1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Maybe I just can't do it?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Tetra, Mar 21, 2014.

  1. Tetra

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2014
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada
    I've been thinking non-stop about the whole transitioning deal, and I just can't seem to settle my mind. I often think of my future, and what it will look like. Will I be a female? I don't WANT to be one, but I don't know if I can handle dealing with people not understanding my decision, and judging me if I ever DID transition to a man. I feel like I'll lose friends and family. Is it worth that? Is it worth all the pain? I desperately WANT to be a guy. Sometimes, when thinking about periods and my chest, and shit like that, my mind kind of jumps to the idea "it isn't permanent" as if, in some part of my brain, I've already DECIDED that I'm going to transition. However, I don't want to be "that guy who was a girl" forever. I just want to be normal.

    I also find lately that I stay awake for at least 20 minutes before sleeping, just lying in bed, wondering why the hell I couldn't have just received the correct chromosomes. I'm constantly jealous of practically every male that I see, and it's just not goddamn fair. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin, and avoid contact with people (i.e. my sibling's parents) because they'll say something like "oh, I thought Annie (sister) had a sister, not an older brother", in which someone will correct them and I'll remain in a state of awkwardness for a good half hour.

    Imagining a relationship, I couldn't imagine me being a FEMALE during intimacy, like my chest doesn't feel part of me. This whole thought of me possibly being trans* started a year ago as a far-off idea, but now it's something I can't stop thinking about. However, I don't want to take the risks. I don't want to risk regretting my decision to transition later in life. I worry no one will love me because I'm trans*, and that I'll lose so many friends, who won't be able to handle my transition. I worry about never "truly" being a man, because my chromosomes don't match up, and I wasn't born with the proper plumbing, and I worry that despite all of my efforts, all I'll ever be is a screw up.

    I can't bring it up with my mom, because I just don't have the guts right now. I can't worry her even more than she already is. I don't want to push this shit on her. Does anyone who has been in my position know if maybe I'll be able to settle and just live with being a masculine female? Will I be able to become comfortable with myself, or does it just get worse with time? I don't know what to do, and this is on my mind nearly every hour of the day…
     
  2. Sasha Braus

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2014
    Messages:
    65
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Vancouver, Canada
    Gender:
    Androgyne
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    For starters, you're always worth it. If it means feeling comfortable in your own skin and looking how you want to look, then it's worth it. You're not female, and you don't want to look as if you are, correct? If you truly wish to transition, then I say go for it. Risks are everywhere, and I say there are always people out there who pass judgments regardless of what you do. Might as well let them judge as they please while you're confident and happy in your skin.

    As for your family and friends, I honestly don't think there would be no one who would support you. Also, you'd make new friends after transitioning, no? I'm always making friends through different stages in my life. I don't know if I should be one to talk, because I can't talk about my sexuality and identity to my mom, but I kind of think that's okay for now. I don't have to be ready right this very moment, and neither do you. Maybe take some time to yourself before coming out and become comfortable with the idea of it all. I dunno, maybe it'd make you less nervous coming out? Lots of luck to you, and hopefully you come to some form of conclusion.
     
  3. BookDragon

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2013
    Messages:
    4,605
    Likes Received:
    12
    Location:
    Cambridge, UK
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm pretty sure EVERYONE has been in your position Tetra, so please don't feel alone, everything you've listed here are fears that we've all dealt with and we all recognize as being some of the most awful things to experience.

    Before I write anything else in this response I want to make one thing clear. I will make no assumptions about 'transition'. As far as I am concerned in this post you are not 'transitioning'. When you read this post I would like you to think of any actions you take as just being simple changes to your life. These changes are not gendered, they are not part of a transition, they have nothing to do with anybody else, they are merely things that you are doing to improve your quality of life. I'll give you an example.

    Let's say we have a random cis-guy with long, untidy hair. He never has it cut so it's full of split ends. He rarely washes it so it doesn't shine, it looks dry and sometimes it smells a bit. This guy is going to go get a haircut, trim it right down, and start again from scratch, but take care of it this time.

    That change had nothing to do with gender. He didn't cut his hair to seem more masculine, he did it because he wanted to have nicer hair, to make him feel better about himself. You see?


    Let's start with this:

    "I feel like I'll lose friends and family. Is it worth that? Is it worth all the pain?"

    The only person who can answer this question is you, however I do have some input that you can choose to ignore as I am generally considered to have rather an odd view on the subject.

    Family, as far as I'm concerned, means almost nothing. I see no reason why I should feel close to someone just because I have some vague form of social bond to them. I don't see any reason for an inherent closeness to people I am related to. This is, as I say, usually considered to be a strange view of family, however it should be explained in my next couple of paragraphs. I treat family the way I treat everybody else in this world.

    My friends are the most important people in the world to me. I have 4 best friends, all of whom I would give my life for without question and without hesitation. I have known them for between 10 and 15 years. These people mean so much to me because I know that while I am still moral I have their love and support. There is nothing immoral about being trans so I know they still love me. There is nothing immoral about being pansexual so I know they still love me. If I killed someone, I know they would struggle and possibly turn, and it is their right to do so, because I acted immorally. I consider myself to have the best friends it is possible to have.

    However, to get to that point, these 4 have had over a decade of constant means-testing. I know I have 4 true friends because we have all constantly been tested over the years. We've all had problems, we've talked about them and been there for each other. I won't bore you with details but needless to say my 4 best friends remain my best friends because time and time again they have proved that they are worth it.

    Which leads me to everyone else in the world. Don't get me wrong, I do LIKE other people. I have a handful of other friends, I have family, family friends. I know lots of people and I get on well with them. However, if they did not accept me for who I am while I am still moral, then I will cut them from my life, because ultimately, I have not done wrong. I have no desire to be 'tolerated' in other peoples company. If I want other peoples company I want to be part of it, not just around it. This is the problem with family as I see it. They have raised me and/or I have grown up around them, however with one or two exceptions they have failed to accept me at times. It does hurt, I won't lie, because these people are SUPPOSED to love you, however, if it becomes clear that they don't or can't, personally I don't see why I would waste the energy.

    As I said, my view is not shared by many so please don't take it as anything you HAVE to listen to, it merely state it as an opinion. Feel free to ignore everything I just said above.

    "Does anyone who has been in my position know if maybe I'll be able to settle and just live with being a masculine female?"

    The problem with this question is that again, nobody can answer it. For some people, living as a masculine female is enough, or is exactly what they wanted. For others it isn't. I know personally I could never live as a feminine male for example.

    The thing is, it's not something you HAVE to choose, and it's not something you have to do quickly. The best way to find out if you can live as a masculine female is to do just that. Do the things that feel comfortable to you, the things that you can do on your own. You don't need to tell anyone why and you don't need to come out, just experiment and see how you feel.

    It may be that after a while of being a bit more masculine you realise you are perfectly content. It might be that you realise it isn't enough. But the only way to find out is to do the things you think will make you feel comfortable.

    Take your time with this, you aren't going anywhere.
     
  4. paris

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 4, 2013
    Messages:
    813
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Bohemia, CZ
    Gender:
    Androgyne
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi Tetra, I'm not trans but I'm non-binary and do agree with what Holly said about thinking of any actions you take as just being simple changes to your life and doing things that feel comfortable to you.
    It's exactly what's working for me. I stopped thinking in gender terms, my goal is not to become more women or to become more man, I just do what makes me comfortable.
    When I go clothes shopping I buy clothes that I like and feel good in them. Well, they are mostly from the men's department but who cares?! I tried to grow my hair longer but it just wasn't working for me so I keep a very short haircut. I shave my armpits but not my legs even though they are more hairy than of an average man. I tried to shave them a few times but I felt vulnerable, almost like being naked. Sure, there might be people who'd judge me for that but I learned not to care.
    And who says you have to be a female during intimacy? Even though I'm the one with vagina I don't feel like female during sex with my BF and naturally avoid some positions and activities. I don't say it's perfect but it's not bad and it's working.
    What I want to say is just try to make one step at a time and see what's working for you. Maybe it'll be enough for you to live as a masculine female, maybe not and you'll decide to transition... I believe that over time you'll know what is right for you.:icon_bigg
     
    #4 paris, Mar 22, 2014
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2014
  5. Jean

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2014
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    First off, I think that your lack of comfort with being a masculine female now means that you probably won't be comfortable with being one later in life. Of course, that's all up to you and the changes you make in your life, but if you feel discomfort now, forcing yourself to be comfortable with it probably isn't the way to go. I know when I was struggling with my sexuality, I kept telling myself that I would just have to deal with being straight, although I obviously wasn't. After more exploration, I found a label that fit and I've been loads happier when I think about my sexuality. But while I was still convincing myself that I was straight, my face would constantly get hot and it got to the point where I would literally have to go to the bathroom and splash water on my face to knock myself out of it.

    At work, I actually have sort of the same experience. I work at a relatively rural shop that sells farm supplies, and I stand at the cash register because right now my arm is hurt and I can't do any heavy lifting. Recently, I've been presenting as male more and more, but my nametag is unfortunately written in permanent marker on my vest and I can't do anything to change it yet. Not to mention that would require coming out to the entire store. I've actually found that when confused about my gender (my face is shaped in a very feminine way and I have incredibly full lips) people will read my nametag more and more. I heard my birth name spoken by customers more times in the past week when I've been presenting as male as I heard it in the previous months that I've been working. However when my nametag is unreadable, many people will assume that I'm male, or will say "the cashier" as opposed to "this young lady" or something of the sort. It was one of the things that's started to make me question my gender, and I think your happiness with being called male means that you might not really want to be a masculine female, you might actually be male. But of course, you're the only one who can decide that for sure.

    One of the things that I've heard the most is that when it comes to coming out, friends first is usually the way to go. Because I haven't come out yet myself, I don't really know if it's right or not. My connection with my family hasn't been incredibly close, and although they're very accepting (I actually got my dad to sign that nonbinary recognition petition, and although there weren't enough signatures I was glad that he was willing to sign it) I think that I'll need someone to fall back on who isn't at home before I tell my family. You also might want to come out in steps, your presentation as more masculine already seems to have been done, but maybe next is telling your parents that you'd like to go and see a gender therapist (I've seen a few trans people online do this and I think it's actually my next step as well).

    As for the permanency of medical transition, I've been having the same doubts. I actually watched a few videos where trans guys talked about when they felt they were ready for T or surgery and the like, and the general consensus was that there wasn't a defining factor that made them know they wanted it, but that it was a big decision and that no matter how eager you were it took a lot of bravery. Maybe try and see if you find yourself being jealous of guys who've made the next step, and then think about what that envy might mean or translate to.

    Your situation really does seem a lot like mine. One of the great things about this site, I think, is that although my experience or your experience or anyone else's may feel completely individual and like there's nobody who understands, seeing all these posts just shows that you're not alone. :slight_smile:
     
  6. Tetra

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2014
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada
    Thanks guys, I really appreciate the support for all of this. I've never been someone that talks about their feelings, because for some reason I feel like Im showing all my weaknesses (especially when crying). Like, things that have gone on when I was younger, I've held in until it was no longer bearable. Someone else had to notice for me to finally admit anything to them. I feel like it's kind of what's going on here. I'll just think about it to myself, and show all the outward signs of questioning my gender, but I don't think that this time anyone's going to come up and say "hey, are you questioning your gender?". I don't know if that makes any sense, but it's the best I could describe it, haha.

    If there was some way that I could get in touch with a gender therapist without my parents knowing, I'd definitely jump on that opportunity. I've been to therapy before, but quickly retreated from going, because "no one else has to go to therapy" (I've said this at least 100 times, because for some reason I have this undying need to be "normal", whatever that even is).

    I know that this is a decision I need to make for myself, but that's exactly the kind of thing I've never been good with. While choosing my university courses a couple years back, I basically worried and stressed every day of the semester. I didn't know what I wanted to do, and didn't know what I even wanted to be. I wasn't sure about anything. Although people were telling me that it would all work out in the end, and that I'd find something I'd enjoy, I wouldn't believe them. I wasn't able to make a serious decision about my life, and often wished that it would just be decided for me. Exact same situation in this part of my life.

    It feels so much better knowing that other people are/were where I am. I've never been good at dealing with judgement, and although I say that I don't care what other people think, it would hurt if people looked at me and judged me for the decisions I've made, and that's one of the major things that I worry about, and one of the main reasons I've held off telling any family/friends for so long.

    As a note, Holly, I 100% agree with family just being people who were kind of assigned at birth, and don't really have any real connection. A lot of my family never even calls, and I don't have contact with them. The thing about my friends is, I have 2 sets. Both sets seem to dislike each other. One set has a few gay people, and seem pretty open about differences, while the other enjoys judging other people behind their back. I assume they judge me, too. Just a couple days ago a girl who my friend had just met was about to be introduced to me. My friend told her (obviously) that I was a girl. I came over, and we chatted a little. She had a really weird face on when I introduced myself, and later I heard that she was talking about (when I left) that she "couldn't believe I was a girl". That's kind of embarrassing, as I think it put my friend in an awkward position. These are the kinds of things that I deal with, and hate, about being in this situation.