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Just feeling hopeless and unsure

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Calix, Apr 12, 2014.

  1. Calix

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    I apologise for the long ranty thing ....

    My day has been a mix of good and bad. The good being that me and a close friend saw one of my favorite bands live. But before that there was travelling to London with my parents. Who still refuse to call me by my chosen name/preferred pronouns because they want to wait until I've seen a psychologist and had my being trans 'confirmed' -.- ugh.

    I tried to convince them to at least call me Alex, but they wouldn't hear it. Then in London when I got a chance to speak with my aunt alone she seemed fine with it, though she never used any names/pronouns around me. My uncle and cousin also seem fine with it. I still got no clue what my brother thinks of it all as he has yet to say a full sentence to me since this all started.

    So the concert was great, the band was awesome. But towards the end of the show I started getting chest pains from my binder. This happens occasionally, but got worse since I last put it in the wash and it shrunk (I have ordered a new one, waiting for it to arrive). So at the end of the concert I had no choice but to run to the ladies toilets (cause I still haven't got the guts to go into the guys) and take it off. My friend didn't understand why I was suddenly so quiet and irritable and kept saying stuff like 'it cant be that bad'.

    On the 40 long train trip bk to where my aunt lived I put in my headphones and he stopped talking. I felt bad cause I know I'd ruined his experience as well now, but I couldn't help feeling so shitty and hopeless. I hate my body so damn much. And I just wish I knew how to get my parents to realise this so they'd stop being calling me by my birth name. It's starting to make me wonder if moving bk in with them in September is a good idea. But it's that or get a place on my own. Which in theory I can manage, but financially I'll struggle and tbh I don't want to live alone. I know how I can sometimes get with my depression and I'm worried I'll do something stupid if no one's around to stop me to be blunt.

    Oh, and my friend's attempt to cheer me up was a complete failure. He said I didn't look any different with the binder on. Brilliant confidence boast that ¬.¬

    I don't know what I'm looking for out of this, I just needed to rant.
     
  2. Opture

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    Bro, I'm really sorry to learn you had a rough day. Sometimes it seems like nothing goes your way, I feel your pain. But you have some things to be thankful for! At least you haven't had seriously negative reactions to your coming out, and once you see a gender therapist they'll be able to convince your parents you are who you say you are. It's dumb your parents won't respect your name and pronouns, but at least they aren't kicking you out or disowning you! Your friend just doesn't seem to understand, he's probably trying to be there for you but he's just ignorant about your feelings.

    Could you find a friend to live with? That way you could share costs financially. Maybe you could even find a transguy to live with!

    Well, just know that nothing is permanent, you're so much stronger than you know and I promise you one day you will look back and be amazed at how far you've come and grown. :slight_smile:

    Good luck!
     
  3. Calix

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    I don't know any trans people in person. I have ppl I knew from school who have come out, but they live elsewhere now or are off to uni. There's a chance a friend living with my best friend may move in with her bf, and if she does I might try taking her room at my best friends.

    I'm just hoping I've seen the GIC by September and had them agree so my parents can quit being stupid moo's :dry:
     
  4. BookDragon

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    You literally just saw the mental health team to get your referral to the GIC didn't you? How much more confirmed does it need to get?
     
  5. Calix

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    Not enough according to my dad. He wants a fully qualified psychatrist/gender specialist to confirm it >.>; It's annoying, cause I feel like if i talk to my mum alone, she could be convinced. But my dad makes sure he is always there, and he is always stubborn.

    It's so confusing cause he gives speech that i need to stop thinking about myself and realise how hard it is for them - He think they're losing me and that I'll completely change personality wise when I start hormones. My attempts at telling him this isn't so doesn't work :/ And then he'll turn around and say I need to do what's right for me at the end of the day LIGDBUOFGBOF ¬.¬
     
  6. BookDragon

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    You mean like the kind who work for NHS mental health services?

    "You need to stop thinking about yourself and think about how this affects ME"

    Why does nobody ever appreciate the irony of that statement?

    The thing is, you could change your personality completely RIGHT GOD DAMN NOW if you wanted to. This is something I had to explain to my mum. If I wanted to change who I was, I would have done it by now. She was worried that when I became a woman I would start clubbing and doing drugs and having anonymous sex (because obviously I could get all the sex I want just by putting on a skirt). I told her that if I wanted to be up to my eyeballs in cocaine the only thing stopping me right now (when I was presenting male) was money. If I wanted to do those things I bloody well would.
     
  7. Calix

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    I dunno. it feels like everytime I see my parents now, we're talking about this. And my dad's getting annoyed by it. He says stuff like "I'm just looking for a fight". And when he's blunt with me he'll say "I'm just talking to you like a guy". But he's always spoken to me that way about serious stuff >.>

    By the end of the month my mum is going to tell her parents and then that's it. Everyone pretty much knows. I'm hoping at that point, they'll try. I'm waiting for my letter to arrive tbh. I'm hoping that when I show it to them, they'll maybe realise some stuff. I just wish I knew how to communicate to them how bad my dysphoria is, and how much worse they make just by using my birth name, calling me she and saying things like 'sweetie' and 'darling'. Which is conflicting, since I know those are meant to be endearing terms.
     
  8. Just Jess

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    Young man you have been thinking about what's right for them for most of your 21 closeted years! It really is okay to think about what's right for you. Even as far as what is right for them, what they aren't considering is what it would be like if you continued pretending to be their daughter. Is that right for them? Is dragging where you are right now out right for them?

    They won't even think about it, because they will take literally any option in the world except the one you presented to them. They're scared. You need to be patient with them because of that.

    That said, a lot of us do change when we can finally be ourselves. Having entirely new life experiences does that. A lot of who you are deep down doesn't change, all those things you refused to share with the world, most of those survive. I still love thai and cajun food as much as I always have. I also love my fruity tropical drinks openly now. I make a wicked Mai Tai.

    The thing is, whether you transition or not, you aren't going to be who you are today forever. One way or the other your parents are going to lose that person, to college, or your first few jobs, or to a girlfriend or boyfriend. You just plain became a grown up on them and there's nothing they can do about it.

    So yeah, your dad's right. You really will change on hormones. But that's not a bad thing.
     
  9. BookDragon

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    When you get the report through from the mental health team, read it and consider letting them see it...it MIGHT help, I mean whatever is in it was enough to make them refer you at least.
     
  10. Chuva

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    I think the biggest problem here is the amount of concern you have for the opinions of your parents. It sounds like they do care about you, but that they don't fully understand the extent of your feelings. You should talk to them at length and explain the pain it brings you to hear them misidentify your personal affiliation, as well as fully explaining your feelings and wants. Making demands for a new name and gender role while leaving them with no clear and catered understanding (note these are the people who raised you and spent their time believing to have a cisgender child for over a decade) as to why will only confuse them. Expecting people to be accepting and understanding will often lead to disappointment. You have to give a little to get a little, as frustrating as this situation may be.