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I don't know which gender I identify with. What's wrong with me?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Clueless13, Apr 20, 2014.

  1. Clueless13

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    Hello everyone.

    I don't even know how to explain this because I don't know what is this that I have always felt and can't understand, this is why I'm here, hoping that some of you might help me figure this out. I'm a 24 year old female, I always saw myself as bisexual because I'm attracted to both genders but I think there's more to it than just a matter of sexual orientation. Ever since I can remember stuff I always thought I was a boy and I felt really comfortable, my mother always gave me the freedom to wear whatever I wanted and I was always what people call a tom boy. At school I played mostly with boys but sometimes with girls too, I liked playing football as much as I liked playing with barbies. Then came puberty, my breasts started to grow and that freaked me out, the boys who I used to play with started to reject me because now I was different than them, it was obvious that I was a girl and not one of the boys, I started wearing really baggy clothes and would do everything to hide those two bumps that represented a nightmare to me. This lasted from the age of 12 to 15, then I started feeling a little more comfortable with my body and even changed my way of dressing, I started dressing more feminine but there were days when I felt like dressing like a boy, it depended on my mood. All I know is that I've never felt completely comfortable with myself as a woman, I like it but there's a part of me that wishes I was a man too and I can't understand this. I always thought this was because I was bisexual but it makes no sense. I'm very insecure when it comes to my looks, the only time I have ever felt fully confident with my appearence was in dreams, most of the times I dream that I am a man and everything seems so much easier, I feel happy, I feel like I never felt while awake and it's so disappoiting to wake up... While I feel like this I don't completely hate being a woman, I wear feminine stuff, makeup when I feel like it, I'm attracted to guys. Can someone try to explain what's this? Has someone ever felt this way? I thought I should say that I suffer from Bipolar disorder, I don't know if it has something to do with this, I suppose it doesn't, I don't even know what this is. I'm sorry if I come off as ignorant, the fact is that I'm like my username, completely clueless.
     
  2. Gates

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    I doubt being bipolar has anything to do with it but am not a psychologist so, it may be possible.

    You could be bigender or transgender; it's hard to tell from your post. I'll steal one of Ellia's techniques and tell you to say out loud "I am a man" and then "I am a woman" and then "I am both" and see what feels "right" to you.
     
  3. Clueless13

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    Thank you Gates.

    I did what you told me, had never tried this before, I kinda felt more confident when I said " I am a man ", when I said " I am a woman " it wasn't said with the same conviction, I felt doubt, I felt nothing when I said " I am both ".
     
  4. Gates

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    Hmm... OK. Let's see, when you think of the future, do you see yourself as man, woman or kind of switching between the two?
     
  5. Clueless13

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    If I could choose and change everything I would like to see myself as a man.
     
  6. Gates

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    It sounds like you're likely a transguy then. That's totally fine, you know. There are a bunch of us here. :slight_smile: And yeah, sexual orientation and gender identity are completely independent so, don't worry about that being the "cause."

    Have you spoken with a counselor about this?
     
  7. Clueless13

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    I don't have a counselor. I used to have therapy sessions but I had to quit last year because of financial reasons. I have never talked about this to anyone, like I said I always thought that I was bisexual and that was the reason for my confusion but as I grew older I realized what you said, that one thing has nothing to do with the other and I also want to feel good with myself, I thought that my self esteem issues and the fact I never liked myself and the way I looked was a teenager thing that would go away with age but I'm not a teen anymore and I feel as bad or even worse with myself than I used to. What would exactly a counselor do?
     
  8. Gates

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    A counselor can help you dissociate issues from one another so that you're more clearly able to identify what you want out of life. For example, I'm seeing a counselor now and simply by helping me work through other things like fear of rejection and self-guilting, I've gained enough confidence to come out to everyone. It was like 14 years of weight was lifted off of me.

    I'd really recommend seeing a counselor if you can. Other than that I guess some other things to consider are:

    - Are you able to/ interested in presenting as male (or even just masculine) in your daily life?
    - Are there any trans* groups in your area that you could talk with (these are free so, I'd check into it)?
    - If you were able to transition to living as a male, do you think that you would be significantly happier than you are now? If so, what steps would you want to take toward this?
     
  9. Calix

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    You could try wearing a binder/male clothes in private and seeing if you like your reflection better and feel more at ease like that. Though from what's already been said, you do sound like a transguy to me :slight_smile:
     
  10. Clueless13

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    The problem with this is that it will come out of nowhere. I fear my mother's reaction, the whole " I don't care what other people think " is easier said than done. I never talked about this to anyone, my sexual orientation is not a secret but my gender issues were never discussed. I know it's my life we're talking about but right now I'm here sitting, makeup on, long straightened hair and wearing female clothes, I can't even imagine what would be my mother's reaction if I chose to live as a male. Would I like to? Yes, I would but I'm not alone in this world and I feel like I need to have some consideration towards the only person I have, my mother. I'm going to try to contact my therapist, I haven't talked to her in such a long time, maybe she can find someone I can talk to about this.
     
  11. Gates

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    Of course you aren't alone but this is important for you so, it should be important for her as well.
     
  12. Clueless13

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    My mother had a heart attack less than two years ago, she was between life and death, I don't want to put her under stress, she loves the way I look, she stills buys me clothes when she sees something she likes and really wants me to wear it, she wants me to do every single thing with my hair, curls, braids, she treats me like a doll and I think I never say no because she had a really hard life, then the heart attack and now I want to do all I can to make her happy... I'm thinking about starting with baby steps, maybe the hair first, that will be a problem though because she has a fit every time I cut my hair, I got a pixie cut two years ago, I was so happy with it but she made me promise I would let it grow, now it's almost past my shoulders and I want to cut it so much.
     
  13. Gates

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    My mother has a lot of medical problems also but that's why communication is key. Start with hair and just tell her that you feel more confident that way. I hope things start looking up for you. (*hug*)
     
  14. mbz

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    Hi Clueless13, thank you for sharing. :slight_smile: My situation is similar to yours in reverse. I am biologically male and although I don't hate it, (although it would be clearer if I did) female instinctively feels more right than male. For a while the bi-gender tag fitted but felt not enough. Then it was gender-queer or gender variant. Now I think of myself as Transgender but in a couple of years that might change. I'm not sure I can offer any advice but I think I recognise the blurriness in the situation. It may take time to feel your way through the fog! I hope this helps. M.