How do you know you're transgender?

I recently joined so I'm a bit lousy at using this site right. Sorry if this is too long!

I'm contemplating on seeing a counselor and certainly procrastinating it ... mainly because I'm nervous and dreading it. I have been suffering from depression, though, and have been diagnosed with it - sometime last year, I believe, and it's still here. I never took any pills because they wouldn't prescribe them to me if my parents didn't want them to, which they definitely agreed with. They figured I'd overuse them. :dry: I wanted them, though, because I wanted to be rid of these feelings but now I know they won't go away until I act on them. I don't want to be mistaken is the thing!

I remember being six or seven and going into the bathroom to cut my hair because I hated how it was so long (even at my shoulders I considered it long and still do). So I took my sister's scissors and started to chop off my bangs, then my hair's length. Immediately after I felt guilty and scared of what my mom would do, so I hid myself in the bathroom and refused to come out because I wasn't sure if I wanted to cut the rest of my hair while I had a chance. I have long, long hair to this day and I have asked for it to be cut short a few times, but of course my mom has to go and tell everybody what I asked of her and everybody says I look "pretty" with long hair. My mom will let me cut it, though, I just don't know how I want it. My grandma is totally against it which peeved me.

Then again, all of my family always tell me what I can and can't wear, etcetera. I'm always given floral dresses and tops, skin tight jeans and design leggings. My friend who is a girl said I have a girl's dream closet. Yeah, maybe I do, but I'm not a girl! So why do I have to have clothes I find terrible in my closet? I talked to my mom about it before and she said I could get what I wanted to wear but she changes the topic when I bring it up.

I keep it hidden from my family how I feel. They don't know that I feel deep down that I am a boy because I haven't told them. They're ignorant about the topic too, saying its "men becoming women" and "women becoming men". Anyway, I experience huge disgust over my body. Knowing that I carry breasts on my chest saddens me to no end (when I was a youngster and felt bumps that hurt, I ran out of the shower to get to my mom because I was confused and told her I disliked them and wanted them gone). I bind my chest, wearing three sports bras and a tight tank top to hide my chest and when I feel its showing, I freak out and end up almost crying in discomfort. If I even try to masturbate I think I have a penis, but then realize I don't and get upset. I really want one, but I'm not sure about having SRS - its expensive and I'm overall unsure. I want to get hormone injections (Testosterone) to change my body. I really, really want a deep voice and I hate how I sound now. It's too high for my liking. And I want to eventually grow facial hair, have broader shoulders and bigger body muscles ... and the like. I want to change how I look because it would make me so happy.

Pronouns make me vomit. Female ones, I mean. I love being called he, his and him - it feels good and doesn't hurt me like she and her do. Granted, people notice how I tense and become quiet when this happens. One time it became too much to bear and I ended up sobbing my eyes out in the gym office with a teacher and my buddy. Then it happened again. And once more. I also ran to the bathroom another two times crying because I was being treated like a girl and being called one and I wanted to hurt myself. I have pinched myself, pulled at my skin, bit myself ... all to do with how I am disgusted with my body. It doesn't even feel like my body. I can wake up and think about my penis, then go "where'd it go" but then realize, you know. Which brings me to how I pack at home with anything of mine I can find.

When I was 10, I thrashed around my room in a fit of rage, praying to anything or anybody to get me out of my body into one without breasts and the like so I could smile for once. I kept chanting "I'm in a gross body help me". I never noticed how much more cruel I was being back then. I didn't care about anything (I've gotten better) and people ended up disliking me even more. I was so lonely and depressed that I wanted out. Which brings me to here; I have definitely thought about suicide, but couldn't pursue it out of the love for my family and echoes in the back of my head telling me I was staying strong.

I want to be treated like a boy and I feel like I am one. But I have doubts, despite knowing I have never been female or anything else but male, about being transgender. I sometimes feel like I'll regret it all and then I feel and know I won't. It stresses me out. Plus my mom once asked me about it and she thinks its a phase and that I'm a tomboy. Help? I could sure use some! Thanks.