I'm going to start by saying I wasn't planning on making a thread about this. I make a crap ton of threads already, and figured I'd be able to sort this out on my own. But this has quickly spiraled to a slightly crazy point, and I'm really hoping the wonderful people of EC shall be able to help me out. Prepare for a long post... I started to seriously question my gender when I joined this site, to be honest. I saw all these stories about what it felt like not to be in the right body, and did all this deep thinking. I'm kinda girly, but figured it was possible for me to be something different internally rather than externally. Right now though, I'm completely and utterly lost. I wouldn't be surprised if my past has anything to do with this now; when I was little, I really wanted to be one of the boys. I felt bad for my dad, who had a wife, two daughters, and a female cat. I tried my hardest to be the son he didn't have. I dressed like a tomboy, and usually hated dressing up with a burning passion. Dresses and skirts were icky. When my friends in elementary school talked about how they wanted little daughters of their own, I only wanted a son, so we could play baseball rather than with barbies, and my classmates all thought I was nuts. One day in fourth grade, I was wearing a pink shirt my mother had essentially forced me to wear. I was talking about how much of a tomboy I was, when a girl looked at me, laughed, and told me "Tomboys don't wear pink." So, I tried to bury the fact that I was ever a tomboy, and tried really hard to be the best girl. My wardrobe changed pretty drastically two years ago. I actually started putting effort into finding clothes, rather than just comfy things that covered everything. I love all my skirts and dresses and sweaters. I even became the "Flower Girl" at school, because I have a collection of flower clips I wear in my hair almost every day. Either that, or I tie my hair back with a ribbon. Then, I got into cosplay for a brief period of time, and crossplayed a lot. I loved it, I loved running around as a boy and having all these girls fall in love with me (I was dressed as Alois Trancy after all). So even though I seemed pretty girly, on the inside, the idea of being kinda masculine was appealing. Button up shirts that don't hug my boobs? Binding? Beanies to hide my hair? Sign me up! But at the same time, what I wanted to dress as didn't seem to match what I was feeling internally (basically, I'm submissive and relatively female in my head, but I wouldn't mind looking cute as either gender). I only confided these thoughts to a few people. The first was my girlfriend, who had told me she identifies as being kinda genderfluid. I let her know that I'd questioned my gender as of recently, and it was making me an anxious, panicky mess. We were going through almost the same experience, and I figured she was someone I could lean on for support. It was almost funny, considering she dresses more masculine on a regular basis, and I dress pretty femme, yet we both weren't 100% of our genders. Sadly, as some of you might know, she broke up with me about two weeks ago. Panicked and depressed, I told a few of my other friends about my gender debate. Apparently I really confused them, because the next day my friend came into our little meeting place at school in the morning, and the first thing she did was practically scream "HEY! Are you going trans now?!" I tried to reply humorously, saying "NO. I DON'T WANT A PENIS." She asked me if I was genderfluid, and I couldn't answer her, because I still don't know. But I did mention wanting to try and add some more masculine clothes to my wardrobe, dressing a little bit more masculine, maybe even doing a combination of masculine and feminine clothes for some outfits. They seemed to be pretty supportive, even if they think I'm just experimenting (which I kinda am, but just the thought of them viewing it like that makes me cringe, not sure why). This all would have happened sooner, except for the fact I'm terrified. Crossplay was one thing, but this seemed to cross some invisible line. I asked my mother if we could go shopping sometime for guys shirts, and she almost cried. I tried to explain that I wasn't trans and was keeping all my old stuff, but she hardly listened. So, I asked my friends if we could go on a trip to the mall and go shopping for guy stuff together, so I wouldn't have to deal with my mother. They agreed, and sometime next weekend we're going to meet up. One of us is going to get a girly makeover, and I'm going to get a boy makeover. I'm not sure how it'll all turn out, but something tells me it'll be an interesting experience. I explained to them how I basically just want to look cute as either gender, even if I still mostly feel like a girl (or sometimes a weird mix) on the inside. Still, I don't know how my parents will react, or my sister. Heck, even some of my friends seemed pretty uncomfortable with the idea of me cross-dressing. I also don't want people to tell me I'm just copying my ex-girlfriend. Thus, I'm really conflicted. In the end, I'm just hoping someone could give me some direction. I realize nobody can truly determine my sexuality except for me, but I'd at least like some help. I don't feel trans, but I certainly don't feel totally cis. I can't talk a lot about this to my friends, because all they do is tell me "You can be whatever you want to be!" when I'm asking what they think I might be because I truly don't know. Anything in terms of advice would be really appreciated. Frankly, I thank any person who made it this far through this rant! :3
Similar problems myself, actually, but I think I can help. It seems to me like you aren't trans. You don't want to transition so you're physically male. You seem comfortable enough with physically female parts. I personally think you might be somewhere under the genderfluid umbrella. It all depends on what you want to do. Do you want to bind your chest, wear boy clothes, and either hide or cut your hair? If so, how much of the time? Forget other people, do you want to appear as a boy sometimes and a girl others? Use these questions and definitions of different genders to determine who you are. If you think you are genderqueer or trans, the Coming Out forum can help you deal with family who might not support you. It'll be tough, but worth it. :3 Oh, and thanks. I think I have a clearer idea of my gender now.
You could be genderfluid, or a cross dresser. It doesn't sound like you're trans to me either. I figure since you're OK with your physical body and the female aspects you recognize in yourself then you're possibly Cis. It sounds like your masculinity has mostly been a role you've played and that you simply enjoy male clothing and the responses it can get. Go buy some guy shirts and don't worry about it. Style yourself however you feel depending on the day.
It sounds to me like you just enjoy different forms of gender expression rather than questioning your gender identity. You could be gender fluid. I have to admit I don't know much about non-binary and how that feels. Do you feel that you are more than one gender? Or is it just wanting to express yourself in a more masculine way at times?
Thanks for the responses guys! I think the main argument is whether or not this is just an interest in cross dressing or if I'm genderfluid. What I've noticed lately is that it seems to swing every now and then. Like one day, I was wearing a long skirt and button up shirt (part of a costume), and was talking about how cute I looked with my friends. A few hours later, I really wanted to wear just the shirt and suspenders or something more masculine, and felt pretty uncomfortable. Either way, if it was just cross dressing, I feel like I wouldn't be so uncomfortable talking about it, lord knows I've talked about cross play with complete strangers before. But now, it seems more personal. Does that make any sense? :S
I'd go with genderfluid on that, but if that doesn't sound right to you then maybe it's just crossdressing interest. I know I get sort of like that sometimes. I'll feel like a girl at one point and then a few hours later I'll wish I had short hair and people all thought of me as a boy.
