Social anxiety, fear of transitioning and aspirations in life

I have been through another depressive episode recently and I know that I can't do nothing for much longer. I've got to take some action with my transition but fear is holding me back. My social anxiety has become worse, mainly because I worry what people will think of my appearance. I'm not presenting male yet but I no longer pluck my eyebrows or wear makeup even though I have bad skin and don't feel confident without it. I'm also ridiculously pale. I want to start wearing men's clothes. I already own a few things but the problem is I'm afraid to wear them, even just in the house because my family are so critical of my appearance. My mum has already made several comments about me not wearing make up. She has always been critical of how I look. For a long time I was afraid of smiling because she always made comments about my teeth not being straight and my brother and sister used to tease me really badly about my appearance. Even at school I got comments about my weight because I used to be 2 sizes bigger than I am now. It's one thing having the guts to go out in public presenting male but another thing entirely when you don't feel you can be yourself in your own home. I know I need to get out of this house but I can't do that until I get a job and I can't get a job in the state I'm in at the moment. I need to work on my social anxiety and my mood before I can hold a job but to do that I need to transition at least clothes-wise, the thought of which is actually causing me more social anxiety so it's a vicious circle.

Another thing is that my family make me doubt that I am trans. Whenever I have been spending time with them as opposed to hiding in my room, I start to feel almost female again. My mum still believes I am seriously mentally ill and that being transsexual is a mental illness. Last weekend she held a photo of me from a few years back in front of my face saying 'this is who you really are, you're seriously ill'. My family even wanted me admitted to hospital for my depression. I hate how they are able to influence my identity. When I'm with them I end up fitting back in the role that they created for me, their daughter or sister, 'the one who was bullied'. This brings me to the final thing about my aspirations in life.

Since accepting my gender identity, I have become more interested in having a relationship and started to think about what I want out of my life. Before I realised I was trans, I saw no future for myself. I just felt like I had an obligation to do what my mum wanted and I just let life control me. My family have always presumed I don't want a relationship or friends. Even before I came out about my sexual orientation, they never thought anything of the fact I'd never had a boyfriend. I had half hoped that they would have wondered about my sexuality because of this but it turns out that it never crossed their mind. They just saw me as someone who didn't want or need a relationship and they still see me that way now, especially as I'm trans. My mum has even said that 'women won't want a guy without a penis'. Basically my family make me feel like I shouldn't have any aspirations for friendship and relationships in my life. It's like it is wrong for me to have those wishes and that I should be this selfless person who does whatever they want. I feel suffocated but I don't know how to find a way out. I want a life of my own.

 

Remind me, how old are you now?

There is a reason I'm asking but until I can remember I will hold on to it.


OK I don't know where to begin with this so I'm just going to dive in.

Yeah that'll be the one. Story time.

Every so often (last night for example) a thought will pop into my head. "What if I'm not actually trans". Now there was a time when that thought would come up and it would destroy me for the next couple of days. I'd have to spend ages wrestling over it in my mind, trying to be as open to every possibility as I could.

That is no longer the case. Now I can get over that idea. I can shoot it down in less than a minute, curl up and sleep.

WHY?

I started comparing before and after.

Before: I had no interest in relationships, intimate OR platonic. None at all, I couldn't stand people. I was completely miserable all the time. I hated my clothes. I hated my body. I felt like I had no future. I would argue with everyone all the time because they wanted me to do things and I didn't.

Now: I want a relationship badly. I want to share all the love I have inside that I've bottled up. I'm still nervous about people, and going out and doing things scares me just in case people are bad, but I do it anyway because I feel like ME. I love my new clothes. I still hate my body but we'll get there. I definitely feel like I have a future. I still argue with mum because things aren't going how she wants them too, but I am trying to live like an adult, not an over-grown teenager, and my choices boil down to what works for ME not what she wants.

Now I am obviously in a different situation to you right now. I'm working my way through my transition. Each step scares the hell out of me, but I'm doing it because each thing I do I needed to do. You, on the other hand, are stuck.

The thing is if you do things because you want to do them and ignore everyone else, you have a smaller chance of regretting it. Keep in mind that your mum is trying to convince you that you are literally, irreparably INSANE. I'm not basing that off just this post, but all the conversations we've ever had. Your mother, if she is even half as bad as you say she is, is one of the worst people I know. Again, keeping in mind that before you ever came out you were still under pressure to wear make-up all the time and be a 'real girl'.

You've got a history of bullying. So have I. We both know how shitty it is to walk out of your bedroom and suffer abuse until you go back in. I don't blame you for being scared. BUT you are now sitting here telling us for the first time that the things you want to do are things you NEED, AND you are focussing on small things like changing clothes, not wearing make-up and going out presenting as male. You're no longer telling us about this big singular transition event, it's little things you need to do.

You know, you DO need to get out of that house, even if it's just getting out and walking around outside for a few hours. Thing is most people won't notice you unless you stare them down. My biggest mistake when going out in public is that I lock eyes with anyone that looks at me. I need to stop doing that. When I DON'T do it, I realise that with a couple of minor exceptions, nobody cares who I am or what I look like, they have their own stuff to do. I think it would help you a lot to just be AROUND people that aren't your family, even if you're not talking to them, just so you can realise that out of every thousand people, only a handful are ever going to give you a hard time, and that significantly more will either be indifferent or really lovely.

 

I am 26 so yes I am way over the age where I should be able to do what I want and be an adult. But in some ways I feel behind for my age because I haven't yet held a full time job - I've been studying and working part time - I have never had a relationship or even came close to it, I don't have any friends and have spent most of my life as a loner. Could it be aspergers? Maybe. It could also be that while other teenagers were out with friends and falling in love, I was being bullied everyday from the age of 11 or 12 up to the age of 18 and then again at uni when I was 22 -23 :-/ Who knows. I didn't start going clubbing until I was 23 and found a friend who I felt I could trust.

Is my mum really that bad? Because over the last 3 years in therapy I have got really angry about the way my parents have raised us but then I end up feeling guilty like it's all my fault and I should be grateful for everything they've done for me. I know they've always made sure there's food on the table and clothes on our backs but I feel like I have suffered emotionally.

 

Go back, read the things you've said to me and this forum about your mum and pretend I was the one who wrote then. You tell me if your mum is that bad.

From what you've told me, she wants a doll. If you don't exist the way she wants you to she tells you that you are wrong and weird. She tells you reasons people won't want to be with you. I have never heard you say anything good about that woman. That goes for the rest of your family too. Not once have I heard you say "But they were nice to me then..."

Why should you be grateful for anything they've done for you?

Up until you are 18, a legal adult, it is her RESPONSIBILITY to do right by you. She brought you into this world. It was HER choice to do so.

You don't buy a pet then abuse the hell out of it and expect it to love you because you gave it a home and food. So why should you have a child and do the same?

From 18 onwards you are an adult. Now for most people this is when they go off to uni or into work, leave home. This is the point most people start to 'owe' their parents. They need to borrow money or whatever they need help. They are adults and their parents would be well within their rights to let them fail. It's a dick move to be sure, but it's I don't think its necessarily inherently wrong.

But you and I are not most people. Most people, if they experience bullying at all, have one or two people - usually known as 'the school bullies' - who are dicks to them. It sucks, but most people get over it. Now when you get up every day knowing full well that 90% of the people you come across are going to make your life difficult, or are going to side exclusively with the people who are making your life difficult, then you are fucked.

You make friends based around fear. Those in a similar situation who you know you can trust because you HAVE to and so do they. You don't learn how to interact with people because people represent pain in your world. You don't learn to trust because the minute you let something slip it's used against you, even if it isn't a bad thing. You go home to 'safety' and it happens again, in a different way perhaps, perhaps they even think they are 'helping' but it still happens.

Now when a person who has experienced that gets to 18 they either throw themselves into the deep end and hope for the best, or they retreat into themselves. You and I retreated.

You COULD throw yourself into the deep end. Go to the job centre, tell them you need JSA and a council house or something because you're trans and living with an abusive transphobic family. I'm sure a 10 minute conversation with anyone in your household would prove that they don't accept your identity. Wouldn't happen instantly but it would happen. I have NO idea what would happen next. Perhaps being away from your mother would give you confidence to dress around the house and in turn to do so in public.
Perhaps the idea of being on your own would be such a shock you'd retreat further into your own mind.

I would like to hope it would be the first. But it wouldn't be easy either way. But it could be done.

Currently, I am trying to do the same thing. I have a passport and driving license application form sitting next to me ready to fill out with my new details. It should even identify me as female. Once I get them back my plan is to apply for every job I can find.

That is me throwing myself into the deep end, because work scares the hell out of me right now, due to previous experiences. I've had these forms for a week now. I want more than anything to fill them in. You know what stops me? I need pictures. I could go and get pictures easily. But I worry I won't look female enough and I'll be stuck with that picture for YEARS. It makes me sad.

I need to get over that. I'm telling you about it, because I don't want you to sit there and think that something you are struggling with is actually really easy and you're just bad at things.

 

To be honest, if I was reading my posts then I would probably agree with you about my mum and my family. It just feels like I'm the bad one and not them I think it's because I don't feel like I really care about them like I should. All I feel towards them is anger and before that, apathy. I am looking for someone to blame for my problems and rather than blaming myself I am probably forcing the blame onto them. My mum says I seem to have a selective memory. Apparently I was happy before I realised I was trans and I just don't remember it. But my version of events is totally different. I would be lying if I said I had never been happy in my life but was I really truly happy? Not really. I need to break out of this and I'm the only one that can change things. I just need the guts to do it.

 

I think it's because I don't feel like I really care about them like I should.

WHY should you? Because they are 'family'?

Imagine they were just random people you knew. Imagine your mother was in fact MY mother. Imagine my mother came and told you that you were a girl really. That you are mentally ill. That you need to wear make-up. That nobody would ever love you because you're not girly enough and you could never be enough of a man to satisfy someone. Imagine every time you saw my mother she took the piss out of your clothes and appearance.

Imagine MY mother said those things. Would you care about her?

No you damn well wouldn't. You wouldn't give my mother the time of day. So why does your mother deserve your love and care? Because she gave birth to you?

We spend far too much time focussing on people that don't deserve a place in our hearts just because they are we share a relative.

Why waste your time trying to accept people as THEY are (abusive and cruel) when they won't accept you for who YOU are (male).

My mum says I seem to have a selective memory. Apparently I was happy before I realised I was trans and I just don't remember it.

Who is 'you'? You or your mum. Who experiences your experiences, feels your feelings.

YOU do. Not your mother, not me, not the man down the road. YOU.

She doesn't get to decide if you were happy and more than you get to decide if SHE is happy. You might have 'seemed' happy, shown as happy, hell you might have actually BEEN happy, but the only person who ever gets to say that you FELT that way is you.

If you told your mother that she clearly feels like a bigot, a tranphobe, an anti-femenist and must also feel significant self-esteem issues and that she has a selective memory which is why she doesn't realise it, how would she take it? Would she roll over and go DAMN RIGHT I HATE MYSELF AND ALL WOMEN. Fuck no. Yet she tells you that you NEED to wear make-up or you'll never find someone? That doesn't scream confident woman to me.

 

You're right. I wouldn't care about someone who treated me like that and nobody would expect me to care about them either - but only if they weren't family.
The fact that my mum is my mum means that I am expected to care but I just feel too hurt and too damn angry.

I've just been looking for work and was feeling in a more positive frame of mind but then I caught sight of myself in the mirror and thought 'Who is going to employ this? I look disgusting.' It hurts so much that being transsexual, because I am not what society considers 'handsome' or 'beautiful' I am made to feel so unattractive and unlovable.

 

From what you've said about your mother I'd say that it verbal/emotional abuse. I know you're taught to show love, respect and all the rest to your family but if instead of words and behaviour it was violence? While that might sound an extreme comparison but they can have the same traumatic effects on a person, at least with physical you have visible signs of it. I've heard a story of someone who until their husband actually hit them even though he'd been saying that he is doing all he can to not hit her long before then she didn't realise it was abuse.

 

The fact that my mum is my mum means that I am expected to care

Why? By who? Who expects this...does SHE expect this?

By that same token, you are her child. If you have a duty of care towards her as she is, does she not have a duty of care for YOU as YOU ARE.

Personally, I don't believe I have a duty of care to anyone. I have a duty to care for everyone. The only reasons people stand out more to me is if they have earned it.

But if that doesn't work for you, then you are left with two options.

1. Duty of unconditional care
2. Duty of conditional care.

In the first, you have a duty to care for and love your family no matter how they are. That means accepting that your mother is an awful, horrible bigoted person and loving her anyway. Without trying to change her, because that is how she is.

By that token she has a duty to care for and love YOU despite being trans and different to how she imagined you would turn out. If the duty of care is unconditional she should treat you with love, care and respect no matter how different you might be.

On the other hand you have option 2. The conditional duty of care. In this instance there are conditions to love and care. Specifically, you love and care for your mother but you don't love the bad parts of her.

With conditional duty of care you can choose to try and alter the parts you don't like about her, but you must accept the idea that she can do the same.

Alternatively you can accept the idea that these things make it impossible to show love and care, and accept the same from her. This effectively ends the tie between you.

As I said, I have no love for the term 'family'. I love my family dearly and I am concerned with how they take things. One of my key struggles at the moment is knowing exactly how people feel about my existence. I have no time for people who will not accept me for who I am, nor do I have any desire to make them 'humour' me. If they don't like who I am they are free to do so, but I want no part of it.

But again, that is my personal view and not one I expect you or anyone else to share or appreciate. I merely offer it as example.

 

My mum expects that I should care about her, as do the rest of the family. And society tells us we should care for our parents. In cases of physical or sexual abuse from parents, then of course nobody would expect a person to love and care for their parents but if it is emotional abuse - verbal comments, unfair expectations, even just a 'look' of disapproval - etc - then it's a tricky situation. How do I know that I'm not just being over sensitive? (as I am forever being told). My sister reminds me all the time that people have a right to an opinion so if they don't accept transsexuals they are entitled to their prejudices.

I have recently come to realise that my parents are the way they are and nothing will change them. I'm not just talking about how they are in relation to me but their behaviour in general. However, this realisation doesn't make it any easier to care about them unconditionally. It just causes me pain.

 

AAARGH I just need to vent out some anger. It's been eating me up all day. Thing is I don't really know what I'm angry about. My parents have been arguing again last thing last night and first thing this morning. Maybe it's them I'm angry with. I just don't know I went for a walk to try and clear my head and shift the anger but it hasn't really helped. I saw someone I used to work with and caught myself trying to pretend I didn't see them. I'm so scared. Soon I am going to have to start going out of the house dressed as a man and people are going to notice. I am terrified of them finding out.