my others. Is there a time limit or something?
     
  6. BookDragon

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    Who knows, sometimes it's there, other times it isn't! It's all a big mystery!

    Anyway 'what I was getting at' with those four things I selected from your original post is that they are the key elements that determine HOW you see yourself.

    Specifically, even though you were assigned male at birth, every time you mentioned a feeling of gender, it's either female or somewhere in between. The point of this being that while it doesn't necessarily mean you need to DO anything, it would appear that at least part of your identity is at the very least not entirely male.

    "The thing is, I do. >_> I do fantasize about being those girls. "

    So if you will, imagine you are one of these girls. What are you imagining? Is it purely sexual?

    "I would absolutely hate growing up to be a stereotypical 'man's man'"

    What is a "man's man"? (I know what it means to ME, what does it mean to you? What does a "Man's man" do? What does he look like? how does he act?)

    I've given you a couple of questions to consider, and they are probably much easier than the one I'm about to ask so take your time with it.

    Imagine, if you can, a world with no concept of gender. Some people have vaginas and breasts, others have a penis, but that's as far as it goes. There are no 'men' and 'women', just people. Everything else about this world is the same. A person with a penis would wear a skirt and work as a mechanic (not at the same time) quite happily. Someone with a vagina could easily play professional sports. Nobody would question these things, because this world has no concept of gender. It's just people doing things.

    Now imagine you wake up in this genderless world. You get out of bed and decide how the rest of your life plays out. Consider the following:
    What do you wear?
    What job do you do?
    What are your hobbies?

    You can do or be anything in this world and nobody would ever question your gender. So what would you be?
     
  7. Kasey

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    5 minute edit window
     
  8. Kasey

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    That is quite the question to ask. Was gender defined prior to waking up? Or are you simply asking if you were not questioned for your gender choices?

    Because gender in context of how we define it now vs. what is gender without meaning are two very different subjects.

    I think your original statement refers to what would you do without any judgement of gender choices right?
     
  9. BookDragon

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    Correct. If nobody ever thought about it, and you could just choose to do anything. No judgement what-so-ever.
     
  10. Kasey

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    That would be ideal. Hopefully humanity will eventually reach a level of social evolution that this may be a reality.
     
  11. Chess

    Chess Guest

    A society with no concept of gender? Hm, interesting thought. I think I overthought that a lot and ended up reaching a bunch of conclusions that really missed the point of the question so I'm just going to take it at face value <_<

    Probably the biggest difference for me would be a larger interest in fashion >_> I usually stick with neutral colors, grey black brown and especially beige, and just sort of try to blend in. I would probably still do that most of the time, but would be just a little more likely to switch it up a bit. Depending on how judgemental people still are, even without predefined gender stereotypes people can still be complete assholes about anything... (this is what I meant about overthinking it <_<) But my get-up would be a lot more nonstandard were it to be considered normal. Might even look into a job as a designer or stylist or something <_< it is something I have a passing interest in as it stands, but would never actually consider doing. At least not in real life, I can be as creative as I want with my character designs... I never really considered it, but maybe that could have contributed to my more artistic side... Hm.
    Probably would have made different friends growing up as well. Most of the guys I knew... not the best people in all honestly, not really people I got along with much at all.
    Anything else... I don't know. I'd probably be mostly the same, there isn't much else I do just because a male is expected to. Overall I'm more invested in art and writing, creating my own little worlds and characters <_< That's basically what i do, and not something that (so far as I'm aware) is more associated with either gender.

    ....................and just another thing, something that came to me today. I hate it when my father touches me. in any way. it makes me feel... unclean. what brought this up is today he was taking up the whole hallway, and I had to squeeze past him >_> He didn't even have the courtesy to move. I basically shut down after just brushing against him. Sometimes (thankfully not often) he'll put his hand of my shoulder or back or whatever for no real reason and I'll kind of have a mini panic attack right then and there <_< I hate it. Could this be a sign of androphobia? >_> Or maybe I just hate him THAT much. I don't know. Otherwise I can be a very touchy-feely person. I always hug my mother, sometimes even my friends.
     
  12. BookDragon

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    " I think I overthought that a lot and ended up reaching a bunch of conclusions that really missed the point of the question"

    Thing is those questions don't really HAVE much of a point, or at least, not one you need to be worrying about. The reason I ask them is to get you to think about the things you WANT and the things that prevent you from having them. It's aimed at being as vague as possible so your answers can be anything,

    Ideally, if you are questioning your gender, you need to think of things with gender removed. When we start to think of the things we want as just little changes that we would like to happen and completely remove gender from it, we get rid of some of these little fears that we really shouldn't have (obviously that works better for some things than others).

    So you said you would be interested in a job as a designer or a stylist...so why not do that?


    As for your dad...umm...not quite sure how to ask this...is there...you know...a reason you don't like HIM touching you?
     
  13. Vince

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    I have Asperger's so I understand what you mean completely. Communicating your needs is more difficult that it is for neurotypical people right? Most if my problem's get solved by my stubborn Girlfriend prying because I don't know what I'm doing sometimes.

    Expressing gender identity can be hard in your shoes but I think it'll help if you try. Really hard to present what you want to be in a physical manifestation and see if it fits. You have to want everything about the gender. If you're nervous try and do it when you're alone for a while. Express yourself completely the way you imagine yourself should be.

    Lastly you need a better reason to present than a missing father. Don't change your gender expression for the wrong reasons. You should only do it if it truly makes you happier and realize that it's not an easy road.

    Still maybe being on the spectrum it would help for you to exorcize your self expression either way. Then if you decide you aren't trans you can happily move on with your life.
     
  14. Chess

    Chess Guest

    I've never been molested, if that's what you are asking <_< Though i admit I made it sound that way. I don't know, I just can't stand being touched by him. Or touching things that he has touched previously. And it's just him, don't have that issue with anyone else.
    <_< I probably have even more issues than even I am aware of.

    Mostly because A: Terrible people skills and B: at this point I've invested so much time into art and writing I couldn't imagine doing anything else <_< Maybe in another life, but I don't think I could do it in this one.

    Exactly >_>

    I... can certainly try that. I wouldn't know how though. At least not without seeming suspicious. Maybe when I finally move out.... but that might be a while <_<

    I may have made a mistake by even bringing my father into this >_> I didn't mean to say it was the only reason why I felt this way. i just meant... it probably had at least a little influence.
    (Also, he's not missing. I wish. It would be so nice to not have to put up with him >_>)
    In general though, I think I've always felt more feminine. I'm not saying my father being an asshole caused me to feel that way, but rather, kind of upset the issue and made me even more confused and anguished than I would have otherwise. IDK. >_> I'm not sure what I think anymore.
    Though it's likely I'm not 100% trans. I don't know what that would make me though.
    ....bleh. I need time to think this all over <_<
     
  15. BookDragon

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    When all is said and done, the only things that matter are your feelings.

    Honestly it doesn't matter WHY you feel a certain way, the point is you do. The only thing we want to be sure of is that anything you decide to do is going to make YOU feel better INSIDE.

    That's what it's about. Making YOU feel like YOU. Ignoring everybody else's opinions. Just making you feel comfortable as a person.
     
  16. Kasey

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    Take your time, like we said, don't worry. Self discovery takes a lot of effort.
     
  17. Chess

    Chess Guest

    Well... the past couple of days I've been doing my hair a lot more feminine...ly in the mornings. I put it right back <_< But for that brief moment I think it looks really nice.

    I think I have a pretty enough face (not to toot my own horn ^^) but my nose is too large. Too wide. Don't get me wrong, I think that women with large noses can be very attractive. But it's the noses that stick out a lot, not the noses that look smashed into one's face <_< If you know what I mean.
    ......no offense to anyone who does look this way <_< Bleh. Foot in mouth.

    In addition I need to lose a LOT of weight. Just in general. And my voice is very deep. And I'm just large overall. And hairy. I don't like the hair, I'm probably gonna buy one of those no-no things and get rid of it all. All of it. >:c
    I'm basically Hagrid >_> I'm going to have a hard time passing.

    ...I'm still not certain about where I am going but I am starting to feel more comfortable with being feminine in general. >_>

    Also,

    I've been turning this over in my head. I don't know exactly what you meant, but it seems to go against a lot of the other advice I've seen. That I don't HAVE to be 100% female but could float somewhere in between if I want >_> Which i might. But I could just be misunderstanding what you mean.

    ...sorry if this post didn't have much purpose, I just had a lot on my mind that i felt like sharing.
     
    #17 Chess, Mar 26, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 26, 2014
  18. BookDragon

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    "In addition I need to lose a LOT of weight. Just in general. And my voice is very deep. And I'm just large overall. And hairy. I don't like the hair, I'm probably gonna buy one of those no-no things and get rid of it all. All of it. >:c
    I'm basically Hagrid >_> I'm going to have a hard time passing."

    Welcome to my world! :slight_smile:

    It sucks now, but you'll get there. Promise.
     
  19. Miiaaaaa

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    I'm semi-there with you sisters.

    I'm a petite Hagrid. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  20. Kasey

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    You're all lovely don't let anyone tell you otherwise.