Unsure of gender/who I am, and other questions

You've done nothing wrong this is absolutely the correct place to write this.

You are who you are.

Who says you have to be a male or female? You can be both as you see fit, or neither. That's the beauty of it. Be you. Male, female, it doesn't matter. What matters is what makes you happy and comfortable.

Do not rush into something, self discovery takes a long time.

As far as sexuality goes I'm not really an expert in that since I've always preferred one gender. But it's all love whomever you are attracted to.

We're here for you.

 

Welcome to EX Gamzii.

I want to start off by saying that for the most part, the thoughts you have expressed here are things we hear a lot of, so please don't feel like you are on your own.

First things first, a minor correction in terminology:
I learned more about transgenders. - No, you learned about 'transgender people' Basically 'transgenders' makes it sound like some sort of group identity thing, and a lot of people aren't comfortable with that. Just thought you should know!

I've tried both identifying as a male and a female online to see which makes me the most comfortable, and I have to say, I'm happy as both.
How about offline?

The reason I ask is because online, it's easy to pretend. I can go to a new forum and pretend to be a straight cis-male with almost no effort. I can do it because online, it becomes a character. It takes no more effort for me to act as a straight cis-male online than it is to be a Jedi, an orc warrior, a space lizard, Indiana Jones or any other character I might be called upon to adopt. It feels perfectly comfortable and normal to do those things on the computer.

Offline is very different. I could not pretend to be a straight cis-male offline, even though I look like one, because even the thought of trying makes me feel sick.

So how do you feel OFFLINE about being female and male?

However, I'm not the kind of person that could live with being in the middle, I want to pick the gender I'm most happy with, and finally secure who I really am...

This sentence troubles me deeply. I suppose my biggest question is this:

"What if 'who you really are' isn't completely male or female?"

I mean right now, you don't know what you are. You could be cis-male, you could be trans-female you could be anything. We don't know yet. But if it turns out you aren't 'just male' or 'just female' what do you intend to do?

 

Don't worry, that's why I pointed it out Believe me, if that was the worst thing people said when asking questions the whole thing would be much easier xD

If I had to choose my gender right now, I'd choose female.

This is potentially very important, but I'm not going to analyse it yet.

If I'm reading you correctly, the biggest problem you seem to have at the moment is expression. You want to be free to express yourself exactly how you feel, but instead you put forward this "unfeeling and quiet" exterior. (Believe me when I say, my heart goes out to you for this, I did the same thing for years!)

Now what I wonder is, would you feel the same way if you felt able to express yourself as a male?

I mean you say you want to 'express you femininity' but what does that actually mean to you?

That's exactly it though, what does a person who feels that way do?
There are plenty of people on this forum who feel exactly that way. We can worry about being non-binary later if we need to. For now, let's just focus on what you're feeling rather than the lables, ok?

As for your last paragraph, please don't worry. We have here, one of the most patient, caring and understanding support communities I know of. If you're not good at explaining, usually we will ask questions so we understand. We will try and help you as best we can, don't worry about how things come out!

 

Gamzii, spend any amount of time reading some of the posts I've made on this board and you'll soon realise that post was not too long xD

How old are you exactly?

See the thing that I wonder while reading all this is how much your ideas stem from the idea that you "can't" do things because you will be judged for it. I completely understand WHY you feel like that, it just makes me wonder.

I'm going to ask you to imagine a world where your current family don't exist. We'll say that in this world it is your 18th birthday.

In this world your family consists of a mother and father with no particular views on anything. Their friends have no views on anything either. Whatever you do is going to be fine with them.

Are you with me so far?

In this world you are free to do all the things you mentioned above. You can be carefree, artistic, creative. You can hug people if you want. You can be friends with anyone you like. You can DO whatever feels right to you.

So my first question is this. In this world we are imagining, how are you different?

 

Yea good luck with this Gamzii... Holly has her teeth in you and is going for the kill. No seriously, you're in good hands from our best analyst.

Btw I love that last question... I think you even used it on me once.

 

Shall I let you in on a secret? That question has nothing to do with sexuality or gender. Nothing at all

The thing is you've answered my question truthfully, and you've gone a step further. You've told me what, and you've also told me WHY.

" I'd go out of my way to help people cheer up as we live in such a dark world. I'd befriend anyone I can that's ever felt alone like I have. I'd hug them and tell them it's okay...I wouldn't care what people think about me, because negative opinions of good people are just to make themselves feel better"

That last one is especially important. It's important because I specifically stated that your family in that world would not have any negative opinions. I said they would support you, yet here you have told us that you would be yourself "because negative opinions of good people are just to make themselves feel better". That is a relic of the real world.

I don't think either of us are going to need to think too hard about the answer to this question, but I will ask it anyway.

Who, in your life, is providing the negative opinions you can't escape from, even in a fantasy world?

I can have a pretty solid guess at your answer here. So I want to ask you something else.

You've just told me the following: "negative opinions of good people are just to make themselves feel better

So I ask you this. Is this statement true? If so, why do the negative opinions in your life matter? Why listen to them at all?

 

Oh no! You've done it now Gamzii! Never tell me you want to make the world a better place...oh goodness! Now I have to HELP.

But in all seriousness you've just described a very basic version of part of my worldview.

I exist to make things better. That's it. That is my purpose. To make some improvement.

The thing is, the only person who gets to decide what that improvement is, and how much I do, is me.

I will never change the world. But I might change yours.

That sentence literally just came to me, and I think it speaks volumes about me. But just in case it doesn't, I'm going to explain it anyway.

My life means nothing if I do not good. I want to help people in any way I can. By the sounds of things, so do you. I could spend hours and hours telling you about my perfect world. I could tell you of true equality. I could tell you of a world free of suffering. I could. But I cannot make it so. My dream will not exist, not because of me anyway.

For a while that meant giving up. I took the view that if things couldn't be right, they may as well be wrong. I did nothing.

For a long time I would go to bed each night counting the things in my bedroom I could use to kill myself. Turns out I have a lot. When I woke up I would think about which one I should use. I never did of course, or I wouldn't be here.

At the time I was working at a primary school. For whatever reason the children loved me. Honestly, they were they only reason I got out of bed in the morning.

One evening I was sat at my desk, with a box of painkillers and a bottle of rum. I was as low as I think I've ever been, and it was the closest I think I've ever come to actually doing it.

My mum came in. She asked me what my family would do. I told her that I didn't care. It wasn't worth it. She asked what my friends would say. I told her it didn't matter. Then she said the one sentence that shattered my heart and brought me to tears for the first time in my life.

What will the children at school do without their Sam?

That sentence is so powerful I'm fighting the tears back as I write. That was nearly 2 years ago now and I don't even work at the school anymore.

It made me realise that I can't change THE world, but I can change other peoples worlds.

Over the course of four years I must have worked with nearly 200 children and I can put my hand to my heart and say I honestly believe I made their lives a little better. I haven't worked at the school for a year now and I STILL have parents and children chase me down in the street. Children tell me how they are and what they've been doing. Parents tell me how their children love and miss me.

The only reason I was able to say this about myself was because I accepted something deep down. I don't know what it is about children. They just make sense to me. Teaching children comes naturally to me. I had to deal with the fact that for a while people were suspicious of me. I have overheard parents snap at their children in the street asking who that man they called to is. The snapped in fear. Then the child says "That was Mr ****" and you hear them change.

I know so many parents thought I was odd. I'm tall, and big. I had long scruffy hair and a scruffy goatee. I wore combat trousers exclusively. I have a tattoo on my forearm of an anime girl. I know what people thought. That guy shouldn't be allowed to work with kids. You hear things.

But I had to ignore those people because I was making a difference here. It didn't take long before all the parents knew who I was. Half of their children wanted their parents to adopt me, the other children wanted ME to adopt THEM. I worked through that judgement, that extreme negativity because it made sense to me. It made me feel like a good person and it improved those childrens lives. People accepted it and encouraged it.

What is my point in telling you this? If I had ignored that part inside me, if I had sat there and said 'those people think I'm a pedophile, I can't do it' I would certainly be dead right now. I have no doubt in my mind I would not be alive at this moment if I had not gone into that school. Believe me, working there did some serious damage to me, but I am alive because of it.

Now I'm trying to do the same thing, but this time I'm dealing with being trans instead of looking like a homeless guy.

Don't set out to change the world. Go out into the world looking to help.
Do not look for the result of your actions. Go for the actions themselves.

The only person you need to be 'good enough' for is you. Not your parents, not me, not God, not the president, not the santa. YOU.

Take your time and discover who you are. When you find who you are, learn to love that person. When you start to love that person, share them with the world.