Feminine FTM, or Genderfluid, or Something Else Entirely?

So, I thought I was possibly trans when I started questioning literally the first week of January. I'm still questioning now (and I think I am trans, but I won't be sure until I have the money to really experiment, thank god I have an interview on Thursday (!) ), but I suppose I had some questions about stuff.

I refer to myself as male in my head, and have had instances in my sociology class (and at other times) wherein I have nearly done things the males were supposed to be doing when we were conducting experiments, for example, etc. etc. Today I went with my friend to watch her do synchro swim practice, and then she dragged me into the locker room so she could talk to me while she was showering. This was normal in her eyes I think, because we were on the high school swim team together, but I felt soooooo uncomfortable in the girls locker room. I felt like a massive pervert surrounded by all the naked girls in the locker room, and I pretty much ended up staring at my feet the whole time. I want to have a male body so bad sometimes I want to cry, and I thought this meant that I wanted everything male, but today I had an epiphany.

I had to run out to grab something at the store, and rather than put socks on and my regular fairly masculine shoes, I grabbed a pair of very feminine flats that I haven't worn in months due to weather, and me questioning (and because I lost them). Anyway, I actually enjoyed wearing them, and loved how they looked, but at the same time I still felt something was off, because...I don't know, I guess I was thinking "It's the wrong body, but these shoes are fantastic anyway!" So then I started thinking, and I realized that I don't necessarily want to give up being feminine to be male.

I love those flats, and I have some smokin' heels that I don't want to give up either. I have feminine clothing that I love, and things that I want to continue wearing, BUT the problem is they make me look female. I want to be MALE and wear feminine stuff.

I read a book about all kinds of people who identify as all sorts of things called "Beyond Magenta" and it was fantastic! One of the people in the book was born female, transitioned to male sort of, and half identified as gender fluid. His story was very different, but he pretty much described what I discovered today; I would LOVE to wear feminine clothing if I had a male body. I would keep shaving my legs, and I would wear tight clothing and show my body off, if it was MALE. I don't want the equipment I have now, and it makes me really sad when I think about the body that I do have.

Basically, I wanted to know if anyone else had the same thoughts/feelings, and how they dealt with them, because I feel a little lost at the moment.

 

Yeah, I think I would probably crossdress. There are some things that I love that are really feminine, and some things that I really don't like. I really don't want to be KNOWN as a female, but to dress feminine and take advantage of feminine things that I like would be fine. And a question please! I don't...well I mean... hmmmmm. Gender expression, what exactly is that? I'm still knew to all this, and just now really understanding that gender is a MASSIVE spectrum of a lot of stuff. I'm kind of out of the loop on everything else.

 

Okay, that's pretty cool! Thank you all so much, I appreciate your help!!