Getting rid of girl clothes. Mum giving me grief (again!)

Over the last two years as my dysphoria got progressively worse, I have been gradually getting rid of my girly clothes and replacing them with neutral ones. Now I'm getting rid of the neutral ones - cos they're women's and make me feel bad - and replacing them with menswear.

I gave a few of the girly things to my sister which I felt fine about her wearing, some things I have kept because of the memories I have of wearing them (mainly things I wore for special occasions) and then I had a pile of stuff that I wanted to donate to a charity shop because although they didn't have any special significance to me, they were clothes I used to love and it would seem weird seeing my sister wearing them.

What I didn't know is that my mum had rummaged through the stuff I had put in the shed to take to the charity shop. Before Christmas, I came home one day to see her wearing one of my old dresses. I don't know why but it really upset me. The only way I can describe it is that it felt like seeing someone wearing the clothes of someone I used to know who had died. I tried to not let it get to me but eventually I had to say something. I told her it upset me to see her wearing my old clothes and she said she didn't see a problem with it. If I was getting rid of them, she might as well have them. She was really pissed off with me. Another thing it brought up seeing my mum wearing my old clothes is my history of ED. The clothes I used to wear were tiny. My mum definitely shouldn't be wearing them when she's in her mid-late 50s and the fact that she was reminded me how she used to/still does compete with me by losing weight. Yes I was anorexic (though not officially diagnosed) and my mum COMPETED with me. She tried to be thinner than me, bought chocolate for me to try and fatten me up while all the time she was trying to get thinner. This Christmas just gone, my mum got up from the dinner table running round with her plate putting her food on everyone else's plates saying 'here, you have it, I don't want it. No honestly, take it! Take it!' It was so embarrassing. She has for years tried to make herself thinner than me/me fatter than her, I assume to make herself feel better which also meant she could get in all of my size 6, even size 4 clothes. You can probably tell I'm getting fucking angry now and this is starting to turn into a rant. :icon_redf Sorry!

So back to today and I have another bag of clothes I want to donate to a charity shop sitting in my bedroom. They aren't girly clothes or any clothes I used to love. They are clothes I bought as I was getting more and more dysphoric. It was a chore to buy them because women's clothing, even the most neutral of things came to disgust me. These clothes have horrible memories for me. I remember wearing them and feeling so bad yet not knowing why, not knowing that it was dysphoria. The problem is my mum has been into my bedroom without my permission, saw the bag of clothes sat there that I'm waiting to get rid of and now is waiting for her chance to sift through it all to see if there is anything for her. She has just been asking me 'Do you have any little blouses or cardigans for me in that bag? What about that clutch bag I saw?' I told her no, it's all horrible stuff that's going to a charity stuff which is no word of a lie but my mum said 'I'm sure there's some stuff in there I could wear around the house.' 1. My mum should not be wearing clothes that were designed for teenage girls/young women anyway 2. My mum should buy her own clothes rather than relying on hand me downs from me and my sister as she has done for YEARS 3. These clothes have horrible memories for me and I DO NOT want to see my mum going around in them.

Again I am being made to feel unreasonable and nasty for not just handing over the clothes to my mum. I want to donate them to a charity shop but my mum's off work for 2 weeks (school hols) and there is no way I am going to be able to sneak out the house with a massive bag of clothes, never mind carry it to the bus stop to get the bus into town. My mum keeps everything. She is so tight. Anything that could be worn and that's free to her, she'll wear it. She thinks it's terrible to get rid of clothes that you've paid good money for when there is still some wear left in them and she could be the one to wear them.

How am I going to hide this bag of clothes and get it out the house! Am I being horrible? Please tell me, honestly. I don't know if I am just overreacting here.

It has been difficult for me realising I'm trans and I have gone through a lot of grief and pain as I said goodbye to the old me. I feel like my mum is a vulture circling road kill, waiting to grab any little thing that she could wear when I want to get rid of it and finally let go. I could understand it if she wanted to keep something I wore for my 21st birthday or something, not to wear but for sentimental reasons but I have all that stuff. I have kept the things I wanted that were meaningful to me and I just want the rest of the stuff gone so that I can move on. Seriously, what is she doing? To me it feels so insensitive but she doesn't see anything wrong. What's wrong with me for feeling this way

 

Did you explain to you mom why her wearing the clothes made you uncomfortable? It's somewhat unclear in your original post. Maybe if she understood why it made you uncomfortable she would be more reasonable.

Either way, don't think there is something wrong with you for feeling that way, what your mother is doing is extremely insensitive in your case.

 

Your other option is to destroy the clothes... I did that at about age 12 with some of my more... erm... revealing things...

 

For all intents and purposes, these are your clothes. You have every right to do with them what you like. If it makes you uncomfortable seeing them worn around the house by your mom, you don't have to give them to her, and she shouldn't sift through them because they're NOT HERS.

Also they're too youthful for her. You've acknowledged this. This is YOUR MOM, I would be uncomfortable if my mom wore some of the clothes I sifted out around because they're too youthful for her.

But no, you're not being horrible. You're trans. These clothes remind you of a person you used to be, like you said, it's a bit like watching someone wearing the clothes of someone that's died. You're trying to let go, and your mom is trying to force you to hold on by being expecting and greedy.

 

Rip them. It can be very satisfying...

 

Do what you want with YOUR clothes.

Also, I think it's nice that you want to give them to charity. <3

 

It seems to me the problem isn't the clothes. The problem is your mother. A lot of have (or have had) unreasonable (one way or another) mothers (not to mention fathers). My only point is that you can't organize your life based on your relationship with your mother.

 

I agree.

 

Cut 'em up, burn them in the garden, soak them in paint...do what you want.

On the one hand I agree with your mum. I don't like to throw clothes out if it's got some wear left, and apparently so do you to some extent because you wanted to send them to charity.

If she had asked you if she could have some of the stuff I would probably be more on her side, but she didn't. She took it on the grounds that she assumed you didn't want or need it any more.

In your most recent example you say she actually DID ask, then when you said 'no' she carried on, which means she won't take a hint.

It's a rare occasion I advocate the destruction of something that could help others via charity, but frankly in this case I think you should. Not only does she not care that it's YOUR STUFF to do what you want with, she certainly doesn't care about WHY it makes you feel bad.

Destroy it and give the charity shop a tenner or something.

 

I did explain to my mum why I found it upsetting to see her wearing my old clothes. I said it makes me feel sad because it reminds me of the person I used to be but she couldn't see why it would be a problem to me.

I don't like throwing stuff out or destroying stuff that is still wearable because it seems a waste but my mum wearing my old clothes is kind of like seeing old photos of me. Maybe given time I wouldn't care too much about it but right now, it's upsetting and painful.

 

It is a waste, but at the same time it's causing you mental damage.

Think about it this way. Imagine you have a bunch of nails about head height sticking out of your walls where you used to have pictures.

Every time you walk past these nails they catch you in the face and eyes. It really hurts.

Now these nails could still be used and at some point in the future you might want to hang pictures from them.

Do you keep them there despite the pain they cause you because it might be good in the future, or do you get rid of them because they are hurting you every time you come into contact with them?

 

If you can donate them, obviously it's better but if that avenue is being blocked, I think that you should get rid of them regardless of how.

 

To donate them, talk to all your friends who may be able to take the bag to charity for you. If that doesn't work. Destroy them.

You got bleach?

Put all the things that she is blocking you from donating, for a nice "wash". Add two times the recommended amount of bleach, it should make a rainbowy soup of dyes in the washer.

Clorox wipes to clean the washer afterwards.

Top it off by putting them in the dryer on high heat for 75 minutes.

Shrinked, colour ruined clothes. And as far as you're concerned "it was an accident".

Your mom sounds a little bit more than messed up about the situation. And I'm sorry she was so competitive with you with weight loss. That shit sucks.

 

^ You are an evil genius. I like the way you think. :badgrin:

 

Haha, that's amazing.

I was just thinking, when she's out, take them back and take them to charity before she gets back.