Okay, so I'm starting to seriously question my gender identity. Today I was called Adam for the first time and it made me feel SO AWESOME but I think I'm still gender fluid, but I'm trans. because the main reason I'm still questioning is because my parents keep calling me by my birth-name and it's making my feelings confusing. I'm fine with people that don't know that don't call me Adam, but those who know, I want them to call me Adam for sure. is it possible to be a transguy that's gender fluid or a genderfluid gender queer (I make no sense sorry) or should I just snap and explain to my parents to atleast call me Adam at home?!?! I mean, at this point I could care less about passing, as long as they just accept me for me, and call me Adam I'm fine.
So just let me run that back to you, to make sure I'm understanding things correctly. You want people to call you Adam. There are 2 types of people. 1. Those who know to call you Adam. 2. Those who DON'T know to call you Adam. You want group 1 to ONLY ever call you Adam. You can accept group 2 using your birth name, because they don't know any better. This leads me to my first question. Would you rather group 2 didn't exist? That is to say, would you prefer it if EVERYONE knew you as Adam? To that end, you talk about your parents, who you DO know about identity, but they do not use it. You do not like this. The thing I'm confused about is that you seem pretty certain that you want to be known as Adam by your parents. You want them to accept and acknowledge your male identity, to the exclusion of your female birth identity. Which leads me to my second question. 2. Is there something more to this that makes you feel genderfluid, as opposed to strongly male?
well, a lot of the time I don't have time to bind my chest in the morning, so I just don't do it. I don't want group 2 to exist because I wish I had the bravery and courage to actually completely transition and pass. however, I won't really try because I have no chance until I get my hair cut short (which, luckily, is soon.) and until I get my voice lowered some what. (I have a rather feminine voice) My feelings get easily confused. You see, I'm slowly starting not to respond by my birth-name so my parents slowly find it out. if they don't use my name or generally gender neutral stuff when they try to get my attention, I'll reply.
So would I be right in saying that you actually don't feel very genderfluid at all? I mean it sounds like you are using the label out of convenience...don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to tell you what you may or may not be, I'm just curious about the way you describe things. I mean basically what it sounded like you've just told me is that if it wasn't for X, Y and Z you would just be living as a man. There wouldn't be any question about it. Is that right?
I think because you're not fully out, or passing, you've learned to just deal with what people call you. I'm very similar in the sense that I want the people who know that I'm a transman, to use male pronouns with me and refer to me as a guy (even if it's just in private). But with the people who don't know...I can accept being called a girl. But when the people who know, don't do it as such on top of the outsiders calling me a girl, I get very dysphoric. What I think you should do is do some soul searching. Sit in your head for a bit, and ask yourself "am I a boy? A girl? or both?" Or say to yourself " I am a boy." and see how it makes you feel. I know when I do that I feel more confident in myself and my identity. Questioning yourself is normal, and you don't need to freak out if it doesn't make sense 100%. It'll come with time.
