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Holy surfacing dysphoria

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by abandonedsocks, Mar 31, 2014.

  1. abandonedsocks

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    massachusetts
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    I, a long time ago, spent quite a long time dressing like a boy. My friend called me by whatever name I asked her to (what a sweetheart, she helped me with ones, I tried out a few until I found one I liked), all my friends were fine with the fact that I just... dressed like the opposite gender with little to no explanation. (It probably helped that I passed quite easily, and was seen as very "cute", considering my younger age.) I only came out to one person officially, who was very accepting. I was convinced I was gender dysphoric, and I was transgender. I was scared by this, but I came to terms with it. WELL, some things happened, to make a long story short. I lost all of my friends and I just went through life, working and going to classes at a local college for a while. I 'girlied' it up. Wore makeup occasionally. I like doing makeup, don't really see it as a girl thing persay, because I'll still wear makeup when I'm dressed 'boyish', but I had over time, stopped binding. Grew my hair out a bit. Even dressed in 'girly' things sometimes. But showing off my boobs was always a bit uncomfortable for me, and I had two relationships which both deadpanned when sex was involved. I just wasn't comfortable, though I didn't know why. The whole gender dysphoria was just out of my mind, I guess. I still wasn't comfortable, with anything, but I was trying not to pay attention.

    In fact, I wondered (some of you helped so much!) if I was a lesbian, and that my 'boy' tendencies were just because I couldn't have imagined a girl/girl relationship. But honestly, I don't know if I am attracted to girls. I mean, they're pretty, but so are boys! But... I don't want to be in a relationship with either. Or have sex with either. Not that I don't want sex, but I can't be comfortable in a sexual situation. I don't know why, but I've tried a lot and nothing has worked. Out of nowhere today, I felt super uncomfortable. I put on makeup, skinny jeans, a sweatshirt, hat, and docs. (The only feminine bit was my eyeshadow.) I don't know, I just had these feelings bubble up out of nowhere, and I kept trying to put it out of my head, but I couldn't. I don't feel like they're as strong as they used to be, but I'm not sure. I do know, confidently, that I wish I had been born a boy. I think me as a person just... I don't know. When I dream, I'm a boy, when I'm a character in a story, I'm a boy. I mean, sometimes it's nice to think of myself as the "sexy chick", because I'd like to be attractive in this body... and god, I have the body most girls would kill for. I've been told it. But I don't want it. I'm not entirely sure how others feel with their dysphoria, but I wish I'd been born a boy. But there's so much to think about. Do I want to transition? Or try and pass as one? I mean, there's coming out, there's expensive treatments, job discrimination... is it worth it? Can't I just ignore it and be happy anyway?

    I guess I'm asking: have you ever felt like your dysphoria went away for a while? I'll be starting at a new school in the fall, a chance to start anew. Maybe that's why these feelings came up. Like it might be my chance? I really don't know, I just know I'm confused.. and you people are the only friends I have in this area! (And I am so grateful for it, you have no idea. I mean... you do, but... oh, you get it!)
     
  2. alex3191

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Ireland
    Gender:
    Androgyne
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I think with dysphoria you can have good days and bad days. A while ago I had about a week where I felt ok enough that I started to question whether I was transgender. I was still uncomfortable but felt that is wasn't as bad that I would need to transition and I could stay how I was. unfortunately it didn't last long, I had really hoped I wasn't trans and had just made a mistake in thinking so but the dysphoria came back stronger after a week :frowning2:
     
  3. abandonedsocks

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    massachusetts
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    As I was 13, I remember being EXTREMELY uncomfortable with my body. To the point my mom very gently had asked me once if I've been assaulted in any way. I said no, because as far as I know, I hadn't. I just hated my body. Showing it off made me sick. I kind of started with this when I was around.... 15, I'd say? Maybe 16. But it lasted the entirety of my high school career. I dressed very boyish, and because of the 'feminine punk guy' fad was going on and it was before the 'short girl pixie cuts' one happened, I passed very easily. Some people assumed I was a girl, some a boy. Either way, I never corrected them, but I always felt a sense of... pride? happiness when people referred to me as 'he'. I was in a relationship, not out even a bit, with a guy for almost a year, and one thing I would never do was take off my bra. I didn't even want to take my shirt off. Anyway, I've been able to see myself with boys, or girls, really. But.. always as a boy. I just.. was a guy. These feelings lasted for years. I brought the issue up to my parents to see their stance because I was debating on coming out. But I graduated and dropped it, and I went through a few very emotionally draining things, and it just went out of my mind. Like I couldn't handle MORE drama. It came back, and I don't know how much of a vengeance. It seems almost.. dulled, in a way? (I think because I've had these feelings before, it wasn't shocking) I don't even really remember how it started, but I remember as a kid I had some feelings about getting my 'body changed', though I hadn't known what plastic surgery was or that it even existed. I didn't know trans* was a thing. As a kid I didn't even know gay was a thing. But part of me is angry, like why couldn't I just be born normal, you know? But I'm not, I guess, and being angry won't help. And I just don't know how to go about addressing it.