Dating...while trans

I guess I'm in the same boat. I'd love to be in a relationship but I have no idea how to even start at the dating game as a trans woman. My therapist thinks online dating is the way for me to go and wants me to keep my profile active. I actually remade my profile on one of the free sites so I can come out to the site as trans. I didn't have much luck with it to begin with but we'll see what happens now.

I would suggest some free dating sites and just be open and honest with anyone that seems interested. Respectful questions tolerated stupid crap isn't. It's pretty much my plan at the moment.

Good luck!

 

Mind if I merely echo your question to others (except I live in a not-so-crappy big city)?

*thread piggyback*

 

Alrighty friend (May I call you that? lol) I'm returning a favor since you were being awesomely nice about my post and you're an awesome person, SOOO I'm gonna try to help you.

1. I am currently in a relationship with a guy, and I decided I was trans while we were dating so for me it's a bit different.
2. Girls are tricky creatures, (lol) so either find a bi guy or girl, or someone that is not against anything like that and would be accepting about you being trans* and open to you explaining they'd still technically be in a straight/ gay relationship be cause your identity is MALE!
3. Remember! Relationships are not just sex, so you can be romantic, and let your partner know your boundaries. (Like if you don't want certain areas being touched, like frontal parts lol)
4. If you want to tell the person you are trans* go for it!! keeping secrets in relationships can be bad because if its something like being trans* and you're having problems, you can't tell them why you're down or you'd have to lie.
5. Be you. If you're not comfortable, tell them, or end it if they make you feel bad.

Hope this helped!!
Adam

 

I'm a shy comic nerd. If you look hard enough there are plenty of free dating sites out there. Big cities are typically easier to find people in with similar interests. Smaller cities are admittedly harder (I know this based on experience) but it's still possible. Again though, let me know how you guys do! I'll be right there beside you fighting the good fight

 

Dating site?

 

As I mentioned I tried online dating and fail, terribly at it. I'd message people and would get no response, or if I did get a response, the conversation would inevitably fail because there wasn't enough to hold any interest and the conversation died.

Go ahead and call me naive but I have no idea what a "Chaser" is in regards to online dating. I've dealt with guys though (before I made my realization and came out to myself I had a site where I was bi and a site where I was gay). On the "gay" site I talked to a couple guys, even got a number for one (even though he lived in Michigan) but the conversation died for no reason. They just never responded to me. If I had any guys message me (which was a rarity without messaging them first) would usually be one word answers. I haven't had any luck with the other site sadly but like I said, I'm going to make a new profile, perhaps after I do my nails, and mention that I'm a trans* woman. Respectful questions are welcomed (great ice breaker? *Shrugs*) any disrespect gets blocked. Fill it out, answer some questions and see where that goes.

I get the small town thing because I'm dealing with the same exact thing. You can select different search radii though if needed so you can expand I think all the way up to 50 miles from your zip code if you wanted to search that far. I can't speak for ALL of the free sites (the other one I uses just automatically tells me everytime I search that no matches were found close and it defaults to a statewide search for my partner.) but I can speak for the 2 that I use. Again, I don't believe I can post the addresses to them here but I'm sure if you did a google search or ask the right friends they could help you out

 

I've had some interest on dating sites but I always checked "female" and then explained that I was ftm in my profile.

Sofiya: Chasers are people who actively search for trans* people and are only interested in dating them without any real interest in their target/ true gender.

 

Ah, gratzie.

Something I'd want to avoid then since I have a tendency when I fall for someone, I fall hard and I fall fast (though it hasn't happened for a long time). Falling for a chaser just sounds like I'd end up getting hurt at the end of the day...

 

So what I can't do is name the dating site. Unfortunately.

But I literally just got back from my first ever data as myself a few minutes ago. I did meet her through an online dating site. I have it in my profile that I'm gay, and in my description I mention up front that I'm trans. The site I'm on has descriptions, and a lot of tests, so I was able to tell if she was a good match. She is really cool with trans people, and cool with me taking things slow and more looking to expand my social circle.

I think the date went really well. We're doing it again some time, getting sushi next time. She is just amazing to talk to. I feel like there is some mutual attraction there. But more than that we really clicked on a lot of other levels. She's an artist and loves a lot of the same kinds of movies I do.

The trans thing came up like one time. It was a small part of the conversation. She talked a little bit about a friend of hers that transitioned. It led to both of us talking about how we're friends with our exes but nothing more.

I guess advice, first of all, so don't worry about chasers. They are obvious. Plus, a lot of dating sites can make you completely invisible to straight people. Like I have had a single chaser, one time, from another country look at my profile, and not message me. Really creepy name like "just likes to watch", might not even have been a chaser, might just have been going through lesbian profiles. But yeah, flip a switch, and poof. They're gone. I know this is going to sound stereotypical, but I really believe this will filter out most of the "bad ones". A lot of the "creepy chaser" stereotypes will identify as straight and will be terrified of being thought of as queer. That's not a hard and fast rule, gay doesn't always mean okay, but in my experience it usually at least means understanding.

But I mean even if you do get a chaser that identifies as a gay or bi, it still should be really easy to tell before you even talk to them, and you can just block them.

Otherwise, just be choosy. I know you are in a small town, but you would be surprised. And maybe don't be afraid (just looking below your avatar) to add Eugene and Portland if your options are slim. I remember driving in Oregon and I know it takes forever to get anywhere, but there's nothing stopping you from talking to people online. So whatever you have to do though, if you can get to the point where you're looking for positive qualities that you want, you're there.

And as to how to do it, we met in a queer coffee shop. So right off the bat I was comfortable being me. So confident actually that I got fast food as myself drive thru on the way home But basically somewhere neutral and safe, you drive or bus yourself and they do the same, so you know worst comes to worst you can just go your separate ways. I really think that's the best approach.

There are a lot of people out there that are not just looking for a hook up. Again you just have to be picky.

Good luck man!

E. Thought I was just talking to DrWinchester, I type more slowly than I thought. But you too Sofiya, you go girl!

I'm really glad I didn't wait until I'm "out of the oven". I mean only do what you are comfortable with.

 

Hahaha why thank you Jess!

By the sounds of it I THINK* I know which site you're talking about but meh, it's the one I use, it's free, and I like the personality tests. I especially like the fact that you can answer questions to garner your opinion on any spectrum of topics, you choose how relevant your answer is to you, what you want your potential partner's answer to be and viola. Instant personality profiles. Do as many of the questions you want (great time killer!) or don't. Catch is the more questions you answer, the better off your matches are matched to you.

At the end of the day DrWinchester, I'd recommend it. It may be slow going but at the very least you're not losing anything since it is a free dating website. No harm in trying right?

 

There are actually a few that match that description But yes, only ever go for a free one. Never a pay-for dating service. You get smarter people on the free ones

 

I'm interested in this eventually. Though there is a serious lack of confidence until I'm at least on hormones :/

I live in a city and there are LGBT nights at a club, but I'm worried it'll just be people after short-term relationships since its a nightclub. And since I got no clue how I would be in certain situations, I'd rather it be a long-term lasting relationship in case something extreme like a breakdown happened .... >.>;;

 

I can take it or leave it at the moment. But if I find someone who doesn't care, then I'm all good.

Plus I refuse to date anyone until I've started to transition socially!!

 

I think I've started to transition socially. I mean, I believe I exhibit female traits in public and have asked friends to refer to me as female.

I did remake my online profile on a site last night as I was falling asleep. I wake up to two messages this morning. One from a gay guy who said I look cute and then deleted his profile (?) another from a ripped straight guy in my area who wanted to let me know that he thought it was awesome I was living as how I'm meant to be. It really made my day (!!)

Everything else on the other hand has been straight guys seeing (I think) "27 year old comic nerd/gamer female" and coming to view my profile only to see the very first sentence that says "I'm trans. Get over it" (not in so many words and I'm a bit nicer than that ).

Still, I have high hopes and my outlook only serves to improve.

---------- Post added 19th Apr 2014 at 03:29 AM ----------

Ugh, there's a reason I do online dating. I'm not big on bars or night clubs just because you really and truly can't get to know anyone when they have the loud music and even louder talking. I'm just...Not a fan. Quiet sit down dinner, movie night at home, game night at home, or mini golf outing. Just something where we can get to know each other. Or is that too crazy?

 

I guess it's just a roll of the dice. I'm an awkward potato, but I don't think I've had too many problems in the dating scene. Luckily whenever I was out, I didn't reel in chasers or people who were fetishy.

Oddly enough before I came out as trans, I dated a guy who was a pretty big ally for the queer community. Once I was out, I got into a relationship with a genderqueer dude and now we're engaged; and we did meet online through my ex (the ally)'s brother. Oh, irony!

I wish I had advice, but I just call it fate.

 

This is something that I hate to admit weighs upon my mind heavily. At 26, I have yet to have a girlfriend in real life or even a committed one online. I can flirt but I never actually make a move forward. I'm also very picky... *sigh* This is made even worse by the fact that I would really like to get married within the next five years. I don't even know where to find women who might be interested nor gauge their interest. :icon_sad: I fail at this honestly...

 

Agreed. Right there with you :|