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I came out to my parents as ftm but they act exactly the same as they did before

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Theboythat, Mar 28, 2014.

  1. Theboythat

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    So I've recently come out to my parents as a transguy, and I told them my preferred name but they still treat me the same as before. They call me by my birth-name and say I'm their daughter. I feel kind of uncomfortable correcting them because it will probably end up in an argument about how I'm just being silly and I can't actually be a boy because I didn't know when I was 5 years old, but I hate it when they treat me like this.
     
  2. Keelin

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    If you want them to treat you how you want to be treated, then correcting them is worth it. Despite the fact that correcting them may feel awkward, you probably need to do it anyway. Letting it slide will make the think that was only a short-lived phase that you've grown out of.
     
  3. Tetra

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    I 100% agree with Keelin. Despite it being awkward, it's something you definitely need to do. Don't even answer them when they refer to you with female pronouns. It may seem childish, but if this is something that you need, then they can't deny you it. Once they realize that this is something that you're serious about, they'll have no choice but to accept it.
     
  4. earthlvr510

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    I totally agree with what Tetra and Keelin are saying, correct them. It sounds like classic denial to me, which is common right after you come out, they want it not to be true so there pretending that nothing happened. Given enough time of you saying that you meant what you said and just being firm about your identity, they wont have a choice but to start respecting your decision. If it doesn't get better soon try getting them to go with you to a trans* meeting for family or, if your seeing a therapist, go with you to a session. Being able to talk to someone who has gone through it with there own child or is a professional might help them understand things a bit better. good luck and congrats on coming out!
     
  5. suninthesky

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    How long ago did you come out to them? I came out to my parents about 10 months ago and they still call me by female pronouns and daughter, young lady, etc. Our parents haven't had as much time to work through it as we have. Correcting them is an option, but they may just need some time. It takes a lot of patience.
     
  6. Shea

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    Look you're only 13 so that means it's just a phase and if they don't acknowledge it then it will go away. At least I'm guessing that's what they are maybe thinking.
     
  7. Claudette

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    one of the most affirming & supportive things they can do is correctly address you with your new identity. It can be very dysphoric to you for them to still refer to you as a woman, and that can make you depressed and anxious. You should correct them and in time they won't need to be corrected. For if they use proper pro-nouns towards you and your new name it will help suppress the dysphoria making life that much easier for you
     
  8. Groosenator

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    I know how you feel. I came out to my mom just a few weeks ago and at the time she was pretty supportive but it feels like she doesn't even feel comfortable bringing it up to me much less referring to me as male and calling me my preferred name.
    I personally plan on giving her a little more time, maybe gradually transition a little more before I push her to call me by the correct name/pronouns.

    You know your parents better than we do. I think it's important to encourage and yes even pressure them to call you by your preferred name and pronouns, but use your best judgement and be gradual, be patient. Don't push them past their limits too soon unless you really think there is no other way. And if you do feel that way, you may want to consider getting out from under their roof before you do so.

    Best of luck. Give them enough pressure that they will bend but not necessarily break, yknow?
     
  9. Lawrence

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    They're shocked. They might be worried about you going down this unknown (to them) path. You'll have to educate them. When they say 'she' you should say 'he'. You should correct them gently at first, then after a few months you can insist on male pronouns. Yes, people do slip up, I know it hurts, remember; intent is important.

    I wish you better luck than I had. I've done everything in my power to explain trans to my parents and they still don't understand. I took my mom to see special doctors and it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. She tried to convince a doctor that I'm a perfect and innocent little girl. Heck, she even calls my boyfriend "your friend"... it's bloody hilarious. My dad is more of a realist. He told me he can't understand although I'm still his buddy whatever I am. He slips up sometimes, usually when he talks to my mom, yet he tries to use gender neutral terms and I can accept that. When I first came out he made extremely hurtful jokes - he thought he was just being funny. Try to see it from their perspective.

    I've often been quite demanding with pronouns and the birth name. I ignore or I say "who?" The extended family try to avoid talking about me. Well, too bad if I'm the disgrace in the family! I've done much more for myself than my cousins and somehow I'm a bad person for something beyond my control. I'm stealth ftm, so I fear going anywhere with my mom or extended family because they attempt to out me. I don't tell most people the birth name. The only hint I'll give is my close friend said it was almost as posh as my current name. Okay, whatever! If a friend called me the birth name... I might be gouging their eyes out with a letter addressed to Mr ********, managing director! I'm not a managing director, but the rest is accurate.

    Please remember that if you do not 'pass'; most strangers don't intend to hurt you if they use female pronouns. It's up to you to correct them if you deem it worthwhile.
     
  10. Miiaaaaa

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    You're only 13, and they're probably thinking it's a phase. You've got to be insistent and keep correcting them. They should get there eventually, maybe after the shock subsides too.
     
  11. DhammaGamer

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    You're gonna have to stand up for yourself. Arguments are bound to happen.
     
  12. HGabs

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    The only advice my tiny mind can offer is patience.

    This process in it's entirety is a huge test on our patience, and how far it can be stretched. Believe me, in the early days (not too long ago), I felt exactly the same. I was tod something wise by a clever old girl. They've known you for thirteen years as 'F', and a matter of months as 'M'. I'm not saying it's easy, or it's excusable, but it takes adjustment on their part as well.

    It's not just us who transition, it's everyone around us hon. In saying that, you're much more apt to pick up on their attitude towards this. If you can see they are deliberately making an effort to not acknowledge this, and to simply dispute the entire thing with you, then you have a problem. Otherwise, give it time. It sucks, but it's all I can offer, and believe me, you'll think 'What is this this ***** on about', but believe me, it'll work.

    Stay patient, keep smiling, and hit me up for a chat anytime you need.

    Peace xx

    - H :kiss:
     
  13. Calum

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    I totally agree with what everyone is saying. I came out to my parents in june, but due to other circumstances, i havent been pressuring them all that much. but now that everything is okay, i am definitely gonna start correcting them. try talking about it to them first tho before you immediatley start correcting them. let them know how you feel
     
  14. Imogen1991

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    I have come out to my family in January and only changed my name legally last month. I understand this is a very stressful time and plays on your dysphoria. I rarely speak to my dad but when I do He never mentions me by name. I’m not sure whether he’s trying to be mindful or whether it is his way of coping with things. My neighbours still refer to me as Tomm which upsets me but they apologise soon after and correct it to Imogen or Gen (for short). I also get called Tomm in arguments or spitefully to try and get a reaction out of me! I never visibly show the person that they have upset me though. I would personally try and talk to them to explain your feelings and offer for them to attend a GIC appointment with you for clarity.

    Hope this helps x
     
  15. BreakinDaylight

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    Boy can I relate,, I came out to my parents in March. They said they accepted me, but they kept acting the same as they did before, calling me their daughter and using my birth name.
    I didn't correct them, and let my anger at them for doing this silently build up. Finally in June I sort of blew up at them.
    Not a wise choice, my mom was majorly pissed at me for letting my anger build up rather than confronting her sooner. I had a talk with my parents, pretty much a more in-depth re-coming out. They agreed to start calling me Romeo and using he/him pronouns for me.
    It's October now, and they've gotten pretty good with my name and pronouns. We're still working out certain things, but communication as well as correcting their mistakes is key.
    I'd recommend correcting your parents now, or trying to have a talk with them about how you want them to address you.