Hi, so I have been stalking this board for months and have until now been too nervous to post. But everyone here seems so incredibly kind, supportive, and knowledgable so I figured it is worth a shot. A simple way to say it is I have a ton going on right now that no one knows about and as much as I wish I could figure it all out on my own and support myself without help from anyone else, I don't think I can. So i'm here, seeing if someone else understands. I started questioning my gender about 9 months ago. It was a shock to me, I had never thought about it before. It also was not something I came to lightly. Whenever the thoughts would first cross my mind I did everything in my power to avoid them. I was incredibly ashamed to even be thinking about it. Then, when they started getting louder, I thought maybe if i just sit down and think it through I will realize its not as scary or overwhelming as I think it might be. However, it ended up triggering a severe depression, constant anxiety, and 9 months of suicidal thoughts. I tried to talk to one friend about it, but that backfired and we are now not even speaking. (For more reasons than me talking about gender, but it was still connected.) I ended up losing my job, my social life, and any connections to friends who aren't conservative and judgmental. I keep feeling like if I am actually questioning where I fall whether transexual, non-binary, or even cis, I can't show any emotions or ask for help as that would immediately mean I am female. I know that logic is incredibly messed up, however, it is thoughts like that that stay with me day in and day out. I started wearing all mens clothes, binding my chest (even though it is relatively flat to begin with), wearing less make up, and cut my hair. It felt incredible at first. I was so confident. But when I lost my friends who were more accepting and actually really supportive of the changes they saw me making, was when I started to spiral. I hate to say it but i am incredible lonely. Im an extrovert with no understanding friends and a bad case of anxiety or what may be dysphoria. I have spent the last few months mostly just sitting in my apartment alone trying everything to feel better and convince people nothing is going on. I spend hours every day looking up blogs on gender and effects of hormones, watching all the videos I can find, reading books on feminism and gender theory, following male fashion blogs, and hoping that maybe one day i will find a story or article that says exactly how I feel and I will be able to know for sure what the hell I am or why I am feeling all of this. So here is where I am standing. I live in a very liberal and accepting city but only know conservative and judgmental people I want to make new friends but am so anxious because of this gender stuff that I can't seem to let anyone in I am wearing all mens clothes and binding and go between feeling confident in it, to being incredibly ashamed, to hating the way the fit and the way my body looks in them (and wondering if the fact that I am anxious about wearing mens clothes means Im not something other than cis after all) Im having panic attacks about twice a week I've been suicidal for a long time now and have come close multiple times Im so ashamed to be having those suicidal thoughts/anxiety/depression/panic attacks. Being so emotional triggers even more gender questioning and doubt. I told my therapist this and she was been very un-supportive and quite hurtful in this process And now spring is here and I have no clothes to wear that I feel comfortable in and since my parents have had to start helping me out since I lost my job I barely have money for food let alone clothes. And I can't explain to them how important it is for me to have them. I need to get a job to pay rent and yet cant without having panic attacks and worrying about whether the job will trigger even more for me to deal with. Im scared if i go to a support group right now at the local queer center I will start balling my eyes out like every other time I try and talk about this and having them see that is the very last thing I would want. I know logically, that I have nothing to be ashamed of. That with the combination of circumstances and things I have been through in my life that the fact that I am here writing this and kind of letting myself explore this is HUGE. Or at least, that is what I would tell someone else who has the same or similar story as I do. However, giving myself that love and support has proved to be very difficult. I am really scared to start talking about any of this even online. Any time I try and talk about it in person I start to dissociate and usually get incredibly emotional and end up stuffing it back down to try and get through. I don't know where to go or what I can do to feel better. I contacted a new therapist today and am going to try and get on some medications with my doctor to help with the anxiety, but my doctor has no clue i'm dealing with any of this. My parents know how depressed I am and because they don't know either, just think i'm losing my mind and am having a mental breakdown. And maybe I am. So I'm here, saying all of this to the internet because maybe just being open will be a bit of a release. And maybe, I can have some friends on here who get it, who understand, who don't think i'm just a mess. Maybe if I can be open while anonymous I can work towards being open in real life in whatever way that may be.(*hug*) If you read all of this I want to thank you with everything I have. Even if you don't reply or are just reading all the posts like I have been and searching or trying to understand, thank you. (*hug*) I hope all of you have a wonderful night, you really deserve it.
I'd like to give you a hug! I'm happy for you finding a new therapist if your old one was doing more harm than good! You're not alone and the world is a better place with you in it, so hang in there! Your anxieties, shame, loneliness, and depression are not unique to you. They ring a bell for me and I'm sure many other members of this community, so we are all here to act as support and give you a digital hug whenever you're feeling down! Thee are a few things I do when I'm feeling particularly bad, so maybe they could help you to? One thing I do is go on a walk. Your little location thingamajig (what do you call the little blurb under the avatar? Do you just say 'blurb'?) it says you are a West-coaster, which I grew up on It can be really beautiful out there and its starting to warm up and be sunny, so when you feel like you're turning your room into a den, set your watch or phone alarm for an hour, and go walk around outside or do whatever until the alarm goes off. A little bit of fresh air and sunlight goes a long way, even if you aren't feeling it with your clothes. I also like to sing. Its a great way for me to relieve stress and channel my emotions, so if its something you enjoy, why not give it a try? I also hate crying in front of people. I can count on one hand with fingers to spare the number of people who have seen me cry in the last five or six years. But it's good to let your emotions out. I'm sure a lot of other people who go to your local queer center have similar experiences with bottled up emotions, and won't hold anything against you. You also don't have to open up and say everything at once. It's fine to just tell them what you feel comfortable sharing when you feel comfortable sharing it! My short rant about crying being a weak and womanly thing: I can also tell you, after spending a year studying and translating classical Japanese literature that it is perfectly manly to cry. The classic tale "Ise Monogatari" has many scenes of manly tears. At one point the protagonist cried so strongly from homesickness that he rehydrated his dried rice! And he is considered a prime example of a man in Japanese literature whom many other characters have been based off of, even influencing the "Tale of Genji". So cry all you want, and don't feel ashamed or embarrassed! I don't have the expertise to give you career or financial advice, but know I'm rooting for you! What do you enjoy doing? I can't afford a lot of new or different clothes either, so sometimes I tell myself I'm cross dressing and that puts me in performance mentality so I can be confident in clothes I might not have otherwise felt comfortable in. It sounds a bit strange, but what I'm trying to say is play with your perceptions of what you are wearing or your approach to thinking about things that make you unhappy. Sometimes looking at something in a different way makes all the difference (like an optical illusion). I hope this helps you a bit, and I'm grateful you shared your experiences and where you have gone on your emotional journey with everyone at EC!
Hey, to me it seems like you really need to get your feelings over your gender identity sorted out...Since these panic attacks, depression, etc, seem to be linked to it - or at the very least this is stressing you out pretty badly and is getting in the way of you being you, living your life and accomplishing your goals. My advice to you is to get in contact with a gender therapist. I'm sure you know about em, they are psychologists who specialize in transgender folks. This person will be able to help you figure out your feelings in a way that should make you feel safe and accepted. Reaching out for help is (in my opinion) what you need to do most. If you keep going down the road you're going you could really get in a bad place. I'm wishing you the best! Good luck!
Manta- I cannot tell you how happy your post made me. I tried going for a walk and your'e right it does help a lot. I also sing and play guitar so i've been doing that too. But I really cannot thank you enough for how supportive your message was! It is so nice to be able to just come here and know i'm not alone. Opture- I finally contacted a gender therapist this week. I am hoping to meet with her this coming week and both nervous and excited. She seems absolutely incredible and specializes in everything I have going on.
First of all, good job. Keeping things inside will only continue to stress you mentally and emotionally. You have taken the first step to becoming a healthier you. Secondly, get a new therapist. A therapist is a person whose job it is to support you and help you accept and develop into the person YOU wish. Sometimes it takes a few, and each incompatible one is incredibly discouraging, but in the end it is an astonishingly worthwhile investment. Third, make sure your chest bindings are safe. Using home-made rigs aren't usually a healthy alternative, so it's always good to check out products with trusted reviews. Fourth, exercise. I know this is a pretty generic suggestion, but there is a reason it is such commonly prescribed advice. It can make significant strides in helping you cope with your anxiety, as well as your overall stress levels. Fifth, on finding friends, it comes with time. You can't force it, but you can make it a heck of a lot easier by getting out of the house and doing things you enjoy. If you live near a beach, you could go there and strike up conversation with someone. If you have a community center nearby, you should be able to put it to full use. If your community is a rather accepting one, it will probably have a lot of art and or music events, which are great spots to meet others. Lastly, keep reaching out, keep working on getting to know you and being who you want. Don't let bad influences stop you from developing as a person. There are always going to be individuals to bring you down in all aspects of your life. Get up, brush yourself off, and leave them behind. No one should be in your life who makes you so unhappy you feel suicidal.
I can totally relate! I've been questioning my gender for the past year and a half now, and it's still not getting any easier for me to figure myself out. I'm still really confused, and I'm ashamed. I'm scared to talk to anyone about it. The only ones who know are my boyfriend (who I've been dating for a year and ten months) and my therapist. I haven't had the nerve to try talking to anyone else yet. I even have a trans friend in real life, so you'd think that would be a good person to talk to. But I'm too scared to talk to him...and even though my boyfriend knows and has known the whole tie, I'm still a bit embarrassed to tell him all the details. Because it IS embarrassing. It really shouldn't be, but in our society, it kind of is. It wouldn't be so bad, but I'm still not entirely sure what I am. I keep doubting myselfad second guessing everything. And I'm soon scared to come out because my dad's really religious and anti LGBT. And the rest of my family and the people in my area aren't that tolerant of the LgBT community, especially trans people. And I've dealt with depression too, still am. And this gender stuff isn't helping. So I know how you feel. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here!
I really hope the new therapist is more supportive. I can tell you that you have people here to talk to, but for an extrovert, I know that will only help so much. Definitely make yourself go to a support group, or even just a social function at the center. It will help so much, and I promise you are the only one who will tell you it's not ok to cry.
