Hiya everybody! I just wanted to stop by and give you all an update on my situation. (For the back story see this thread here) So it's been a few months since I posted my first post. I want to get more opinions on the situation I'm in. I'm a married man who is a crossdresser and possible MTF TS (I'm still trying to figure myself out). My wife did not find out about this side of me until about a year after we were married. We have been arguing about the way I am viewed by her when I dress. I've kept my true self hidden for most of my life and I'm trying to bring it out to her. However, she feels disgusted by it. No matter what things we've been through together she can't seem to accept it as part of who I am. We've had extensive conversations about it. It's basically come down to divorce or I quit dressing. In my last post I mention going to see a therapist. Well, we went and I was under the impression that we had come to a temporary compromise where I could wear whatever and whenever I wanted underneath my outerwear. For example: I thought it was OK to wear a bra as long as it wasn't noticeable through my shirt. I did that today. We were at a friend's house and she wanted me to show them one of my tattoos located on my back. She was confused when I refused. She asked me about it when we got home and I told her why. At that point she got quiet and continued what she was doing not looking at me or talking to me. After a little while we started talking about it again and it ended up in an argument with her saying that the compromise was for once or twice a month not continuous. So back and forth we go. I love her with everything that I am. I don't want to give her up for anything, but I want to be able to be myself... Thank you all in advance for your continued support
Is she aware you think you could be MtF? At the end of the day, I don't really agree with compromising yourself. But if you are just doing occasional cross dressing instead of doing it full-time for her, then in my opinion you are going above and she should be backing off. It sounds like you argue a lot, have you ever managed a civil conversation about all of this without it turning into an argument? Do you know what about it bothers her exactly?
The only time we ever argue is when it's regarding this topic, and like I mentioned above I'm still figuring myself out. So, no I have not told her that I may be TS.
If she's left you with an ultimatum where it comes down to finding yourself and being happy or being with her, then screw her, she doesn't deserve to be with you! You don't tell someone, of you dont wanna be who I want you to be, I'm out...
We just ended another long winded conversation/argument about this topic. She has basically given me an ultimatum, and is as follows: I screwed up in the beginning by lying (not telling her) about my other side and she has compromised as far as she is willing to compromise. Either I figure out how to "fix" the "problem" or we're finished. I need to decide whether "it was worth it" (yes a direct quote). I have asked her about unconditional love and she basically said that it wouldn't count in our situation because she was unaware beforehand. I know it seems that I'm making her out to be the bad guy, but in reality she's actually a wonderful person. She has stated that this is just something that she never imagined being associated with her life and if she had known before it would have been her decision to get married, therefore these arguments would be null and void. Oh Goddess, I don't know how to move forward.
She didn't know about it beforehand... so what? You don't know everything about each other from the start. If she can't support you through this, is she the one for you?
(Putting on my advice-columnist hat.) She has a right to her feels, which are likely to include a sense of betrayal as she is learning things about you that might (might!) have led her to different decisions. But just because she has those feelings doesn't mean that you are a bad, treacherous person. It means only that she has those feelings. It also means that she has to decide what to do with those feelings. "What to do" May include deciding that she can no longer be married to you. What you get to do is to decide whether cross dressing is a "lifestyle choice" that you can choose to give up, or whether it is part of a larger set of questions about who you really are inside and who you want to be in the world. Everything I've read on my research and everything I've heard from gender-nonconforming people says that it is impossible to "fix" being who you are. Only you can decide for yourself whether it would be possible for you to climb back into the gender-conforming box, or whether you even want to, but you do get to work that out for yourself. But I know that it never, ever works for one person to try to become something that she is not, purely on the strength of the desire to maintain a relationship with another person. If she decides she can't be in relationship with a gender nonconformist, and you conclude that gender nonconformity is an integral part of who you are, then the two of you will, sooner or later, have to part ways. In the short run, that will hurt like hell, but in the long run, you will both be happier. (Removes hat.)
