opinion on my feelings? very confused but feels right

hi its been about 3-4 weeks since i cant deal with my self just emotional i always beena atracted to girly objects and i always felt wrong or somethibg missing i had a decent hilhood till my mom passed awasy when i was 8 but i do remember tryin her clothes on i was always obidient never really a revel did chores after my mom passed awY and my dad abondon me and my sister i got really depressed but somehow manage to to br able to supress my feeling an be able to live as a third view of me diasosiaction withmyself. but i alwayway been atracted to womens clothing and apparalel i girls were never my interest but i feel more of envy toward them due to how pretty they dressed and im not very expressie as a male i had decent grades in school but never satisfied always kept myself busy on my sophmore year i got really depressed and lost it gradss drop to fs counseling help but i would stay up to dress as a girl and do homeworks dress as a girl because it felt normal to me and it wasnt a sexual feeling but felt more who i was once i dress up for halloween fully wig heels and etc i have to admit i was really happy because i felt i could express myself but the following day i had to fake being girly because there was just so much pressure on me from my family because i dress up for a hallown party to for the crosscountry team but that a feeling that i question like gut feeling just feels right and ur able to express whp u are and u no lo ger feel stressedor co fused but i had to suppress it becuase of familywoulnt get off my ass qnd would make rude comment wheres ur boyfriend and etc i did grow out my hair in college and would use my hair in a bun withmybangs i really like it and doing my own hairstyles as long i wouldnt ge to mich attention basicly i kept dressing secret till now i was in. one year realationship i was happy but i think it was mostly because i felt loved i wasnt aloner the feeling went away for 3 months and started dressing again and ialways felt like not belonging and i look at women not for sex but forwho they really are andi van communicated bettter with women than men i feel i dont fit a mans role andanother thing when i would shower i would stare at my genitalia and put a side as if it disapeard didnt have a discomfort with it never did but never really see appint i did masturbate because it would relased mu stress mentally and i alwasy speak softly and people tell me speak up i had good runningcarrer up to college after i lost running i been amess and just going to motions and about 2 months ago i really started to expressmy self dress inprivate since i live on my own and just feels right and continued and and got to the poing were a real strong feelingcame up and i belive i suffered from gender dysphoria all my life but since i locked my emotion till recently and go. to the point i came out to my sister and lloking more into gender dysphoria it makes sense why i feelthe way i feel since i was never able toenjoy much and finish anything and alway with the meh feeling not just that but im a very caring. person listen before talking i honestly feel more feminime than i will be masculine i hared rough sports or gender related sport i just wouldnt fit i and i findmyself being able to express myself more as a woman than a man:bang: plus i just being an emotional mess to the point i being so stress i just want to ended i have triend killing the feminie side of me but instead got stronger qnd my dysphoria seem to be less when im dress and and just being me but i got to thr poing i was just blunt to mysister about my issue because i know im not a crossdresser since i dont have sexual urges . i ahave some fantasies of just being love i never looked for sex i was a virgin till a year ago that i was with my girlfriend i wasnt really i terested in sex and im finding since i let my sel go more i act more feminime because even during high shool i found i was correcting myself constently i would confuse my self ehen talking for example intead of of using malculine word towardmyself i will say feminime one but i woul quickly correctmyself and i always wish i would be normal like evryone else and at time becore i would go to sleep i wish i woke up the other gender as if there a disconection betwwen my mind and body and how fun it would be if i can just be seen as a girl for even one day i always ended up looking like a tomboy since it was kind of inthe middle and i have verylittle frinds since i could realate with most one thing i did notice is that im so much more enrgetic when im beign myself too came out to two people already and felt right hoping to see therapist soon:bang:

 

because i cane out to to people but the starnge part is that i guess now for about two weeks i been living two separate lives work just how they know me an play along anfeel wrong but once im home im myself ad pfetty much dress and are my self withing my home safe boundries before i figure out how will i deal with my situation but the truth is there is no easy way out and im going to hit a brick wall hard and im just afraid due to the fact thats when i will be the most vonuarble just very uneasy and im just hoping i dont loose family becasue that would really hurt me since i dont have mih family

 

i cotacted a gender therapist today im going to try to set up an appointment next week each session is 125 but im really uneasy even i feel i know where im heading just kind of atill figting my own acceptabce but i accept that something does need to change and there is thigs to fix in my life in oder to be happy but personally i now consider myself more female ii een havin. a few aahh ha moments and not longer afraid to express my self aroubd my sister im really happy she there even though i have to ease ger in the therapist says she has 5 years working with transgender clients but i need to be more grounded before i really take a step foward and understandjng my past a vit more wich in my opinion my past hasnt muh to do since i let go of my grudeges and forgave the people who hurt me and since i started to dress and not longer hold feelings in even though i can crys hours at a time but feel really good tp express myself and my feelig my sister took me shoping that really brough a smile to my face i been a basket case lately but i feel better and more accepting towards myself i always been on my own since i never had guidance from ny uncle or aunt and km just trying to be going to the motion i want to be able to put energy jbto sometjing and aconplish something in life. but i feel in a sense im finally gaining ckntrol of mylife aince im no longer running a way from my problems like i aaid the advantage is that i live on ny own so it will make it easiervin that sense but i still have to seal eith the externals an discriminuaton i kbow for a fact if i do transition which i really do feel mostlikely happen since i do feel more grounded as a woman and i know i will never be able to be 100 percent like normal girls but i can say this at least i be able to live withmyself if this never went away its who i am and my persona i dont like performing suh as deag and dont consider myself a crossdresser but definaltly goin. to see a therapist in a week or two and im actually kind of excited that i feel that im actually thinkjng straigh for once and there little doubt but ur mind constant ly confusing u since u were acostumd a nother way growing up and a certain gender steereo type but i have to admit this felt dam good to come out i have that feeling of expanding and just living as myself but i just need to be a little better ground before any bigger step but i aint broken and i aint crazy i know that an that make ne feel alot better about myself im a helthy person no drugs or bad habit respecul and definayly dont drink even though i can be an adrenaline junkie at time mtb riding lol thank so muh for replying ill keep updating this tread if anything new happenbut feel weird dressing normal guys clothes a naked feeling i wear a hoodie to cope with that and im getting a bit braver i wear maskera everyday nowfeel weird and i still feel trap and as if im still held back and clusterphovib as far as expressing my self but for me i feel i have taken a very important step in my life thank so much ill keep this tread updated have a great day =)(*hug*)

 

thank you ill will defenitaly give that a try specially skinny jeans luckily i dont have a huge foot or too tall im about 5,6 and my shoe size 8-8.5 in wemons 9-9.5 maybe 8.5 but hat well definaly try =) ill prob atick to sleves on cardigans and im akiny prob about 130-140 lbs skiny belly but i nee to purchace and underbust corset to wear ubder

 

will try =)

 

you guys have helped me alot and i relized alot of things im tired of pleasung other and having to be someone im not im really happy i foubd this place has help me tons and if i dont have a plan or my future someone will andsince i came out to my ssister an the other family member i feel more authintic and i find ny self more at peace im hoping to go out with my sister sometime this week somehere far from hone see if in pasaable i have to try to jump out of the nest =) im goingto ttrt to book the terapist for friday also but my confidence has improved evn though i still get really depressed at time im just happy my journey start to a etter me howerever the outcome might be imbiust going to be myselfvi feeel people around me already noticed a change but havent commente on it the therapist ask me an interstin question if i had a name that i like to go by im sill not sure about that one but i really feel im on the right path for once jn my life thank again anything new ill keep updating the tread

 

thank u and will try to make the bet of those 50mins neevous though i havennt seen a counselor or therapist since high shool jut going to open up and let my mind talk and my geelings thank tons for the support ill post what happen on friday night i also excited bought a noce demin skirt on ebay cant wait till delivery =)(&&&)(!)

 

first session at the therapist i can say went well due the money spent but i really do feel that i took a huge step into ensuring my well being mentally an physicaly j havr to admit that talkjng to someone that justvkeeps acknoleging is abit weird but required to transition an i can fixed a few issues along the way i have another seesion the 21st im just happy its friday i can relax stressful day at work i work in a vitamen manufactoring company but i have few more support groups availible now so its good im goin to use all my resources since now time is an issue due to my age im 27 its alittle late to possibly transition but its better than doing it at 50 and regreting it i really do feel im coming more withing harmony within myself and who i am since im not agrassive i do pretend at time to keep people away since i hate attention but would neer hurt other i care about others well being before me so i really do hope to get alwtter of referal to start hrt and see how that goes for 3 months since that the trial period before it can take full permenant effect but im willing to chasethat down if that wat i feel rather than think or go through the motions btw i tried saying that im female looking at the mirror out loud took a few tries but it came out and honestly brough a small grin and a warm good feeling but i feel as thatvperson inside me is who i am i just dont let it bei really good at suppressing emotions. im bo longer goin to suppress emptions regarless what comes out lol but i really feel a gut feeljng that feel right to transition i reallyvdo fee ill be more balance and happier as a female i came yo a reazation that im who i am and im going to love myself for who i am f it people dot like it well thry not supoorting me so why should i worried but i do have a feeling really strong gut feeling that only gets stronger that i meed to come out i know im gojg to get caught by other because eventually someone will notice a difference in me specially if ur amiling more and expressing urself more just the thing that gets to me its that i feel im going to hurt my ex and i do have feeling for her but i just want her to be happy too i never like or ever used someone to get something i did helped her out alot too always there for her but she kept pushing me away but we haventreally talk or aeen eachother since oct last year she pretend to chwat on me would ifnore me always try to justified u woul always made excuses about moing in luckily i didnt get her prefnant that would have made my life insanely more conplicated she wa the first girl i ever had but i think the feeling are confusing jn the sence that i bonded with her since i thinked alike women mentally but when i had to make the move i couldnt be cade my manly hood aint exacly manly i like womens clothing and i feel female plus i never been attracted to straight porn but i used to watch tranny porn or gay porn but i said before i can careless about my orientatoon i need to fix my life first or at lest start heading the roght direction indid notice since i came out to my sister j do act more feminime without thinking the way i grab drinks sit and walk i enjoy wakling in tiptoes like walkin in heels i ha a mini milestone about a week ago too i walk to the parking lot to get something from the car and back well my soster was getting a panic attack but i care less if they caught me since felt natural that pretty much what happen in this week im going to the firtsupport group in a week to find other inthe same or similar situation (*hug*)(&&&):help:any simmilar expiriences

 

im just going to keep the ball rolling aee where it leads seemtight feel right i need to go buy some skinny jeans this weeken =) and get my ears pierce looking forward to it thank you for the support strange ly i feel alot better about my self gotta keep digging deeper k cant wair to try to see if im passable that wiuld boost my self steam a bunch