It Got Worse

Okay, so last week was not my week. It really wasn't and I was hoping this week would be better, but it already seems to be going very badly.

My principal pulled me into his office today to tell me I had been placed on academic probation, which basically means I'm failing two of my classes, and thus are going to be closely monitored for the next month. I prepared myself for the inevitable breakdown followed by immediate motivation that always comes with screwing up my schooling, and that's where things went wrong. I've never been on academic probation, but whenever I mess something up in my studies, I always get upset and do everything I can to fix it. That didn't happen this time. When I went back to class, I simply wanted to curl in a corner and sob for days. I feel absolutely no motivation for school, my studies, anything really. It's terrifying me, because even now my textbook is on my bed, and all I can think of is how I really don't see the point to studying, or trying, or doing anything for school.

I don't want to tell my parents, because then I'll be a major disappointment. I'm the golden child, the 'perfect little angel,' the kid who does their work and never falls behind and doesn't slack, and is perfect in every way. I'm their 'sweet beautiful daughter.' It's killing me! I feel like I'm breaking and cracking and nobody is seeing ANYTHING! I feel like a doll, cracked and painted over, put on a pedestal and slowly cracking further because nobody bothered to fix me in the first place. I'm terrified that if I do tell my parents, they'll take away my laptop and my phone, which are the only ways I can connect to social media, where people see me as male, or at the very least androgynous. I feel safe on the internet, crazy as that sounds, and if they take that away, I think I really will break.

On top of this, my genderfluid friend is graduating around next February, and moving out of their house to their own apartment. They told me they could file the paperwork to allow me to move in with them when I turned 17, and this is only adding to my stress. On the one hand, this makes me extremely excited and happy, because if I move out early, then I can start presenting as male faster. But then I feel like a total jerk, because I'm terrified to tell my family how I'm feeling and I would rather avoid telling them all together. But on the other hand, I want them involved. I don't want to lose my family. And on top of all this, my dad is looking at getting a potential job in the Dakota states as a trucker, and if he does, then my family will NEED me to stay home. I want to leave and get piercings and tattoos and present as male and lose these restrictions, but then I'll be the family disappointment, and that makes me feel like crap.

I'm not sleeping, I feel a little dead inside, and I've been progressively hating my body more and more over the last two weeks. My whole world is falling apart around me, and nobody sees, and nobody is able to help me, and I don't know what to do. I want to cry, and scream, and sob, and at the end of it all, none of that will make me feel better, and I'll go back to feeling dead.

 

I told him I was taken aback by the workload of the classes. Which is true in part, but I really just stopped trying. I don't care anymore, and it's scary, because I've ALWAYS cared. My ability to motivate myself for schooling has been a rock my whole life, and now I'm rapidly losing it. Which is a big problem because my school is an alternative school where you do 75% of the work at home, on your own time. You HAVE to motivate yourself. And even if I did tell him why, it would be seen as an excuse. My school is very liberal, and the teachers and staff do everything they can to help the students, but there is already a trans-girl here, and several gender non-conforming students. They all do just fine, so I will be held to the same standard.

I can't go back to my old school. I can't. If I don't get my grades together, I will be forced to go back. Getting my grades up requires motivation, and I don't have motivation. If I tell my family I'll lose the one thing that's keeping me afloat right now, but if I don't tell them, everything will be worse. I don't know what to do, and I'm scared, and I shouldn't be.

 

I'm scared. I want help, I really do, but that is terrifying. I won't be able to handle it if too many people know at once. As it is, my friends suspect and even THAT is terrifying. I think they want me to tell them, but I can't. I've tried, and literally every time the words have stopped halfway out of my mouth. And even if I told a teacher, what are they going to do? How could they help? I would tell my history teacher (he teaches my sociology class) because I trust him the most, but how could he help? He can't do much, and he couldn't really wave my inability to work in his history class, because I handle the sociology homework loads fine. It helps that I care about the sociology stuff, but even that is becoming difficult because we're starting the trans unit.

 

Okay, I will try to work up the nerve to talk to him after school tomorrow. I don't know how it's going to go, but I will try.

As for how much it matters...I know it shouldn't but it does. I hate being a disappointment, in fact I do everything I can to make other people laugh and smile and be proud to call me their friend/child/ student, whatever. I have NEVER had my dad's approval for anything outside of swimming, and now it physically makes me sick thinking of swimming. I love the water, and I want to cry when I realize that I feel ill at the thought of getting in a suit and swimming now. I want him to be proud of me, but no matter what I do, it never seems to be enough. This is just one more failure on my part to add to my list of failures, mistakes, and other mishaps.

 

Okay, I'll try to talk to my teacher. Baby steps. That's step one, we'll see what happens. I'll try to stop worrying about what my family thinks, and focus on getting as much schoolwork done as possible so I can get off probation.

 

Okay, I will do my best. Thank you Holly.

 

Okay, I thought today couldn't get any worse, and then my family proved me completely wrong.

My dad was being a jerk to my sisters about cleaning their room, and they were making so much noise that the limited concentration I had on my school work went out the window. So I went downstairs to ask him to please try to cooperate with my sisters, and he turned it into a massive argument! He told me he was tired of me throwing bitch fits all the time (I rarely leave my room anymore, let alone talk to my family) and that I needed to just shut up and let him parent how he wants to parent. Of course, I decided to be logical and remove myself from the situation by gathering my school stuff and driving to the library. But my dad flipped out and tried to grab me to keep me from leaving, and I got really scared.

I've been on edge for a while now because of the stress and emotional stuff from the past few weeks, but he just triggered a small breakdown. I was sobbing and having trouble getting control of myself and screaming at him not to touch me. He was yelling about how he was going to drain the oil from my car and how I wasn't going to get to use it for a week, and I was terrified. I ran out to the garage and texted a friend asking if I could stay at her place for the night, and she got immediately worried but agreed with no problems. So I ran back inside, grabbed my stuff, and jumped in my car to drive to the library. My friend was going to meet there in about two hours, so I sat in the parking lot and tried to study, and texted my mom to let her know where is was and that I was going to friends for the night.

Of course, she immediately said no and demanded I meet her at her work to talk, and an hour later she finally got off the conference call only to tell me I couldn't go to my friends because we had school, and that she asked my dad to go back to counseling, and that we would both be getting jobs soon so we wouldn't see each other anyway. She didn't understand that I was terrified of going home! I've been a wreck all night and I don't know what to do now. I feel like I'm walking on thin ice around my dad, and I haven't been this afraid of him since I was 7 and he threw me into a wall. My mom isn't helping and basically told me I just shouldn't spend time in my own home. And this is only making me more afraid to tell my teacher what's been going on, and I can't figure out why! They're not even connected events! I'm drowning in bad stuff with literally no way of escaping. I want to feel safe here, and that's not happening and that isn't helping my wacky mental state either.

 

Alright! I did it, I talked to my teacher! I almost cried three times, but I totally did it! And it's a huge weight off my shoulders, let me tell ya'll, it's nice that someone knows outside of people on the internet.

I worked myself into a nervous wreck waiting for class to end, and then I asked if I could have a bit of his time, and of course, everything that I had rehearsed in my head went out the window. So I was like "Suck it up and say it, channel your inner Gryffindor (cause I'm a Slytherin )" and I turned around and said "I wanted to tell you why I was doing so abysmally in your class even though I was floating just fine in sociology" and he was all, "you're not floating, you're doing 130% for that class" and I was like "it's because I'm passionate." and then I said "I started questioning my gender identity at the end of winter break and it has torn my whole world apart." And whaddya know I managed to shock him speechless!

But then he was all "I have to say, you are the first person to ever come up to me and say that. Thank you for trusting me." So I explained what was going on and he said there wasn't anything he could do about the probation (because there was another class with a different teacher involved in it as well) but that in his mind so long as I got all my work turned in by the end of the year, he didn't care when I got it in. Then we talked and he asked if I had discussed this with my family, what he could do to help, and that he was available if I needed to talk.

I feel like this really validated everything I've been thinking about for the past 3+ months. It's like I'm finally coming to terms with all of this. And to know that someone is willing to listen and help me is fantastic. And I'm not ready to tell anyone else, but I kind of feel like I've achieved this temporary internal peace. For the moment anyway.

Thank you Holly, for giving me the last shove to tell someone. I think it's really going to help. And thanks to everyone else for the concern!

 

Oh, I'm sorry today was so bad Have a hug. (*hug*) I hope it gets better!