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everythingphobic Uncle

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Calix, Apr 16, 2014.

  1. Calix

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    So everyone on my dad's side of the family know - apart from his cousin, uncle J. No one has told him for a very good reason.

    He was the biggest dick ever when my brother came out as gay. He made jokes and side-comments, basically gives him a difficult whenever he's around.

    Now on Sunday, my family is meeting up for a BBQ and he'll be there. While dad won't stop me dressing as I want, he has asked me not to bring up that I'm trans and to let everyone call me my birth name. I get that this is a protection thing. But at the end of the day, he's going to find out.

    Which means he's going to give me shit, and I will deal, same as Alistair.

    But I get that my dad asked me this because he hasn't adjusted enough to accept hearing others call em Alex, and that he doesn't want to see Uncle J give me crap.

    But I can't help wondering if it's also because he feels he wouldn't stand up for me. I know that's silly. My dad will always support and stand up for me. But I wonder if he thinks doing that so soon will be difficult for him.

    To be honest, I want to say screw it and walk straight up to Uncle J and tell him. And then add that I'm bi to top it off. 'Cause hey, his opinion of me doesn't matter at all. And also, I think I may struggle with being called by my birth name and referred to with female pronouns. I know I'll hit a breaking point and need to lock myself away and someone is gonna want to know whats up. It'll probs be my cousin who notices, so far she's my biggest supporter.
     
  2. FancyGummy

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    Hmm... Is the rest of your dad's family supportive? I'd hope that they would give uncle J. a hard time if he gave you a hard time. Even if your dad doesn't help, maybe someone else will.
     
  3. Calix

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    The rest of my family seem okay with it. They support me in the sense that they want me to be happy at the end of the day.
     
  4. BookDragon

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    The thing is, the first time your dad has to stand up for you against someone important to him it's going to be difficult, doesn't matter if it's right now or in 10 years.

    More importantly, your dad isn't defending yours trans-ness he's defending YOU, his child.

    Talk to your dad. Ask him to tell you exactly why he doesn't want it brought up. It's a bit manipulative to say "Are you ashamed of me?" but actually, you have a right to know. As you say he WILL find out eventually.

    If nothing else, telling him now ought to demonstrate how much it actually means to you. You're not wanting to rub it in your uncles face, you just want to be who you are.
     
  5. Just Jess

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    When you figure this one out let me know! I know I say "out to everyone" but I have an uncle in another state who I basically never talk to, that's just as conservative as yours. And I'm not sure I'm ever going to bother telling him.

    I'm not sure what I would do though. I think I would find an excuse not to be at the BBQ at all if at all possible. I probably wouldn't do much better than whatever you end up doing.
     
  6. Calix

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    Even if I avoided this, they'd be something else. We're a very social family and meet up loads of times a year. My cousins are more like siblings to me.
     
  7. Gates

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    It sounds like you need to talk with your dad.
     
  8. Just Jess

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    I get that. You know I have been in some of those situations too, where the people in my life will be all "oh no, we want to protect you". And while sure sometimes I have had things suck, most of the time if I'm cool with who I am and all the people around me are there isn't a problem. It is literally these people that I love thinking the way I used to, that I had better jump through all these hoops or else, that are causing the problem. Their fear makes the bad things more likely to happen.

    I mean, realistically, if everyone were treating you like you, then no, your Uncle probably wouldn't cause a scene. He might try to get away with stuff he passes off as good natured ribbing. But if he were the odd one out he'd just embarrass himself.

    My ex was very afraid to do anything with me as a woman for a long time. There were plenty of times when I'd be terrified to shop for myself and think I had to bring her along. The truth is, it was easier when I went by myself. Just about everything got easier when I started not relying on that kind of social support for everything. I still do when I need it, but I mean, it's there now. My ex has an easier time seeing me as a woman. And I learned, you know, whenever she does this "oh I don't want to see you hurt" routine, that as much as it sucks I just can't rely on anything she has to say one way or the other. The fact is my problems are not going to go away, and I am going to have to take some risks to get past them. There is just no way around that fact. If I shrink away from my problems, they have a history of beating me and sending me back to the closet completely when I do that. And I can't survive in the closet.

    So yeah, I know it's not an option here, but in general I have found I just need to surround myself with people that sure, are not afraid to criticize or bring things to my attention, but when they do it there are rational reasons, you know? Not that animal fear, that your parents and my ex and you and I experience. I can't do anything with decisions made like that, that don't consider the consequences the other way.

    I mean, have your parents really even thought about how uncomfortable and miserable this whole barbeque is going to be until your uncle leaves if you are pretending to be a girl?

    Hey don't sweat it too much if you have to lay low, though. It sucks, but it will also be over and done and behind you. We have all been there and done that.

    Have you talked to your parents though about any long term plans? Just telling them what you told me I mean, about how you can't avoid this and he will have to know eventually. They might try to duck the conversation, and it might even get confrontational. It would probably be a lot less heated after the BBQ than before, without all that pressure.

    It's an honest conversation that I think we can agree needs to happen, if you plan on transitioning at home. That said, it doesn't need to be resolved in your favor. It just needs to happen. So I would avoid trying to "win", you might not be capable of getting them to understand. You need to understand how your parents are really thinking, like for a fact, so you can make your own plans, and know exactly how much you can count on them. And they need to know exactly how much this means to you. They truly do not understand how much the position you are in sucks. To them, you going back to being a woman full time is still a viable option. They don't understand just how much your back is to a wall.

    Really though I just wanted to say in my first post, that when you come out the other side of this, please just forgive yourself and put it behind you. Because again, however you handle this, whatever happens, it's not going to be any better or worse than what any of us would do.

    I know you'll get through this and this stupid BBQ will just be a memory from when you started to transition :slight_smile: And hey who knows, maybe your parents will come around and have your back helping you come out to your uncle. Stranger things have happened.
     
  9. Calix

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    Spoke to my dad about it. He just isn't ready to deal with those comments or have everyone call me Alex. He then threw the whole "don't just think about myself" argument at me. I'm getting really sick of it, because he just huffs when I point out it works both ways.

    He's still hoping when I see a gender specialist they'll say I'm wrong. He refuses to let go of the idea I could still be a girl. He keeps saying things like "There's are women out there who just dress as blokes". Key point being they are women dad. I am a guy >.>;

    Just starting to really lose the will to keep this up with my dad. It's depressing that he doesn't have enough faith in me to believe I know this about myself. He acts like I'm having huge illusions or something, its annoying as hell. At least he's trying to call me Alex now.
     
  10. Calix

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    UPDATE! :slight_smile:

    My dad had a quiet word with my Uncle J and he didn't bother me at all. Spoke to a lot of my family members and they were all fine with it, saying they'd support me no matter what and that they just wanted me to be happy. My Aunt K kept saying I was brave and then offered to give me a free haircut xD So my hair looks much better now - Will post pics when I can :slight_smile:

    Also my cousin made a point of correcting people when they called me by my birth name xD
     
  11. Butterfly72

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    Glad to see all is going well with you. (*hug*)
     
  12. Miiaaaaa

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    That's awesome Alex! :slight_smile:
     
  13. Gates

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    (!)(!)(!)(!)(!):thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup:
     
  14. Just Jess

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