Monika met with Mom

Okay, so i finally met my mom face to face as Monika. She was okay with it. I told her everything i've been through and she's my new partner in crime. which is finally nice. Anyway, i posted some new pictures in my album from today's gathering. I hope you guys can see them soon. I'm just waiting on approval from a moderator. I'm ecstatic right now since i got to spend some quality time with my mom. She shocked me when she told me that she told my great uncle who is like a grandpa to me. He was wasn't shocked but he's supporting me as well which is awesome to know. As well as other people too.

I am so glad this day came.

 

I can't contain myself. In fact I am so overcome with happiness I don't know what to do with myself. What I love about my situation the best is that I have a really really good support system. I have you guys here. I also have my confidant who is my cousin from Virginia. I have 4 friends that I shared this with. Now I will be busting my ass to my an insane amount of OT that way I can get myself to Philly for the fertility clinic. Once that's over I can finally begin my taking estrogen. I feel that as the days are coming I'm already looking more feminine than ever. For instance the last 4 pics are me with a curly haired wig. If I could grow out my hair that's what I would look like if I were able to style it for a feminine look. My mom suggested that it would be too much work to put on that makeup to go to the gyno once I get the referral. My mom said just bring a female with you. If she's sleeping because of work. She told me you could probably get you aunt to go with you. Oh my god I can't wait.

 

You guys are sooooo sweet. When i start taking the hormones. I'll begin to show my real progression. But i think i've been becoming more feminine as more pictures are being posted. I feel that i am slowly changing little by little. I'm so excited about the next big step. I"m really happy that i have a pretty big support system. Now the one problem i will run into is at work...I'm thinking that once i am going to have bottom surgery i should jet and get a new job. I'm pretty scared about what's going to happen at work. If someone made a big deal about me having ringworm. I wonder what's going to happen once they start noticing the changes i will be going through when i begin HRT. My mom says i shouldn't care what others think. I also believe that what other's think isn't my business but i don't want to be ostracized unless i made myself separate from everyone else. At home i have some extended family members that will support me but not everyone is on board. I feel that as long as i have my mom, my aunt, my cousins and three of my really good friends on board. I think i'll be fine because if i lose my mind. I know that for once in my life i can actually approach my mom for the needed emotional support. As a male, i feel like i'm cold and bitter and i do not show any feelings. I feel that i am as cold as a winter night and i'm always angry when i am dressed as a dude. My mom tells me all the time you have it all, why are you angry at the moment you have the best of both worlds. But i don't want both worlds. I just want to me female, i suck at being a guy. I was never good at it and i never will be good at it. This is turning into a bit of a rant but, i feel happier as female, i don't to pretend something I'm not. It's sad but true. When i'm a dude and i hang out with my brother and his friends i feel so fake because i'm pretending to me one of the guys when clearly on the inside i am not. It's going to take time for those who don't agree with this to process this. Especially some of my co-workers and my dad and my brother. My mom was right when we talked the other day. She had mentioned that i don't need anyone's approval but my own. The other day when i came home from my outing, I was going to go to a friend's house to change back to my man clothes. My mom said, you're dad is not home yet and he won't be for a few hours. Why don't you just come home. I go "what if the neighbors see me?" My mom then says "Why do you give a fuck what the neighbor's think?" I retort "because they talk to dad." My mom then says "I don't think that they're that nosy enough that they would run to your dad to tell him that his son is a transvestite. You and i both know your dad is aware that you are cross-dressing and he doesn't want to know or acknowledge that you do it or wants to see you dressed as a woman. Just come home and get undressed here, trust me i just want you to be home safe and sound. If you dad comes home early i'll cover for you." My mom has come a LONG way, i really feel like we always had a complicated mother daughter relationship that was very much unspoken. I spent most my life combating her, one of my best friends tells me that i am a mama's boy. I never was close-enough to my mom to say that in the past i guess i went from being a mama's boy to a mama's girl. I am so excited to see what happens next. I am ready to start the healing process that had scarred me for a long that. That scar that is healing is my own healing of self-hatred. I finally understand myself and i just want to begin to love myself for who i am and i don't care if people judge me anymore. I realized that I LOVE doing things my way. They may not be conventional or the right way but i do NOT regret ANYTHING I have done at this point. If my only victims are my brother and my dad so be it. If they REALLY love me they'll get over it. That's how i see it, i am strong enough that i can overcome them and anything coming my way. No matter what it is i will tackle it and succeed. And I am happy to announce right here and right now that for me that beginning my transition was positive. I NEVER attempted suicide because of my gender dysphoria. I want people to see that it DOESN'T have to be negative. It DOESN'T have to involve suicide. The most negative thing from this experience was that i self-loath myself for the longest time because i didn't understand who i was. It was like not knowing anything about myself. How can i have a meaningful relationship with ANYONE if i didn't know what i like who l liked. I didn't know anything, in these past two years i learned so much about myself. I am pretty fucking sure, who i am and who i want to me. I want to be the first female doctor in my family. And i want to make myself and my family proud and i want to show everyone that being transgender doesn't have to include suicide. It can have a whole and more meaningful beginning. All i have to say is i'm glad i took the time to know myself and what i want in life. I want to help anyone who is thinking of committing suicide. To try to convince people that there is more to life than death. LIFE can be beautiful it all depends on how you perceive it. And if you perceive life in a negative light i want to know so i can help look at the brighter side in life. All i want to do is be there for those who are in dire need. That is one of my purposes in life. And I will make it happen.

 

Lol thank you so much guys. You are all very sweet.

 

Thank you, it's all about self-acceptance. Once you accept yourself for who you REALLY are on the inside and in your heart. No one will look at you less of a person as long as you truly accept and believe in who you are. I took me 33 years to accept who i am. I REALLY want all of you who are still searching for yourself, if your reading this, please find it in your hearts to find yourself early. Because when you have the time to do so cherish it and learn from it. I honestly cherish EVERY moment i breathe when i learn something new about myself. It's not easy and i completely understand but you must take time for yourself when you can. It's just as important as getting to know the people that really matter. Honestly, once you learn and understand yourself you can love yourself even more and it will show with every unforced smile on your face. And the way you present yourself in public and the way you show your true colors and your true nature.