Uncertainity and a General Sense of 'I Should Know Something'

I'm going to just take a guess here and assume you are thinking roughly the same thing basically every trans person EVER thinks about transition before they actually DO something about it. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but it comes up so often that I feel it's worth mentioning just in case.

So most people, and I said trans people in the sentence above but actually I guess it is EVERYONE, think of transitioning as one big event. Don't get me wrong, it is BIG, that's not the problem, the problem is that people see it as a 'event' in the first place.

Transition is not an 'event', it isn't something you do. You know, I can tell you the exact date I went full time as a woman, but my transition started LONG before then and I'm not finished now. But a lot of people, when asked, would say that my transition happened when I went full time. Some might say it will happen again when I have bottom surgery.

So instead of that, remind yourself of the following fact. Transition is a term used to describe a million little things you do to make yourself comfortable - it doesn't happen all at once, it isn't an event, and it certainly doesn't have a 'set date'.

Think about it, you like your hair long. For all you know you grew it out because deep down inside you felt feminine. I know I grew my hair long from age what...12? At the time I just didn't like haircuts but how do I know part of me wasn't screaming that I had to do it to be 'me'. I don't. Never will. Point is, I COULD argue that the first part of my transition happened when I first refused a hair cut.

But perhaps we don't like that idea. I mean I cut my hair between now and that first time, I don't remember much dysphoria (other than general self loathing) and I had a beard. So let's throw that one away. How about the first time I noticed cute things and started bringing them into my life through anime? No? How about the first time I put my hair in pigtails? Nah. How about the first time I shaved my body hair. Possibly. What about the first time I wore panties! Could be...could have just been a sex thing. What about the first time I wore a skirt? Could have just been bored. What about the first time I had a dream of my as a girl? Could have just been a random dream!

I could go on like that for a considerable amount of time and it wouldn't necessarily make any more sense. My point is, that I can say a hundred little things I did to experiment with myself. A hundred little things that didn't mean anything necessarily. Things that on their own I could explain away with almost no effort. No lasting consequences, just things I did.

In the process I discovered me.

Now what I'm saying to you is that if you don't want to be wrong you need to explore yourself. As you quite rightly point out, there is no point in coming out to people now if you're not at least fairly certain you're not going to turn around in a month or so and ask what they hell you were thinking.

There are little things you can do to explore who you are inside. Little things you do because you think they will make you more comfortable.

I named a few. Like the first time I wore panties. You know why I bought them? Because I have, for whatever reason, held them in incredibly high regard my entire life. Honestly the idea that they are fantastic is a very early memory. Yet I've never had contact with them. Eventually I bought some and it took me months to wear them. When I did, it felt right. Keep in mind, I wore boxer shorts before and never once did I think about how it felt to do so. But this felt RIGHT. Not sexual, but RIGHT. I wondered why it had taken me so long to do so.

I used to put my hair in pigtails all the time, that felt right too. People used to laugh about it, but that was just 'me' and they liked that.

It's little things like that that I thought would make me feel comfortable, I tried them and they did.

I tried wearing a wig while my hair was short because I thought it would make me feel comfortable. IT DIDN'T. It felt fake and horrible. I've not worn one since.

Experiment where you can. If it makes you feel comfortable, try it. If it works, great, do it. If not, then ignore it.

Worry about needing to come out when you're sure its necessary to do so.

 

As always, Holly has gotten it right. Transition is a slow process, and it doesn't require others to know until you feel comfortable and ready for them to know.

My one piece of advice regarding working out if you are/aren't, is don't analyse your past. Memories are subjective and have multiple interpretations. And whatever you do, don't compare. No person's experience is the same as anothers.