Good evening, all. I have some questions, but I have a feeling I'll word them wrong, so please bear with me. I was born with all of the usual XX type anatomy (which only got worse after puberty hehe). I have what one might call a reasonably feminine face and other morphological features associated with high levels of estrogen (heavy chest, .7 waist-to-hip ratio, etc.). But the more time I spend thinking about gender, the more I realize that I simply do not understand it. I understand that my cis friends have bodies that match what they feel and that my non-cis friends don't have that luxury. I see the pain it causes them, but I can't understand it really. I am pretty much indifferent to my own gender. I've been called a girl and I call myself a girl because that's how people see me, but I have no real attachment to the term. If people called me a boy, I'd go with it (it's happened before). I tend to be attracted most of the time to more "girly" things, but I don't understand why they're classified as such. I get the usefulness of biological sex in a medical context, but I have no use for gender. The concept simply doesn't resonate with me. I suppose my real question is this: Is it worth it for me to identify myself as anything other than the "girl" people see, or would doing so belittle the real emotional distress experienced by people whose physical characteristics cause them discomfort/pain? I hope I phrased all of that clearly. Please ask me for clarification if you need to.
Do yourself a favour and ignore the trans community for a moment. You can worry about our feelings later! Ask yourself this. Do you care? Essentially what you've described is indifference to gender norms. There are a couple of labels I could try and apply to this if I felt inclined to, but DO YOU CARE? What I'm getting at, is that trying to convince other people your gender is different to what they see is bloody hard work and very emotionally draining. I don't think I'm over-stepping the mark here by saying that those of us who HAVE decided to make people recognize that our genders are not as they seem did so because we felt we HAD to. Personally, I am pretty sure if I didn't feel that I NEEDED other people to recognize me as a woman, I wouldn't have made it past the first conversation. So do you feel you need to be recognized as something different?
I don't know if I'd say I NEED to be recognized as something else in particular, I suppose I'd rather not be placed in a category at all without putting myself there. I guess that sounds like more of a rebellion than a need hehe.
I think you probably fall into the middle of the gender spectrum, but if you are indifferent, then I would just present however you like, and take whatever pronouns as they come, you know? Like if you go out and people read you whichever way, then go with it, which allows you to express how you feel without any real 'coming out' or anything like that. Just don't worry about it and be yourself.
That's kindof how I've been going about it, but between my face and my build I only ever get "girl/she/her." It doesn't bother me too much, but I'd rather there were at least a little bit of a question, you know? It's just so much effort to make myself look less feminine that it rarely seems worth it.
