In my mind, I feel like I am both masculine and feminine, both man and woman. Yet I simultaneously feel like I am neither masculine nor feminine, neither man or woman. Both and neither. I usually self identify as genderqueer and/or gender nonconforming and although that seems to "fit" as the most accurate label, it still seems lacking to me. Much of this is due to my level of unease with my body. Although I believe/understand that gender is not always a physical manifestation of body, I often catch myself wishing my sex matched up with my gender identity. The problem with this is that on a day to day basis (sometimes even hourly) what I want and feel like changes for both my gender identity and my ideal body sex. There is no consistency. Needless to say, this makes my everyday life very stressful. It often puts a strain on my romantic and sexual relationships as my partners have a hard time figuring out just what I want/need or don't want/need at that particular moment and it is often hard for me to explain it since I am likely to be just as confused. I have no idea how to resolve this issue or come to terms with it. I have been trying my entire life only to experience a roller coaster of moments of acceptance then moments of confusion then moments of challenge then back to acceptance and so on.
I can understand what you're saying. It can be very frustrating to be harmonious in body and soul one moment then thrown into imbalance the next. When you have such a large gender scale there are bound to be moments when the physical sex is simply completely wrong. I usually cope with these moments by dismissing the notion of the importance of physical sex all together. I change my posture and how I dress to reflect how I feel on the inside. I plan to keep my biological sex so far since I've learnt how to deal with it and it's nuances and if I had a sex change my mental gender would still not match up half the time. I think it's been a matter of detaching myself from my body somewhat. Letting go of this idea of my physical avatar having to reflect everything that's going on in my head. Sometimes, you've just got to look in your mind rather than in the mirror. As for the relationships, I've never been out in one so I can't really comment on that. Sorry to hear you've had a hard time of it though. It can be so difficult to get communications right in any relationship.
Yes, those times where I truly consider a sex change I believe that I would not be any happier since it still would not be an accurate reflection. I have often found myself doing the same at times - dismissing the idea that physical sex is significant since much of our ideas of both gender and sex are socially constructed anyway. The most recent consequence of this has led me to disengage from my partner sexually which does not seem an acceptable long-term solution. I wish I could let go more. It seems like when I do, something happens that reminds me of my own physicality and I have to start all over again to "forget."
That does sound like quite the predicament. I'm usually quite dominant sexually; would it be at all possible for you both to switch between roles depending on where you fall on the gender spectrum that day? I understand about the sudden reminder of your physicality. I have a specific group of friends that I'm usually in male mode around: suddenly a girl was introduced to the group who literally grabbed my chest and asked my bra size. Moments like that can throw us so off balance even though we spend the rest of the time meditating on how much physical sex shouldn't matter.
Yes and it does alleviate some of the...tension. I guess that's really all I can hope for. Wow I can't imagine someone doing that regardless of gender portrayal. What a violation of personal space!
You could also experiment with different pronouns, accessories, etc. When I was going through a rather vulnerable phase a while ago I found wearing a vest and tie helped. It looked hilarious of course, but made for a less jarring experience. She's a bit of a rowdy one. She pointed out my physical sex all night. Do you have any support around you currently?
I know I like more masculine pronouns and descriptions, as well as clothes. I tend to wear more masculine attire in general. Most strangers consider me a tomboy or androgynous...or in some areas they just think I'm a guy. I do have some support. I am only really open about my gender identity as an issue I contend with in RL to one person - my significant other. They are there for me and it is greatly appreciated. I just often feel like I let them down because of my own hang ups sometimes though.
Don't think of it as letting them down. You'd support them if they faced a similar issue and you didn't, right?
This is absolutely me in a nutshell. I wish I had some great advice for you, but I haven't figured out much of anything yet myself. Just wanted to let you know that there are definitely others out there who feel the same way you do - until very recently I didn't know that there were.
Of course I would. Logically, I know you are right. Unfortunately, and much to my chagrin, logic doesn't seem to trump emotions. Thanks for understanding though. That's okay. It still goes a long way knowing that there are others who face the same types of issues. Lemme know if you figure it all out though, yeah? lol
