I don't know anyone that goes through this process and isn't confused along the way. It's not a road of eye opening realizations and is just hunky dory, having fun the whole time. I'm absolutely miserable right now. My mom walked in on me taking a nap in my pjs, baggy pj shirt, pj pants, bra. She saw the bra strap and started pulling down my shirt as I was still sleeping. I woke up and she berated me, saying that I shouldn't be wearing something like that, I wouldn't get a girlfriend wearing something like that, and I shouldn't be afraid of who I really am. After that I picked her up from the airport, she took me out to lunch and continued the lecture. I'm living in too conservative of a place Buffalo, to be pulling any freakazoid things like this, I needed to get a college degree and then move to NYC or Orlando, FLA and then be as freakazoid as I wanted. She said that I never exhibited feminine traits when I was a kid, what I'm going through isn't normal, and if she saw me coming toward her with makeup on and knew that I wanted to be in a relationship, she'd run in the opposite direction. Also mentioned how I'm "obviously not good at putting on makeup." I don't remember exhibiting any feminine traits as a kid. I remember there were times when I wanted to have my own female parts but I never let it show. I believe currently that it's because of the religion I grew up a part of (Catholicism) andit was a sin to even think that way. My therapist doesn't believe I'm gay but hasn't really weighed in on the possibility of being trans. I do know that I'm unhappy with my current appearance, I look at myself in the mirror, disgusted with the parts I have and wishing for the ones that I don't. I cross dress practically every day, the only thing I wear "guy like" is a collared shirt. I wear makeup everyday to work, wherever I go, underwear the works. I know that doesn't necessarily mean anything, but I do know that I've never really been truly happy with me. I used to look, stare, at myself in the mirror wondering what it was that I was missing and haven't found it. A couple close friends say that I'm just lonely and I'm trying to be a part of a massive, accepting, friendly, loving community. Just doing all of this desperate for attention and friends. Another person (after I told her about not liking my appearance earlier tonight) asked why I'm discontent with being male. What would make being a female better? I feel so much more confidant, able to smile when I'm dressed up and people see me as female (though I don't think I can pass yet, any constructive criticism would be much appreciated by the way. Pics are in my profile). I always want to do more though. I haven't really been happy as a male in my 27 years of my life. "But is the reason you're not happy as a male because you're male? Or does the problem go deeper? Is dressing as female better because it's who you are or escaping someone you don't want to be?" That was her next question to me and I'm still struggling for an answer. It's something I'll bring up in therapy on Thursday for sure. I'm just so confused and depressed. As days go by I get more and more unhappy, discontent, confused, and just depressed. Any help, suggestions, words of encouragement would be fantastically appreciated. Thanks in advance! :help::help::bang::bang::tears::tears:
Not sure if this was a typo, but I'm confused to as why your mother would say this. That's something that I'd actually be glad to hear from a parent. I'm in a similar situation. I think it's more of a knee-jerk reaction anyways. People become familiar with who you are over time, and it won't be easy to convince them to change their minds. Sometimes it's not possible at all tbqh, but that's not something you can control on your end, as it's completely normal. You're unhappy, and you combat that unhappiness by dressing, makeup, being feminine. It'd be logical to conclude that the reason you're unhappy is because you're male. But sometimes gender isn't that concrete, and I don't really think answering why you're unhappy is particularly necessary, especially if you've found a way to be happy, if that makes sense. That's why, for me at least, therapy and coming out is a double-edged sword. I mean it may be an important question to answer in determining things, but if deep down you know what's going on, why do you need to explain these things to others? Sorry if this is in any way confusing/bleak. It sounds like although you may be confused, you do certain things to make you happy, and that's all that matters.
My mom is a devout Catholic and therefore being myself involves being a typical everyday male with a college degree and career, along with being in a happy relationship. I believe that that's where she was coming from when she said that mark about not being afraid of who I am. The things she said I understand were kneejerk reactions and she's going to have an issue with dealing with how she feels about me, or coming to terms with who I believe I really am. It doesn't change the fact however that what she said hurt, a lot. Everyday it feels almost physically, emotionally painful. The makeup and the dressing up help a little but not a whole lot anymore. I want to see a stunning beauty when I look in the mirror and instead all I see is a guy trying to be a girl. I even get confused as to which bathroom to use in a public place. Your answer was very supportive though. I mean, if I'm doing something to make me happy then why does what anyone else think matter? The catch is though (and this is something I'm working on) is that I've always been one to put others opinions and needs before my own. I never grew or nurtured my inner self, never gave it a chance to fully prosper because I was always afraid of other's opinions, and now? I've stopped caring so much (obviously since I wear girl's clothes in public and even shop for myself) what others think and started concentrating on what really makes me happy. No need to apologize and I certainly appreciate the response As far as living in a conservative place. I actually had a lady come into where I work today. I started to process her return and she looks at me and says, "May I ask a question?" I say "Of course." She avoids all eye contact and asks, "Do you dress like that just because you like it or because you're, well trans..." she faded off into a whisper and said, "sexual," in the smallest voice imaginable. I smiled, probably blushed, and answered, "To be honest I don't know what I am at the moment but I'm working on figuring it out." She nods and we continue on with the transaction. When I finish and hand her her change she says, "Well have a good day and good luck in what you're doing!" Faith in humanity just got a point in my book. I don't know. It's a constant struggle, headache, and the depression just seems to get worse as days go by. It sucks. I have an amazing group of friends helping me but they haven't been through this. They don't know what this is like, so I find myself sharing my case here in a public forum and hoping that I can find some people going through similar circumstances and maybe we can help each other through this cloud of confusion.
Okay, a few quick arguments. Or points, whatever you'll call them. Opinions, I suppose! To the makeup: I'm sure that she wasn't good at first, either!!! Practice makes perfect, lady. (And youtube how-tos are a godsend). Another thing, to the "wanting to be a part of a massive, accepting community". Firstly, trans* hatred goes on EVEN IN THE LGBT community! It's not ALL open and accepting, though they are right, a lot is. Because the rest of the world, very much isn't. I.E.: your own mother. A friend of mine, Ron, was talking about being gay and its effects, and he was such a great person. I loved him so much, he always had a quick wit and something hilarious to say. But one of the really serious conversations we had was how he himself had experienced a close friend saying his being gay was a choice, and his argument to that was, "Honey, nobody would choose a life of persecution." and to me, that was such an extremely true statement, that I, on the spot, opened my eyes a bit wide and kind of smiled. I'd known this, clearly, but it was one of those times where someone said something you had always known in the most perfect way. Nobody would choose a harder life. If doing what makes you happy, makes you TRULY happy, then do it, darling. Because no matter how much everyone else has something to say, they are just talking, and you can put earplugs in and stop listening to them but you can't silence your own mind, and you should never try. Pushing away the things that make you comfortable for the sake of someone else will never help anyone, because eventually you won't be able to take it, and if they truly love you, they will, in time, understand. Gently inform her on various topics. Tell her that you aren't a "freakazoid", that you're her child, and that you assume she'd want her child to be happy. And if that is so, perhaps she could ask you questions about it to understand more, or find a book to read, but to not verbally attack you. It sounds like she really is, in a closeminded-but-coming-from-a-somewhat-kind-place, worried for you. Because how many times, in the news and in pop culture, do we hear of LGBT+ people being attacked, simply for what they are? My mom has said the same, and I haven't even come out to her. They are mothers, they worry, and they are older, so they judge what they don't know, as do we all. Information and communication is key, and I wish you the best on this subject, as it can be a long, painful process. But ultimately, it will be good for you, because it's an unavoidable topic, and ignoring it for the sake of someone else will only cause you grief. Of course you'd love to escape yourself! You're struggling with your identity, you have a life of stress and everyone loves to escape themselves. Be it through TV, video games, reading, drag, writing, painting, skiing, they have something. But does it feel like an escape, or does it feel like waking up from a bad dream, and into a better one? Like a huge sigh of relief, a weight has been lifted from your shoulders? In a way, you are escaping. But the question is, from who you are, or who you aren't? I don't think most people will switch genders to escape themselves, but I suppose the questions I'd ask myself would be ones of personality. Do you act different? Do you have a different personality? Surely, you're far more confident, but would you do things you wouldn't normally do? Is this because of confidence, or because you're 'assuming' a new identity? Because I'd say if the only thing different is really your level of confidence (going up) and it's you: feminized, then I'd say you aren't escaping who you are, you're becoming who you are. Anyway, that's my two cents and of course I can't tell you (and wouldn't want to!) how to feel: whatever makes you happy and comfortable and healthy is what you should do: regardless of what people think.
Ok, that makes sense. Still, albeit inadvertently, not being afraid of who you are is great advice. And it pains me that we live in a world like this, but you have to almost be prepared to face reactions like this. It can be difficult when it's someone close to you, I'd usually just say be strong, but I can definitely empathize with those feelings. To quote the infamous Drake, "yolo". You gotta be able to be selfish once in a while and put your needs above others, because, you really only live once, and you shouldn't spend it living miserably and worrying about what others think of you. It seems you're having more success with that, so this is merely motivational reiteration. C: And in regards to being happy, it doesn't happen overnight. If dressing and the likes aren't doing it anymore, perhaps consider transitioning. Of course that's something that requires a lot of thought, but if it's what would make you happy, I'd say go for it. Just goes to show you that for all the people who have negative reactions, there are those that will support you. I'm in the same boat, I'm not nearly qualified to be giving advice, but yeah it definitely helps to talk things out with other people without fear of judgment.
If I could Facebook that comment (twice) I totally would. The only thing that changes when I dress in clothes that make me feel comfortable is my confidence level. Nowadays though it just seems like that solace has wavered. What I mean is that even dressing in my skinny jeans (which I never thought would, but they make me look awesome. Funny story/true story: I caught a reflection of myself in the mirror Monday night. Hoodie, makeup, skinny jeans, Chucks. I looked awesome. It was like a single ray of sunlight slicing through the clouds that were hanging above my head.), girl's tshirt, makeup, etc. just doesn't help like it used to. I keep looking for ways to change my appearance in the mirror, to myself. Like I said, I still see most of the time a guy trying to look like a girl. But every now and then, like that reflection in the window, I see Sofiya (the name I have choosen to perhaps one day be mine) smiling back at me. But I see the guy parts as I'm getting changed, or in the mirror once I step out of the shower and frown. That's not what I want, it's not ME. I need to head to bed so my comments will hopefully be a bit more coherant tomorrow. Thank you so much both of you for you comments and support
Is there any chance I could get some opinions on if I pass or not and some helpful advice if there is any? I have pictures in my profile. Any help/ advice/ constructive criticism would be appreciated!!!
So in an update of sorts: I admitted to my therapist out loud and most importantly myself last week that I'm a female I've started wearing what I want to wear to work and while I'm out and about and even go so far as to carry a purse. Today I felt extraordinary just because I had this amazing sense of self I guess you could call it and for lack of a better term. Right now I'm just trying to figure out how to get over being a girl in a guy's body. It makes looking at myself in the mirror with anything less than bra and panties on very hard. Most places I enter the women's restroom most of the time but I still haven't been able to go into the proper bathroom at work. I've come out to a few people at work though. Funny story/true story: A friend came up to me and said that one of her contractors (we work at Home Depot, I work at the Service Desk while she works at the Pro Desk) and asked about the "guy trying to be a woman" at the service desk. She told him "well, she isn't trying, she is. In her eyes, she IS a woman on the inside. She really is a sweet person though, intelligent, funny, and kind hearted." The guy looked at her, shrugged his shoulders and said, "That's cool." I'm just trying to reconcile myself to this at this point. I'm tired of hearing about how, "I never exhibited any female traits" as a kid. It's true, I probably didn't. But I also grew up in a classic Catholic household where any impure thoughts and feelings were met with harsh judgement. If I had those thoughts before, they were squashed because they were "morally wrong." It's taken me 27 years to come close to finding myself. I feel like I'm SO close but I still feel a little bit off. Like I said, I think that it's just the fact that on the outside for the most part I'm not meeting an interior self image. I mean, when I admitted to being female to myself, I got home and changed my Xbox Live avatar to how I envision myself. I teared up while doing it because I was so happy and it looked so close to being me. Anytime anyone refers to me as a female there is a spark of pure happiness that just flares up within me. It's wonderful I just wish I could come to terms with having a guy body though.
Dude, your mom's a psycho. I never really saw Buffalo as a very conservative town in the least- not the parts I go to *le shrug.* Good job with telling your therapist, though! That must have made you feel much better for sure. Plus, I must admit that it feels good that I am not the only one who likes making female avatars XD Is it only your mother who knows and is criticizing you or does the rest of your family know? As for your question of if you pass- you look good, but your hair needs to be a bit longer imo That, or if you wear a wig- which I am guessing you don't with the whole family "situation." Yeah, I think you're doing just fine!
Awwww! Thank you! I've actually entertained the thought of growing my hair out again. My mom isn't the only person in my family that knows. There's the aunt's I live with pretty much all of my friends and my siblings. I must say everyone has been immensely supportive save anyone who use the " you never showed any signs of being female before...." But I let it slide. I have most people just getting used to the idea and saying it will take them time and I have more friends who have started referring to me as a female.
Dysphoria kinda bad tonight :\ Figured I'd just continue on in my thread instead of constantly making new threads to keep track of. Still though I'm wearing my cutest pjs I can and....I can't help but look at the bottom half and see "the bulge." It's SO annoying! I was having such a good day and typically putting on my cute pjs helps out and it's enough for me to be distracted from what I have/what I lack. Tonight though for some reason I can't help but see it and it reminds me. I don't know, it's just depressing. I've come so far, forgot I was even in a male body, and tonight everything just rushed back. Frustrating, but it is something I'll eventually get over. Eventually.
As is consistency. It's just frustrating because I was doing so good. Now tonight it just won't stop reminding me it's there.
