feeling detached from birth name as agender?

A few months ago I came out to myself as agender. While I still have this strong feeling that I lack gender, I'm still feeling something somewhat in the fluid area.

No, not like that. I mean like gender fluidity. Though rather I feel more like one name may fit me at one moment, and another at another moment. I'm not sure if these names actually subconsciously fit into some sort of gender, or if I'm just confused on if I want to leave behind my old name.

It's true I feel pretty detached from my birth name, but at the same time I feel like I can't get rid of it. Lately I've been feeling more love towards my middle name, but every once in a while I'll catch myself still being hung up on my birth name. I can't really decide if I want to trash my birth name for good.

Somehow I feel like my name switching somehow links up with some sort of fluidity in gender. Though I identify currently as agender, I feel like I might be a demi-something or other possibly? I know it wouldn't be binary, but I'm not sure how to describe the feeling. I only present how I want to, which are in the clothes I prefer. Which is often enough sweaters, skirts, and dresses. I wear pants when it's cold out, though I don't like doing so.

Since the names are already on my profile, I'll come out with them for an example. Usually now I refer to myself as Celest, 'cause it makes me happier than my birth name, Paige. As Paige, I feel more like a guy, but a guy that likes to wear more femme clothing. Nothing in my presentation changes, but how I feel about myself does. The funny thing is how much I hate the idea of having a dick, yet I still feel like a guy when referred to as my birth name. (Despite being afab?) I think feeling like that might just be a sign I need to let go of that name. Maybe Paige has outlived themself?

I sort of feel like I'm starting over with a new life with my gender. I'm not sure how to interpret my feelings right now. I just want to know if anyone else has had a similar experience when referring to themselves? For the time being, I'm going by Celest online, just so I can get a better grasp on if I'd rather go by it.

 

Oh no, you've read that wrong. Afab means assigned female at birth. I do identify as trans whilst being agender. In my own ways I am transitioning. But, I've decided I'm going to give the name Paige a rest. Though many people will still call me Paige, perhaps I can get a legal name change in the future. I just feel Paige is a name that belongs to the old me now.