Okay, so really bad week! Not just today! I don't know what's causing this to resurface all of a sudden. Those of you who don't know me, I am genetically female and I started to transition last year but I was forced to stop. That's all I really want to go into that, but just know that it was not by choice! If it were up to me I would be passing as a male by now. (I had to stop nearly a year ago) Anyway, I've been able to cope with it because the risk involved in transitioning out weighed the relief. But lately, I've been feeling like utter :***:! I went to get my hair cut since short hair wasn't that big of a deal and the woman gave me a femme cut which really pisses me off. And now I"m noticing people calling me "her" and "she" more often than I normally would. It's really getting under my skin! I know that I have to wait a good many years before I can transition (And by then I hope that it's not too late for me to feel fulfilled :icon_sad How can I push the real me back inside where he came from?! I really don't want these feelings to resurface right now when I've been trying so hard to hide them. What should I do? =(
For me it's always there, despite me choosing not to come out to anyone about it yet, in fear of all the negative things that would come with transitioning for me. Basically, I just like to abide by the rule "humans are humans", which kind of puts me at ease, knowing that whether I'm called "she" or "him" by anyone else, I'm still a human, and we're all pretty much the same. I still ACT the same, and LIKE the same things as I would were I seen as male by my friends and family, except I'm doing it with a different body. Who really cares? We only live once, so the less we dwell upon our insecurities, the more we can try to get out of life. Basically, I try to put my gender identity on the back burner and not care what anyone else thinks.
I agree with what Tetra said. If you want to try and suppress these feelings, then find some distractions, that's always helped me. Do something you really enjoy, whether that's drawing, writing, hiking, etc just do it, and while you do it don't think about how your body is wrong. There's more to you than just being trans, you are a human just like everyone else. Just be YOU and don't worry about how others see you.
Thank you, and I completely agree. I think that what has brought these feelings back up is that I'm starting a new job where I am required to "look my best" and that includes having a feminine hair cut, and wearing feminine clothes. They already made it clear that "cross-dressing" is not allowed (how rudely they put it) If I didn't need this job so badly, I wouldn't take it for that very reason.
Seriously?! Wow. Can you wear like a woman's pant suit or something? Or does it have to be a dress/skirt and so on. I can see why these feelings would flare up though, that really sucks. :< But one day you can find a new job that doesn't have a dress code so strict!
Hopefully, one day, that becomes the case. I will be allowed to wear a pant suit but for me, it still doesn't feel right. I still feel like I am compromising too much...
