Time to sort things out

Hey, new to the forums. I've lurked around a bit looking at all the different situations people are in to see if I could possibly gain insight on my own situation. And although very informative, I still don't really know how to handle my own situation.

I am biologically male. I really don't have too many qualms about being male specifically, i.e. I am not appalled by or necessarily dysphoric about my genitalia. However it's not that simple. For as long as I can remember I've had a penchant for cross-dressing. I don't go like all out, but I'd like sneak a bra or dress on if no one was home. Now this didn't happen very often and I didn't give it too much thought until about a year ago.

I never really considered the possibility that I could be female, but lately that's all I've been thinking about. I did discover transsexual porn, which does concern me, because it says that what I could be feeling is more towards transvestic fetishism. A part of me wants to believe I'm transgender for the sake of not being labeled a cross-dressing pervert, and I guess that in a way could be affecting my objectivity when thinking about the whole thing. But it does go deeper than that. I have similar interests to many females, I have overall just been envious of females. But like I said, I don't exactly have a problem being a guy. I like guy stuff to, always have. This lead me to believe I was bigender for a little while (that's pretty much where I stand now). I figured I'd just cross-dress when I felt like it, it just wouldn't be called that (because the term cross-dressing bugs me, and it wouldn't be "cross" if I'm considered both), and it wouldn't be an act of perversion, simply expressing another side of me.

However, given the chance to ditch all that and be a girl, I'd do it with no hesitation. I guess I'm lucky because I have a somewhat petite figure and I think I'd be able to pass. But the whole process scares me. Obviously there's all the social problems. Literally no body knows any of this is going on inside my head, so it'd be awkward conversation after conversation. Coupled with the fact that I can't even talk to girls as a straight male, discussing even more difficult topics would be almost impossible. I don't think I'd be met with rejection, I grew up in a pretty literal family and area. But I think most people wouldn't believe me, understand me, or would just be initially pissed off/disappointed that I'm making such a life-altering change, and I really don't want to go through that.

Another fear I have, which is completely irrational, is the thought of admitting I liked men. As of now, I'm a straight man. No bicurious thoughts or anything. But I think as a woman, I'd be more or less bisexual, if not straight. Something about being in feminine mode sparks a change. I wouldn't consider doing anything with a guy as a guy, but I'd be more open to it as a female. Most people now can't really wrap their heads around the idea of switching genders, let alone sexuality. I'm not homophobic, obviously, but the idea of admitting that I could be interested in men is, for some reason, scarier than coming out at trans. Not to mention a common reaction to people claiming they're transgender is "oh they're just covering up for being gay," which is obviously not the case.

That's really all I have. It's just been getting progressively worse. I think about it everyday, lay awake at night, and it makes me sad that I have no opportunities to cross-dress in the near future, much less go through a whole transition. From certain standpoints, it's a mild disturbance, I'm not freaking out over anything, but it is something that is large enough to probe my mind day and night. And I've told zero people, that includes not talking to a therapist or counselor. I might be able to get free counseling, but I'm not sure if they deal with topics like this (it's a free clinic sort of deal). Plus I'm not sure if they'd say what I'd want to hear or not.

Anyways, if you've made it this far, I thank you for sticking with me. I guess what I'm asking you guys is to give me your thoughts on my situation. I realize a lot of you would probably say to seek external help, but that's what I'm trying to do right now. Most therapists, to my knowledge, don't personally go through this. But a lot of people here have, and I just want their input on this jumbled mess inside my head.

You don't have to address everything, I just wanted to give the most accurate context. Any feedback is highly appreciated.

Thanks!

 

Thanks, 1. essentially explains why I chose this type of forum to I guess "open up" to. As for the second part, I guess I'm not in a rush. But the more I wait (with no progress), the more I feel the days getting slightly longer. I know if I took action (and received positive support) then I'd be much happier than I currently am.

 

Yeah I'm thinking about talking to someone. At the moment, I'm not quite sure of my options, like I said, there's free counseling available, but I don't know much about it, whether it's like casual or in-depth. And something like paid I don't think I'd be able to do.