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Gender Confusion

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Jean, Mar 21, 2014.

  1. Jean

    Regular Member

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    Recently I've started questioning my gender identity. I'd done it when I was younger (preschool/kindergarten), trying to change my name quite a few times, but I stopped feeling discomfort with my situation up until a few months ago. With growing realization that my gender didn't have to be the one I was designated at birth as, I started thinking more and more about if i was actually a girl.

    After a lot of thought, I think I've been able to determine that I'm not a girl, at least not all the time. The thing is that I can't determine what I've internalized as female traits and what I actually am. Sometimes I feel male, to the point where if I'm called a girl or addressed by my birth name or female pronouns I'll physically cringe. I'm not out yet, mainly due to the reason that when I come out, I want to be able to tell people something about my gender, but I don't know what to tell them yet. Once I've identified my discomfort with being referred to as female and by my birth name, the only pronouns that I think I am comfortable with are male and genderless (they/them).

    A few days ago I went out and bought some mens clothes. Trying them on I practically couldn't stop smiling, but when I went to school wearing them I was so afraid of what people might think that at the beginning of the day I was shaking. I've stopped using gendered bathrooms at school, which poses a problem because the only neutral bathrooms are at the other end of the building from where I usually am. But I don't feel comfortable in the female bathroom anymore and I don't even know how I would start using the men's room (or if I want to). I also went online and bought myself a binder, I'm excited for it to come because this sports bra is getting a little tiring, but I'm also worried about what my parents will do if they find out about it. The reason why I'm so worried is because if they ask, I won't know what to tell them.

    I've thought I might be genderfluid, but I never feel female and when I feel male I feel incredibly male, to the point where I don't want to be referred to as anything else. When I feel male, I think I might just be a trans guy, and I don't know if the only thing that's stopping me from feeling like this is just being afraid of what might happen.

    This post was all over the place, sorry. I'm just wondering if anyone's been through the same thing or could have some suggestions as to what they think my gender is. I know I'm the only one in the end who can really say what it is, but advice from someone who's been through it would be great to hear in helping me decide. I already asked my therapist, but she's not a gender therapist and hasn't dealt with trans patients in the past. There's a gender therapist in the next town over, do you think that I should send her an email and get her opinion as well?

    Thanks for the help, I could really use it.
     
  2. Tetra

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    Wow, I'm in the EXACT same boat as you. It's almost like I wrote this whole thing myself. I go to a university with thousands of students, and only ONE gender neutral bathroom, so I typically just hold it until I get home at the end of the day. If you can e-mail a gender therapist, then DEFINITELY do that. Get the ball rolling, y'know? At least that way you can relieve some of your feelings via e-mail (which takes away some of the stress).

    I can completely relate to your parents finding out. My mom is fine (it seems) with me dressing masculine (have all my life). However, if she found anything questionable (binder or anything), then I'd just be dumfounded. I don't know if either of us are ready to let people know, in fear of consequences.

    This may not have been that helpful, but if anything, know that I'm in the same position as you, and if you ever need to chat, just send me a message!
     
  3. Jean

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    Yeah, I sort of ordered the binder really late at night and I wasn't thinking properly because I just couldn't stand it anymore I guess. I had just gotten back from the movies where I'd had to use the womens bathroom and I sort of felt like I was going to throw up.

    I do want to email the gender therapist, and I think my parents will be okay with me going to do that, although with school and work and my other therapist I have no idea when I'll actually be able to go, but I should be able to work something out. Hopefully. I think my parents know that something is up, given the new clothes I've been buying and the fact that I pretty much haven't worn a normal bra in a few weeks.

    I'm going out tomorrow to the movies with friends, and because one of them just came out as gay, I think he might be understanding. I've already told them I want to be called a different name texting and online, but I think that when I'm not at school and am in public, the next step is trying to see how being male feels in real life, as opposed to just online.

    Thankfully, the binder I bought (link) isn't clip up or velcro, and it looks like a sports bra unless you try to stretch it. So unless my parents look up who sent the package, I should be fine.

    It's good to know that someone is in the same boat, though, if you want to talk too I'll extend the same offer. Something tells me I'll be on this site more and more as I start to figure myself out.
     
  4. Tetra

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    Yeah, that's a pretty inconspicuous binder! I don't even bother wearing one, since my chest is small. I know what you mean about feeling sick going into women's bathrooms. Back in my first year, I remember I went in the girl's washroom, and constantly felt like people were looking at me, wondering why I was in there (short hair, male clothing, small chest). I rushed in and rushed out all the time, until I figured that it wasn't even worth it anymore.

    Still living with my parents, I've heard my mom make slander remarks against trans* people in general, which pushed me even further into the closet. I'm not even out about being gay yet, because my life is pretty hectic and confusing anyways, so the last thing I want to do is throw gas on the fire.

    I can relate to the whole idea of not really thinking about gender identity until recently. Funnily enough I posted a thread just a few minutes before this one was posted, talking about the same thing. I just kind of assumed I've always been a really masculine female, up until the last year or so. It's gotten to the point where being called a "sister" or "daughter" or even female pronouns, makes me feel weird and upset.

    As for living male in public, it kind of happened by accident to me. I worked at a store over the summer, and did a lot of garden work. I'd often be wearing a coat and stuff, and was constantly called "sir". It felt pretty amazing. Sometimes, when they'd read my name tag, they'd realize and say shit like "what do they have a girl doing all this lifting out here for?!". Nothing pissed me off more than that. I loved doing the work, and I loved being perceived as male. I feel like you would as well.