So this is just a rant because I don't know where or who else to rant to. Currently my dysphoria is raging, and it's really getting me down. It was so bad that last night I broke down in tears. I know it's because of my monthly visitor, especially when I didn't get it for two months. It's funny how little to no dysphoria I had during those months and how much confidence I gained because I even began to pass; but now all of that has been washed away, all because of this monthly reminder. When I see my parents in the morning I wish I could tell them how much pain I'm in, but no, I've trained myself to wear masks in front of them and everyone else. I just smile and seem like nothing is wrong. I do this because I don't want them to worry about me on top of all the other shit they're going through. I wish I could talk to my best friend too, and I'm sure I can because she's awesome, but when I start a conversation with her, I stay far away from the subject as much as possible. I know this is bad, and I know I shouldn't keep it all inside; but it just comes so natural to me. I feel like cause of this though no one believes me. No one believes how I'm truly struggling. To me I feel like they just think this is something I'm choosing or I'm transgender because that's the cool thing to be nowadays. They, meaning my parents, also probably think dysphoria isn't that bad if only bring it up once every few months. The closest thing I get from my family calling me the right gender is if it's played off as a joke. Such as, the other day my sister needed me to carry her purse for a second, so I did and my mom was all "quick take a picture *insert birth name here* is carrying a purse for the first time." To which my dad would follow up with " hey check out that guy with a purse " in a joking manner and taking what I can get I just went with it. The closest thing I got from my sister is when she was talking about her bridal party and was about to exclude me from the guys, but back tracked what she said and named the guys individually instead. Other than that they still call me a girl, sometimes even a lady or even ma'am. And I'm absolutely tired of it. They can't see how happy and confident I get when people call me a guy. Yes I can handle being called a girl to those who don't know. I've trained myself to do that too, but that doesn't mean I want that. Back in January I was so close to maybe seeing a gender therapist. My sister and my mom agreed to come with me so that they can understand it better, and promised me we would look at someone. ...It's April now and not a single peep of the topic has ever come up again. And I'm nervous to bring it up because for one I get really emotional when talking about this, and two I have no back bone. Anyways, I could go on and on some more, but I'll leave this here. Thanks to anyone who read all of this it was appreciated; and if you have any ideas how I can maybe grow a pair, that'd be great too.
Dude, it's got nothing to do with growing a pair (figuratively speaking). Think about it. You are using all the energy you have pretending everything is OK. You are avoiding discussing the things that hurt you the most with the people that need to know it the most because you don't want to worry them or make their lives difficult. You've taken stock of your situation and decided it's my problem and I need to deal with it. It takes a lot to do something like that. You grew a pair, and it's CLEARLY not working out for you! It's not about being brave. It's about release. You know what you need bravery for? To argue your point. To win a debate. You don't NEED to do that. All you need to do is let out what you have in. If that means bursting into tears in the middle of your living room and sobbing incoherently into your mothers should like I did, then do that. If it means begging your family to treat you the right way because it is figuratively killing you to hear otherwise, do that. If you need to break down, BREAK THE FUCK DOWN. Get. It. OUT. Putting your side forward, making requests of people and trying to get people to see things from your perspective is a HELL of a lot easier when all this extra stuff is gone. When you've already shown the people you're trying to convince the effects it has, the message is clearer. It might still take some work but it makes life easier. Stop telling yourself that you need to 'grow a pair' to let it out. You HAVE a pair, you used it. Let it rest.
Ellia is very right. (as usual lol) Sometimes, as humans, we try to be "strong" for too long and we don't realize how we are damaging ourselves until it's too late. If you want your family to respect you, you are going to have to show a little vulnerability. You're going to have to let them know what you are feeling, despite having it bottled up for so long. Pulling for you =)
Thanks guys. Reading what you both said has certainly made me feel better. I guess ever since I was little I've never been able to let anyone in easily. I was and still am, afraid of judgement and what people might think of me if they knew what goes on in my head. But one of these days I think I'm going to have to have a serious talk with my family, and if that doesn't work, I'll go to my circle of friends who I haven't come out to yet and tell them (oh boy that'll be fun). I just think I need some support that's off the internet. Don't get me wrong though, you guys are great! It's just that I'm used to going to people online to talk to, but if I want to grow as a person I'm going to need some outside sources as well. Thanks again, I appreciate it. <3
