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Post-Coming Out

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by JacobZ, Mar 24, 2014.

  1. JacobZ

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    I came out a month ago or so to my mother and she keeps thinking it's a "phase". She has asked me where did I get "that idea" and told me that I didn't play soccer with boys when I was little or did any "boy hobbies" (which by the way isn't true) so she doesn't really understand why I don't feel like a girl.
    She has also tried to remind me more frequently that I'm a girl. For example, the other day when I came out of the bathroom (after taking a shower) she asked me if I had removed the hair from the underarm and I told her I had forgot. She got really angry and told me something like:
    -"You're a girl. Girls have to shave their legs and underarms. If you were a boy it'll be fine, but you're not. You're a girl and that'll never change."

    Has anyone had any family member like my mother? How were they able to deal with it?
     
  2. CharlieHK

    CharlieHK Guest

    Start by not answering those questions. It's none of her business how much body hair you do or don't have.
     
  3. suninthesky

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    A month isn't too much time. You are on the receiving end of your mother's reaction to the situation. She is probably feeling a whole range of emotions right now:

    Upset: She wants the best for you, and you being you gets in the way of her idea of what's best. She probably doesn't realize yet that you'll be able to have an even more fulfilling life than if you didn't come out. She probably doesn't realize that the way she's acting is hurting you because in her eyes, she is trying to make life easier for you in the long run.

    Worried: When you come out, it's not just you. You mom has to come out too, and she doesn't know how her friends and family will react any more than you know how some people are going to react. The human response to this is to avoid dealing with it by denying the fact that you are transgender. If it's not true, then she doesn't have to deal with the family/friends, the idea of transition, and all of the "what if's."

    Relieved: Believe it or not, she's probably feeling relieved that you trusted her enough to come out to her. It might not feel like it now, but in the long run it definitely could make your relationship better. She might also be feeling relieved to understand any behavior that she might have seen as different.

    Hurt: Even you though she's feeling like you trust her for opening up to her, she might also be feeling hurt that you didn't say something sooner. She's your mom and is supposed to know everything about you, stuff other people wouldn't know.

    Those are just a few. I hope you can see how overwhelming it can be for one person.

    What she is experiencing right now is denial. The good news? It's temporary. It won't last forever and she will come around. The bad news? It's indeterminate. No one, even her, knows how long she'll think that way.

    So how do you deal with it? You start by trying to understand her emotions, and why she thinks the way she does. This can be hard when you're going through so much at the same time, but understanding her will help her understand you. It takes time for her to process. You probably didn't come to a healthy place in a month, or even two, and she won't either. You can give her time, keep the conversation going, connect her to resources, and find people for her to relate to and confide in.

    In the meantime, surround yourself with people that can support you while your mother works through things. You've done well by talking to us here, and you should keep that going. Don't be afraid to keep reaching out. Keep us updated :slight_smile:
     
  4. JacobZ

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    I know, but she seems to forget sometimes. My sister usually makes fun of me because of the amount of body hair I have in my legs.

    Thanks, you really were of help :slight_smile:

    Unfortunately, in the country where I live there is no LGBT support group and all of my friends (by the way, I only have two "friends") are homophobic and transphobic... And the only blood relatives I have are my parents and my sister (my aunt and all of my grandparents died when I was eight) so I don't have really a "support group". Also, in my country there are no gender therapists.

    I may as well say that I still have to come out to my father (I guess this can be harder...?). He usually addresses me like his son in an indirect way(yes, he wanted a boy) so I think that maybe he will make himself responsible for me being transgender?
     
  5. Ettina

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    She's wrong. I'm a girl and I don't shave.
     
  6. lucina

    lucina Guest

    Holy shit, my dad did the exact same thing earlier. So did my mom. I came out to them, and they stressed the fact that I was their 'son'.
     
  7. drwinchester

    drwinchester Guest

    If I didn't know any better, I'd say we were related. My mom is the same way and even about six months later (it was back in September, math's probably a bit off) she's still spilling the same spiel. "oh you were so girly as a kid. oh you wore dresses and I painted flowers on your wall. I don't want a son, I want a daughter. You're just autistic/depressed/it's because of your biological father leaving you, and you're going to make your sisters hate their breasts and want penises too. No normal person feels like this. There's usually something wrong with them."

    Yeah. I'm afraid I don't have any first hand advice but wanted to say, you're not alone.

    How old are you and are you almost a legal adult where you live? Should she not come around (and chances may be good that she'll come around in time, if she's an otherwise reasonable person), I'd recommend doing what you can to be less dependent on her.

    Best of luck, mate.
     
  8. Calix

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    This sounds familiar. Ever since coming out to my parents it seems they take any and every opportunity to remind me of my physical gender. My mum even went as far as to buy a little book of quotes on mothers & daughters ¬.¬ She claimed she ordered it ages, I really don't believe her.
    My dad's more confusing, most times it seems like he'll never be okay with it. And then he says stuff like "You have to do what's right for you." So I think he's coming around slowly. He also makes a lot of side-comments and jokes though, but that's just something he's always done - doesn't make it any less pleasant.
     
  9. Straw_berry

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    Location:
    In the lonely plains of Colorado Nyu~
    This seems to happen quite often, a parent won't accept that their child is Transgender and tries to think that this is either a phase or tries make some wild claim that their child has a disorder that's causing indecision Nyu~

    Truth be told though, it is they who are scared of what other people will think if their son/daughter is transgender Nyu~ You are you, and your parents can't change who you are Nyu~
     
  10. Nick07

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    This is a really thoughtful post.
     
  11. JacobZ

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    I'm 15 (unluckily not 16 until next year). I'm going to move and live on my own next year in September-October and finish high school that same year. Meanwhile I'll just have to wait...? I'm planing to get a "male" short hair cut in November or so... I suppose there isn't much more I can do for the time being.

    My mother was to buy me dresses and wants to make me use a bra -.- It's really frustrating. But then she says "You have to do what's right for you"(same as your dad) and forgets about it all for a few days...

    Completely agree.