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I'm going Insane O_O

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by 2Bornot2B, Apr 18, 2014.

  1. 2Bornot2B

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    I'm not totally sure how to start... I guess an overview works.

    As a kid I never questioned that I was the boy I was born as. Never thought about being a girl or anything out of the 'ordinary'. In middle school however, I began to become curious about life as a girl. That curiosity quickly grew from an innocent thought every now and again to an obsession by my freshman year. I found myself dreaming of being a girl or becoming a girl both subconsciously and through conscious effort in daydreams. The dreams are always super vivid to where today I can recall my brain's phantom feelings that it created for aspects of the girl form's body--from the tickle of her hair on her shoulders and back and her smooth skin to the weight of her chest and lack of male genitals.

    I never mentioned this to anyone, nor hinted at them. I presented myself as the guy I had always been. In retrospect though, when I analyze my personality I realize that I am more emotional than most guys, and that I have always felt a disconnect between myself and my guy friends. Thinking about high school I realize that a majority of my friends were girls, and that I felt fine with that fact.

    My daydreams often involved me picturing every little thing that was going on at that particular moment from the perspective of my female self. Skip to the present day and that is literally all I have thought about since getting out of my house and into a dorm. Her presence in my mind exponentially increased until I now feel like I could look in a mirror and see her face...and sometimes I jump because I think I do.

    Last fall I felt compelled to release her in some form while still leaving everyone I know clueless out of fear, so I began to write a story about myself becoming her. I work on it when no one is around, when i'm guaranteed incognito status. I eventually gave her a name, Lara.

    I also began research, trying to figure out why I felt this way. I learned about dysphoria, the different types of sexuality, causes, treatments, etc. And I learned the best medicine is talking about it. I still couldn't bring myself to it, so my silence remained intact.

    Not that Lara hasn't shown herself in my mannerisms from time to time. There have been moments all through my teen years where someone will make the comment, 'you are such a girl!' While they were joking, the comments stung like hornets. They stuck with me, pushing me further into my dysphoria. Why just today my little brother made that comment!

    A few weeks ago I was bored in a lecture and Lara was clouding my thoughts, so I began to draw in my notebook. By the end of class I was looking at her eye, staring up at me from the page. I decided to finish what I started so once back in my dorm I grabbed a blank sheet of printer paper and drew her entire face. My drawing came out surprisingly realistic (i'm no artist) and I finally had her face somewhere other than my head. When my friends commented on the picture, particularly about the subject, I just said vaguely, 'its just a random girl'. That random girl is my best kept secret... hell I even drew the vaguest suggestion of a smile representing our shared secret... that she is me.

    Not long after that I decided that I was going to need to find a better way to vent these feelings, and that meant talking about it. I almost went to a therapist on my campus for some advice, but i'm not ready for face to face discussions. So I went on in silence until one day doing research I found the EC.

    So I guess I'm here to finally start learning who I am. And to find advice and solace from like minded people.(&&&) Any advice?

    PS. Sorry for the long post. I had to get all that out.:icon_bigg
     
  2. fruity

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    tbh, you seem quite different from a lot of people I've seen. you don't present yourself as doubtful or trapped at all, despite what you're actually feeling. rather, you seem really positive, hopeful really, and that's a good thing. if you're trying to determine if you're really female, well I think that's something you have to decide for yourself. it sounds like you're on the right track. you said you're starting to learn who you are, and embracing that, not shutting the real you out, is a pretty big step. I'd encourage you to talk with a therapist, but if you're not ready for that, that's perfectly fine. tbh, I'm not really sure what else to say. I'd just say to continue to explore these feelings. if you come across an ever-growing discomfort/dysphoria, I think that's a sign that something could be up. sorry, not really sure what I'm trying to accomplish with this post, you seem to have a level head approaching this, and any fear you have doesn't really manifest itself, so I'd say you're doing fine. if anything, just know there are always people who you can talk to and who will support you. :slight_smile:
     
  3. 2Bornot2B

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    Thanks for the response fruity!:icon_bigg I'm glad I sound more confident than I feel, makes for better conversation.:icon_wink
     
  4. Miiaaaaa

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    While you don't feel trapped or doubtful, doesn't mean you aren't trans*.
    That being said, I couldn't tell you. I'm not really sure what to say here, but glad you're figuring out who you are. :slight_smile:

    *waits for Holly to give her awesome advice*
     
  5. 2Bornot2B

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    That's just the thing Miiaaaa, i'm not confident at all, or at least my male self. Lara is definitely the confident half and her personality bleed through as I typed that post. I just wish that I had that confidence all the time, it would make things easier.:confused:
     
  6. Miiaaaaa

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    I can understand that. Male me wasn't confident at all! That seems to have improved a little!